


A Little White Lie Never Hurt Anyone

by OhMyNanase



Category: Free!
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Future Fish, Asexuality, Cheating, Cheating is wrong, Eventual Sex, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Please do not cheat, Secret Relationship, SouRin and MakoHaru are basically onesided, more angst than fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:14:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 69,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8169622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhMyNanase/pseuds/OhMyNanase
Summary: "Then kiss me."Makoto turns around instantly and his heart is beating quicker than it had ever beat before. "What?" It is clear by the way his voice cracks that he isn’t opposed to the idea; excitement chills running down his spine as he wants Rin to say it one more time.Rin knows exactly what he's doing— crossing the line, craving the taste of danger like no other. He’s nervous, but he’s doing a great job hiding his weakness behind a confident mask. "You said you wanted excitement,” In a seductive voice he whispers. “That you want to know what it feels like to be dangerous.” He gets close, maybe too close, and Makoto’s back is back against the wall. He lifts his hand to the other man’s face, softly caressing his cheek with the back of his pale hand. “Here's your chance,” He announces and Makoto is too overwhelmed to look even away. “And if you don't take it, I will walk right out that door, our lives will go back to being the same old lives we had before, and we will never speak about this again."No, Makoto can't bear to let that happen.





	1. Meet me at the after show

**Author's Note:**

> Written by: Ohmynanase  
> Original story and idea: Mamkey (Scooby)  
> Betareader: Tspofnutmeg
> 
> Cheating is bad, though! Don't do it. Never ever ever cheat, please!

On his way home, Rin Matsuoka stops at a cafe that opened a few minutes before seven. There are a few tables outside where he sits by himself to enjoy the morning air. He is dressed in his running gear, sweat dripping down his face and muscular frame as he takes a sip from his water bottle. The city is still half asleep. No cars driving down the street. Nobody’s waiting for the bus. Only the chirping birds above his head could be heard, but Rin knows that this is not the reason why his morning feels different.

A soft breeze kicks up and his semi-long red hair dances along the waves as he remains quiet. 

Sousuke wasn’t here and his absence leaves Rin with a clouded mind and a heavy heart.

Their morning jog normally consists of a six mile trail that runs through the park behind their shared apartment. It twists and turns through a small playground, leads into an orchard of peach trees, and it always ends on this very same cafe where Rin sits by himself.

Just an hour ago, they were by the door, ready to go out for their morning jog when Sousuke received a text from his coworker. “Takashi can’t make it to the box today, and Yui is the only one at the desk. She needs me to come in early.” Sousuke said and Rin felt the disappointment rising in him.

“Oh.” Rin sighed quietly.

Sousuke placed a short kiss on the top of Rin’s head, like a vague apology, before turning on his heel and leaving the entryway. Rin didn’t watch Sousuke disappear down the hall, he simply left their apartment and ran as fast as he could.

Rin always thought that the longer someone was in a relationship, the less they would worry about being loved back by their significant other. It all makes sense in his head. Because why would someone stay in a relationship where they aren't happy anymore? Why would someone stay if they don’t see the relationship going anywhere in the future?

It doesn’t matter if Rin has been in a relationship with Sousuke for more than three years. Time together is not enough to ease the rising insecurities within Rin’s heart.

He is the only one sitting outside the cafe this morning. The atmosphere is a bit lonelier without Sousuke, but there’s a feeling inside that takes a silent pleasure on the idea of being the only one to enjoy such a beautiful morning.

 

*

  
Their shared car is already gone from the parking lot by the time he gets to the apartments. Rin hops up the stairs to the second floor, heading to the first door and unlocking it. Their apartment isn't big or too impressive. It's a simple two bedroom apartment with a ridiculously big kitchen and a balcony, but it is a place good enough for Rin and Sousuke to call home.

He drops his keys on the console table and tosses his empty water bottle into the trashcan as he walks by the kitchenette. Glancing to the left at the thin sofa and the kotatsu, then towards the right at the kitchenette and low table, is when Rin realizes how empty his apartment feels without Sousuke. 

He sighs for what feels like the fiftieth time since he got up and stares at the large window at the end of the couch. It’s barely eight in the morning and Rin has no idea what to do on his day off. He walks down the hall and opens the first door. There, he strips out of his jogging clothes and turns on the shower. Placing his hand under the hard spray, Rin waits for the water to turn warm while his thoughts start to wonder. He hums in satisfaction when steam starts to rise and the hot water hits his hand but, as soon as he steps into the shower, he hears a noise from the other side of the door. Opening the door to the hall, he raises an eyebrow and listens.

There are three knocks on his door followed by a voice.

“Rin? Rin, are you there?”

He recognizes that voice in an instant and freezes. Makoto. It’s Makoto! “Shit,” Rin sighs, dashing away to turn off the shower and almost slipping on his way out of the bathroom. He trots down the hallway in nothing but a towel, reaching out to unlock the front door and crack it open.

There he finds Makoto, standing in all his tall, warm glory, smiling sweetly down at Rin in his heavy brown coat. They stare at each other for a long while, there is a bit of a pleasant silence before Makoto’s gaze flickers to Rin’s hair, which is still wet from the shower and Makoto’s eyes go wide and worries instantly. “Oh, Rin! W-were you showering? I’m sorry! I thought I got here on time... It is eight, isn’t it?”

“Sousuke left early, so I walked home.” Rin can feel the cold air outside and frowns.

“Oh,” Makoto says. “You’re... not working today?”

“No. I thought I texted you yesterday,” Rin replies, raising a brow and Makoto makes a face, blushing entirely, looking thoroughly embarrassed at himself.

“Oh! I’m sorry, Rin! I must have forgot, I—”  
  
“No need,” Rin says quickly, interrupting him from launching into more heartfelt apologies. “Come in, it’s still pretty cold outside.”

Rin opens the door for Makoto, wide enough for the other to slip in like a little boy in a hurry. Locking it again, he turns around to find Makoto standing still by the door next to where Rin’s running shoes sit. Rin raises an eyebrow. 

“Are you taking your boots off or are you planning on standing there for the rest of the morning?” Rin asks quietly, walking past Makoto and towards the kitchenette.  
  
“A-ah, sorry.” Makoto’s voice comes out a little calmer. Rin turns to see him smiling to himself. “It’s just so warm in here.”  
  
“Have you eaten breakfast?” Rin starts to rummage around in the fridge, then paused and pulled a small container of seasoned teriyaki from the bottom shelf.  “I have these leftovers from last night that I can reheat for you.”

Makoto sighs, shaking his head and chuckles. “I’m fine, really. Weren’t you taking a shower?”

“I’m not working, and from the looks of it, you aren’t either. I have time.” Rin kicks the fridge door closed, sending Makoto a hard look. “And God forbid I let you anywhere near my microwave.”  
  
“I’m sure I can reheat some leftovers myself, Rin.” Makoto responds, toeing off his boots at the entryway. He meets with Rin by the oven, his smile still present on his lips. Rin doesn’t soften his look, even when Makoto is directly in front of him and taking the container of teriyaki. “Now shoo, you’re going to catch a cold.”  
  
Rin let out a loud sigh and finally relents, leaving Makoto to his own devices while he walks down the hallway and back into the bathroom. He closes the door behind him, tosses his towel over the sink and resuming his shower. After he’s clean and refreshed, he digs a casual outfit from his dresser and rubs his hair off with his damp towel.

He finds his cell phone on the king sized bed, right where he left it. Not a single text from Sousuke so far and his body tingles with a bitterness. Taking a few extra minutes to observe the device, Rin remains still, lost in his thoughts before he smells something odd. It doesn’t take a genius to wonder what’s causing the bad smell.  
  
Rin makes his way back to the kitchenette, folding his arms and leaning against the wall to observe Makoto standing on a chair, pressing a purple dish towel up against the smoke detector. The air is cloudy, and it is all coming from the mess of whatever is on the plate on the counter. Makoto makes one more quiet plea for the smoke detector to not go off before it does, the loud sound reverberating through the entire apartment, making Rin jump even though he knew it was going to happen.  
  
Makoto squeals in a way that shouldn’t be possible for a man of his size. He starts panicking, forcing himself to think fast. He turns around quickly, ready to run towards the front door, when he catches Rin staring at him and trips over his own feet. “R-Rin!” Makoto lands on his bum with his hands planted on the floor behind him.

“I thought you were only going to reheat some leftovers, not burn my apartment down.” the redhead says with sarcasm. Calmly, he makes his way towards the living room and opens the big window with both hands. When he turns around, he witnesses Makoto back on his feet, rushing towards the door and opens it wide. When the cold air rushes in, he apologises furiously while swinging the door back and forth to force the smoke out of the apartment.

From across the hallway, Rin can hear the neighbors start shouting. Once the smoke clears enough, he marches to the door and calls out, “Why don’t you come over here and shove my smoke detector up your ass! Maybe that will stop it!” and promptly slams it shut.

Makoto is standing sheepishly in the entryway, bright cheeks and eyes on the floor, when the wailing of the detector stops. “I-I’m sorry, Rin, I don’t even know how this happened.”  
  
“Hey, whatever. I really don’t care.” Rin sighs, taking the plate of thoroughly nuked food and scraping it into the trash with a fork. He places both items in the sink before washing his hands and turning to watch Makoto walk back into the kitchen. Refolding the dish towel, he sets it back by the faucet. Embarrassed, he looks to the side and scratches the back of his neck. “Besides, you shouldn’t be eating our leftovers. The teriyaki was probably a week old.”

“Even still, I’m sorry for making your neighbors yell at you,” Makoto insists.

“They’re just a bunch of stupid kids anyways,” Rin excuses, leaning against the counter. “Nothing but college idiots who party all night and play games all day. They can suck my dick.”  
  
Makoto picks up his jacket from the table and jingles his keys. “Sounds tough. Will a drive to that café nearby cheer you up?”

Rin raises his eyebrows at Makoto and takes a second to himself before answering with another question. “What about Haru?”

“He wanted to get a head-start to the bakery to try out his new recipe for mackerel soufflé,” Makoto says, sounding resigned.

“Still trying to incorporate mackerel into desserts?” Rin flinches, wrinkling his nose and lowering eyebrows. He follows Makoto to where their shoes are and shakes his head side to side. “Even after all these years, Haru still hasn’t changed.”

“Yeah,” Makoto says, and for a moment Rin wonders if that sigh in his voice is actually as tired as he thinks it is.

  
*

Makoto parks his car in the near-empty lot by the trail where Rin jogged two hours earlier. They both get out the car and make their way out of the lot, passing by a line of trees that ran next to the trail as they walk side-by-side. Rin’s eyes instantly wandered down the trail, where memories of a lonely morning sent chills down his spine. Even when he knows that Sousuke’s absence shouldn’t bother him this much, Rin can’t stop himself from overthinking even the smallest detail.

He forces those thoughts out of his head and clears his throat. “So, how’s life?” Rin asks as he and Makoto begin to descend the hill leading to the tiny café. “Besides Haru being weird, as always.”

“My life has never been too exciting, Rin.” Makoto shrugs with an embarrassed smile. “Haru’s fighting for the executive chef position at the bakery he works at so he can have more control of the desserts, but with his insistence on having most of his foods be mackerel-based, the current chef isn’t having it. Haru won’t give up, though.”

“I said besides Haru,” Rin repeats, elbowing Makoto gently in the side. “You never talk about yourself much.”

The color climbs into Makoto’s cheeks, looking up at the bright sun from over the treeline in the distance. “There’s not much to tell, really. The cat’s getting fatter, I ruined one of my favorite shirts in the wash yesterday and a friend of mine is trying to get me to ask for an interview at the fire station, but I’m not quite sure if I should go.”

“Hold on. Are you seriously thinking of turning it down?” Rin feels a bit livelier now, the morning gloom lifting a little bit. “Makoto, you used to talk about being a fireman all the time when we were in primary school. This is your literal dream job.”

“Oh, I can’t believe you remember that.” Makoto asks warmly, but Rin is not going to be deterred, even if they’re already stopped by the door of the café.

“Of course I do. Who wouldn’t?” Rin adds, frowning and slightly embarrassed. “I remember saying I wanted to be a police officer so I could apprehend Saitama, but that was just so Haru would think I was cool.”

Makoto couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped his lips before Rin pushed the glass door open. 

“Not that it mattered in the end, anyway.” The red-haired admitted. “To tell you the truth, I wanted to be a policeman so I could help you fight fires and, you know, rescue cats from trees. Do they still do that?”  
  
“They do.” Makoto smiles, voice thick with affection and Rin feels his face burn up. “I’m sure they do, Rin.”

They share a moment of silence, just like they did that morning when their eyes met. Their friendship has always been full of silences like this; where words are not needed, where Rin feels lighter just by getting lost in Makoto’s understanding eyes. Their personalities are so different, complementing each other like day and night. Rin likes to believe that maybe that’s the reason why they have been best friends for a long while now.

Their moment ends when an old woman tries to exit the cafe with two cups of hot coffee in hands. They seat themselves at a table across the room, a girl takes their orders shortly after and giggles flirtatiously at Makoto like almost every girl that crosses his way. Rin has gotten used to it, rolling his eyes and giving Makoto a hard time after the waitress is gone.  
  
They talk about little nothings as they wait for their coffees, and when the drinks come, Rin speaks up. “So, I was thinking,” he begins, swirling his coffee with the tiny spoon. “It’s been awhile since all four of us went out and did something together. Sousuke is getting jealous, you know? How about a movie night?”  
  
“Oh, a movie night. I think it’s a great idea,” Makoto smiles brightly from over his cup of coffee and Rin swears that his smile lit up the room far more than the sun peeking through the window. “I’ve been trying to get Haru out of the house since his last recipe suggestion was put down. We’ve been doing nothing but watching Hell's Kitchen and planning complaint letters for his boss.”

“Woah, woah. Hold it right there.” Rin raises a brow. “You mean, Haru kept you all cooped up in that little apartment for an entire week just because his recipe sucks?”

“Rin!” Makoto chides. “His recipes are… creative.”  
  
“C’mon Makoto,” Rin folds his arms across his chest and shakes his head. “You need some excitement in your life, and not excitement caused by the threat of getting caught sending anonymous hate letters to chefs. More like… I don’t know. Maybe we can head out for drinks one of these nights.”  
  
Rin’s words resonated in Makoto’s mind, waking up a part of him that was allowed to be curious. His green eyes open wider, if fractionally, playing with the idea in his head. Going out for a drink with Rin, that sounded more interesting than everything he had done in months. Makoto allows himself to smile freely, the type of smile that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners. “Excitement? I’d...I’d like that, Rin.”  
  
“We can call it MakoRin time. Just you, me, a cool bar with nice lighting, and alcohol.” Rin grins widely. “Lots, lots of alcohol. Like the old times!” Rin sounds just as taken with the idea as Makoto is, both laughing and smiling the whole time.  
  
The anticipation was perfect, building in their bones as their eyes locks with one another. Makoto’s honest smile makes Rin’s chest feel tight. He wonders if this is what he needs, maybe not forever, but at least for a while until his heart feels lighter again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, THANK YOU for coming by and checking out this story! 
> 
> Over a year ago, Mamkey (Scooby) started this story but left it incomplete due to lack of time and inspiration. I reached out to her because I was really amazed by such an incredible plot and she gave me full permission to take, edit and continue this story to my liking. I deleted the original story from AO3 because I wanted to start all over and rewrite it from the very beginning. I am following the original story but using my style, head-canons, ideas and words to tell it differently. 
> 
> Anyway, expect a new chapter every other week! Ideas, suggestions and EVERYTHING is welcomed! Hope you guys enjoy this!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	2. I’ll be waiting with the keys to my hotel

“Ungh, I can’t believe this,” Rin lets out an exasperated growl as he and Makoto wait in an offensively long line to check out their basket of groceries.  “Sorry I took you on this boring shopping trip with me.”  
  
Their line isn’t as long as the others, and both feel extremely grateful, but there’s an old woman moving at the speed of a jungle sloth all the way at the front and Rin quietly voices that he would like to be home before the end of the month, if she’d be so kind.

“No problem! It was fun,” Makoto smiles, bright and sincere, despite the old woman and her damned bottomless pit of a purse.  
  
“Are you serious?” Rin asks in bewilderment. “You must not get out much at all, then.”  
  
“R-Rin!” Makoto whines, pushing him a little. “I mean, I had fun hanging out in general.”  
  
“Chores are better to do when you have someone to do them with, that is true. Though this is more like watching grass grow,” Rin sighs. “I would take you out for drinks tonight, but after this I feel like I won’t even have enough money to pay attention.”  
  
“Eh? How is that…?” Makoto begins but, after a moment of silence, Rin ends up rolling his eyes.  
  
“It’s a joke,” he adds, giving Makoto harsh nudges that have him crying out in protest.  
  
Finally the old woman slides her credit card correctly after six failed attempts, and all her items are bagged and stuffed into her cart. She’s almost out the door before the line is reduced to half its size, but it still takes about fifteen more minutes for Makoto and Rin to reach the checkout counter. Rin deposits his groceries on the belt with Makoto’s help and, when it comes time to pay, Makoto stops Rin by placing a hand on the redhead's shoulder.  
  
“Here, let’s split the bill in half.” Makoto pulls a bill out of his wallet and slides it into Rin's palm.  
  
“What?” It takes Rin almost five seconds to process the situation entirely before his eyes go wide, handing the bill back to his taller friend and looking partially offended. “Are you kidding me? I can pay for my own shit.”  
  
“It’s okay, Rin, relax.” Makoto insists warmly. “You just implied that this trip was a little too expensive for your wallet and I just want to help.”  
  
“Ungh, Tachibana…!”  
  
After a moment of arguing for sake of Rin’s pride, he pulls in a deep breath and relents. The cashier chuckles at them. She’s a young girl who can’t be older than twenty, and she’s shifting her eyes from Makoto and Rin in a way that makes Rin frown in confusion.  
  
Noticing Rin’s accusatory gaze, the girl forces his eyes down, fidgeting with her own fingers. “Sorry for staring! I just— noticed you guys from down the line and think you make a cute couple.”  
  
The unexpected comment catches them both off guard, and it is greeted by a nervous look and a chuckle coming from Makoto. Rin, on the other hand, scratches the side of his nose before forcing himself to reply. "Oh, no, we’re not together. We're both taken… by other men.” Rin mumbles, his mind going back to Sousuke and the unanswered texts from an hour ago. “We’re just two regular guys hanging out. Childhood friends still trying to figure out how to be adults.”  
  
“O-oh!” the girl says, blushing at her mistake. “That makes sense!”  
  
“Yeah, uh... stay in school.” Rin throws over his shoulder as Makoto grabs the cart, already filled with bagged groceries. Rin walks steadily beside him and, once they are almost at the door, he snickers. “Well, that was… interesting.”  
  
“Incredibly,” Makoto agrees.  
  
“I mean, you and I together?” Rin laughs as if he is telling the funniest joke ever heard. “I don’t know how to feel about that!”  
  
Makoto tries to join Rin and laugh, but he can’t. His mind is busy memorizing the sound of Rin’s laughter and the relaxed look crossing his face. “I don’t know about you but–” Leaving the grocery store, Makoto licks his lower lip before continuing. “–I feel flattered.”  
  
The wind blows Rin’s red bangs across his face as he stops and stares at Makoto for three long seconds. He can’t laugh anymore, not when Makoto is looking at him in a way that makes his knees feel weak and his heart skip a beat. “W-well, you better be,” Rin tries his hardest to hide his own nervousness behind a frown. “Because we’re talking about me.”  
  
The only response Rin gets from Makoto is a chuckle while he follows him in silence across the street. The sounds of the crickets echo throughout the night, filling the silence between them as they reach Makoto’s car parked not too far from where they were.  
  
Trying not to overthink his best friend’s words, Rin takes a deep breathe and looks back at the other. “By the way, thanks for helping me pay. I really appreciate it,” Rin admits timidly. “I have a thing for overreacting, I guess. Don’t tell Haru I said that.”  
  
“Oh! You’ve been doing it for so long, I guess I couldn’t really tell!” Makoto chuckles, earning him a nice jab in the ribs. “You’re welcome, Rin.”  
  
He helps Makoto place the groceries in the trunk and just steers the cart somewhere by the bushes, despite his friend’s protests, before sitting himself in the passenger’s seat. Rin takes another deep breath and closes his eyes momentarily. Things are back to normal.  
  
Makoto starts up the car and looks up at the night sky.  
  
“Wow, it’s gotten pretty dark.”  
  
“We did spend eternity in Hell’s checkout line,” Rin says helpfully.  
  
“I would think the checkout line in Hell is longer,” Makoto replies a bit thoughtfully, and Rin laughs.  
  
Makoto pulls out of the lot and onto the street. There, Rin turns on the radio to the hip-hop station and lowers to volume so that it’s mere ambiance. After letting a yawn out, Rin turns to face the scenery out the window and watches the store disappear from sight. For a moment, he just stares at his own reflection and notices how his hair has gotten longer than he remembers, before he catches sight of Makoto’s reflection behind to his. He can’t see it very well through the dirty and slightly fogged window, so he slowly turns to observe the real deal.  
  
Makoto’s completely focused on the road, and it’s one of the many things that Rin admires about him. Throughout college life and onward, Makoto has been a very safe and talented driver. He is very stern about car safety and once almost made Rin late to work because Rin refused to put his seatbelt on. It was a rather unpleasant time that nearly got him fired, but Makoto was confident in telling Rin that he’d be better off fired than dead.  
  
There’s a pause on the radio after the current song fades out and leaves the car in a complete silence when Makoto turns the wheel of the car and he glances at Rin with slight curiosity. By mere reaction, Rin is quick to avert his eyes to somewhere behind Makoto’s seat and pretends to be deep in thoughts, far away from any thoughts revolving around his best friend. There’s no indication that he’s been caught after five seconds or six, so Rin returns his gaze back to Makoto once he’s zeroed in on the road again.  
  
Rin doesn’t understands why he’s staring; why he cannot take his eyes away from the other man. Perhaps just to stare? Mere curiosity? He can’t decide, but he keeps doing it, noticing little new details on Makoto’s face that he hasn’t noticed before. Those long brown eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks, eyes that reflects an uncommon shade of green and those pink lips that stand out the most against his tanned skin.  
  
Biting his lower lip, Rin wonders if either Makoto has no idea that Rin is staring or he knows and he’s not letting him know he knows.  
  
It’s a rather frustrating thought. Rin kind of wants Makoto to make a witty comment about how he’s staring, he wants Makoto to react and maybe get embarrassed because Rin has been staring for far too long. But the longer he desires, the more he realizes that it’s not what he really wants.  
  
Car rides with Makoto are always nice, with or without conversation, and Rin realizes he would rather sit quietly without any commotion at all than have Makoto come at him with some snarky comment that would force him to joke and look away. And there’s something about such a thing that makes Rin’s stare all the more fonder.  
  
He forces himself to tear his eyes away from Makoto when the car turns down the street to his and Sousuke’s complex. Makoto pulls into the lot quietly, unbuckling his seatbelt simultaneously alongside Rin and leaving the car. They lift the trunk up together and pull out an equal share of groceries, Makoto staying behind to close the trunk so Rin can hurry up the stairs and unlock the door.  
  
Once inside, he sets the groceries on the table with a satisfied grunt. Makoto comes in and gently kicks the door shut. He joins Rin at the table. “You don’t have to stay, Makoto. I think I’ve got it from here.” he announces, pulling taking his sweatshirt off as he speaks. “Aren’t you tired of me already?”  
  
“Don’t be silly. There’s a lot of stuff here. Besides, Haru sent me a text a while ago saying he wants me to stay away from the house.” Makoto hangs his jacket on the tall rack by the door while Rin tosses his sweatshirt onto the couch. “Something about a surprise dinner.”  
  
“Lucky you. I can’t remember when was the last time Sousuke prepared a surprise dinner for me,” Rin pauses and then smirks, picking up both milks and maneuvering to the fridge. “But it makes sense. It should be a law for you to stay out of all the kitchens.”  
  
Makoto takes the boxes of crackers and places them in the top cupboards at Rin’s gesture, giving him a petulant huff. “Oh c’mon, Rin. I am not _that_ terrible...”  
  
They unpack all the groceries successfully and, by the time they’re done, it’s already 10:15 pm. Rin flops himself onto the couch, throwing his arm over his eyes before he catches himself yawning again. “Damn, that only took enough time to make me old. Am I growing a beard yet? Or maybe my legs have finally regrown all their hair. I don’t wanna shave tonight!”

Makoto barely has time to sit down before his phone chirps out a cute little tune announcing the arrival of a new text message they both already know that is from Haruka. He flips it open. “Oh. Haru wants me to come home now.”  
  
“Already?” Rin scoffs and sits up. “Tell your mom you’re busy.”  
  
“Busy? Doing what?”  
  
“Excuse me? You’re hanging out with Rin.”  
  
“I’ll let him know.” Makoto chuckles softly.  
  
After a moment, Makoto’s phone chirps again, and the brunet smiles at the reply. He doesn’t reads it out loud, he simply turns his phone towards Rin and lets him read it instead.  
  
_Isn’t it past your bedtime, Rin?  
  
_ “I will bite him,” Rin grumbles as Makoto gets up. Rin follows him, leading him to the door and his jacket. “Your boyfriend’s got a lot of nerve talking to his man’s best friend like that.”  
  
Makoto shakes his head with a sweet smile crossing his lips as he puts on his jacket and slips on his boots. Rin unlocks the door for him, but before Makoto can leave, he leans back and folds his arms.  
  
“I know we haven't spoken about it lately, but you're not going to let Haru keep you in when you tell him you’re going out with me for drinks, are you?”  
  
“Of course not,” Makoto says.  
  
“Good. And please don’t let him tag along. I know how you are. He does that thing that he does and you cave like that.” For good measure, Rin snaps his fingers.  
  
“I’ll try to resist.” Makoto’s eyes are crinkling under his smile.  
  
“You’d better.” Rin opens the door and watches Makoto leave, leaning against the wooden door holding on to the knob. “I mean it, Tachibana!”  
  
He gets a dutiful “Yes sir!” in response, which makes Rin roll his eyes and close the door. His apartment is ridiculously quiet now that Makoto is gone and Rin cannot stop himself from letting a sigh out as he scratches his head with slight discomfort. He hates it when he is all by himself.  
  
His phone buzzes in his pocket and he takes it out. Flipping it open, he read Sousuke’s name in the notification screen and his heart skips a beat.  
  
‘About time.’, he thinks before he opens his newest message.  
  
_On my way,_ it says and Rin finds himself frowning. He waited all day for a message this short?  
  
Trying not to let it bother him too much, he takes a deep breath and tosses his phone on the couch. Sousuke has had a string of late night shifts lately. That Takashi guy is a real flake, Rin thinks. No. He hopes.  
  
Rin looks around the apartment, emptier without Makoto, and for some reason the warm lights flooding the room have turned a bit colder. Checking the clock hanging by the door, he notices it’s almost eleven. He darts toward his bedroom and change of clothes before journeying to the kitchenette, determined to make a quick dinner before Sousuke gets home. He’s not rude like Haruka, so there will be no stay away for a while text, and he’s pretty confident that there will be food on the table before Sousuke arrives.

 

*

 

“Rin, I’m home,” Sousuke calls as he locks the door behind him.  
  
Rin is laying on the couch, almost asleep and breathing steadily, before he starts when Sousuke touches his side. “Sousuke…?”

“Hey,” Sousuke replies.  
  
Rin allows himself to smile, unable to hide his own happiness now reflecting in his beautiful bright eyes. He could swear that the apartment feels warmer now that Sousuke is finally home. “Welcome home, Sou…”  
  
“I forgot to tell you: I ate with friends before I came.” Sousuke admits and Rin’s smile fades from his face right after. “Whatever you made smells nice, though.”  
  
“O-oh.” Rin whispers and finds out he can’t look back at Sousuke’s teal eyes without feeling the delusion overflowing all his senses. “Alright, I… guess.”  
  
Sousuke plants a quick but chaste kiss on Rin’s head, hoping for it to be enough to erase that look from Rin’s face.  
  
“I’m going to take a shower and head to bed. Hopefully I’ll see you there.” Sousuke adds before striding out of the living room and down the hall.  
  
Rin sits up, running a hand through his hair as he stares after Sousuke. Glancing at his lap, he sighs and stands up. He tries to act like it’s nothing, like he doesn’t care, but fails and ends up feeling like a fool. It’s been two days since the last time he had dinner with Sousuke.  
  
Entering the kitchenette, he grabs the food he’d wrapped in foil beforehand and dumps it in the trash with no hesitation. The kitchenette is clean, but Rin grabs a towel and starts cleaning the counter one more time. Perhaps he was trying to distract himself for a little longer, pushing those painful thoughts to the back of his mind and trying not to think too much. He sighs one last time and turns the light off before walking down to the bathroom. After he finishes brushing his teeth and washing his face, Rin makes his way to their bedroom and opens the door carefully.

It’s almost pitch black, save for the light filtering in through the window above his head, and Rin takes a second to adjust his eyes to the dark. Making his way to the bed, Rin sits and stares at the window before his mind starts drifting to the time he spent with Makoto that afternoon.  
  
He thinks over some plans for the movie night and sighs softly, quietly, to himself so as not to wake Sousuke before clambering under the covers and tucking his arm under the pillow just how he likes. That night, Rin dreams of a cool bar, spicy drinks, green eyes and pink lips.

  
*  
  
“Makoto and I spent some time together a few days ago.” Rin announces once morning comes, breaking the silence between him and Sousuke. It’s right after seven, on their resting point from their morning jog and they are sitting outside the tiny cafe a couple blocks away from their apartment.  
  
“You did?” Sousuke asks, headphones dangling over his ears and eyes on his phone.  
  
“Yeah. He’d meant to take me to work but he forgot that I’d texted him to tell him I was off.” Rin catches a smile crossing his lips before continuing. “We made plans for a movie night over coffee.”  
  
“Just you two? Or did you plan on inviting Haru and me?” There’s something in the way Sousuke words his sentence that makes Rin frown a bit.  
  
“Of course. The plan includes you two.” When Sousuke nods and looks away, Rin’s frown becomes more prominent. “What was that?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“That look you gave me. And what you said,” Rin’s eyes narrows into a glare. “Were you honestly accusing me of making secret plans with Makoto?”  
  
“No. Why would I?”  
  
“Well, that’s what it sounded like.” Rin to a quick swig of his water.  
  
Sousuke fails to stop himself from rolling his eyes at Rin, not in the right mood for any sort of discussions. “Don’t have a fit. I didn’t mean anything by it.”  
  
“E-excuse me...?!” Rin raises his voice unwillingly. “A fit?! Is that what you were assuming I’d just do out of nowhere?!”  
  
“You have a thing for overreacting, Rin,” Sousuke states blatantly after raising an eyebrow, staring back at Rin just to prove a point. “Like you’re doing now, for example.”  
  
Rin scoffs in disbelief. “Only because you were so quick to say I would!” He counters. “You know how I get about that shit!”  
  
“You’ve always been like that. This isn’t something new, Rin.” Sousuke says. “I can’t help how you take what I say.”

“You could at least watch what you say for once!” Like acid through his veins, Rin finds himself oddly hurt and offended. “That’d be nice.”

“Don’t turn this around on me. What you comprehend is not my problem.” Sousuke shoots back.

And it’s Sousuke’s calm voice that annoys him the most. There’s a second where Rin thinks he catches a bit of something in Sousuke’s expression, a colder shade of teal he had never seen directed to him before.  
  
Rin’s eyes widen in realization. _Oh no._  
  
Standing up, Rin drinks the rest of his water down in one gulp and tosses the empty bottle into the nearby recycle bin. “Right, because everything that comes out of conversations like these is always my problem,” Trying to hide the hurt look on his face, Rin jogs off towards the lot, not bothering to stop when Sousuke calls out his name.

He takes the long route home, knowing that he might get a lot of shit from Satsuki if he gets to the box late, but he could care less at the moment. It gives him time to himself. Time to reflect. To think. 

Unable to forget the cold tone of Sousuke’s voice, Rin knows runs as fast as he can. It was the first time Rin had ever felt Sousuke throwing harsh words at him with the honest intention of leaving a bruise. He had never felt this sort of… rejection from his partner before, not even in their previous fights. What was going on?  
  
When Rin gets home he’s huffing and his muscles burn pleasantly. He slams the door shut and rests his back against the wooden surface. His eyes travel to the floor and notices that Sousuke’s shoes aren’t in the entryway. Exhaling air out through his nose drills, Rin closes his eyes momentarily and feels thankful for the empty apartment.  
  
Sousuke was probably trying to avoid Rin and another of his ‘fits’ and decided it was better to stay away from the apartment. The thought falls bitterly on Rin’s stomach and, in the next moment, he feels disappointed and angry.  
  
He showers faster than he’s ever showered, making sure to condition his hair vigorously, before tugging out the outfit he wore yesterday and his uniform. He doesn’t want to stay too long in their place for Sousuke’s sake, afraid of blowing up at him again if their gazes meet, so he marches down the hall and reaches into the fridge for an apple and a water bottle.  
  
When he manages to fold his uniform under one arm, his phone buzzes and Rin takes it out of his pocket to find out that he just got a new text.There’s a fleeting second where he thinks it’s from Sousuke, but seeing Makoto’s name sweeps that thought under the rug as quick as it came. He accepts the message and feels himself growing impatient.  
  
_I’m almost there, Rin!! At the stoplight by your complex!!!_

After shutting his phone, Rin snags his keys off the holder nailed to the wall by the coat rack, locking the door from the outside and jogging down the stairs. He isn’t going to bother waiting inside today.

Rin notices Makoto’s car pulling into the lot not too soon after he reaches the base of the stairs. He doesn’t allow Makoto to turn the engine off before he approaches, causing Makoto’s smile to drop as Rin nears the car.

When Rin’s hand landed on the door’s handle, he stops and turn to look in the direction of the approaching footsteps. It’s Sousuke. He’s coming from the other side of the lot and their eyes meet. Rin feels himself getting hot and Sousuke notices his bristling, stopping before he gets too close. They stare at each other for a long moment before Sousuke forces himself to look away.

Rin doesn’t waste anymore time, hurriedly opening the already unlocked door and dropping himself into the passenger seat. He remembers and forces himself not to slam it too hard, focusing on the apple he held in hands instead of watching Sousuke walking past their car and up the stairs to their apartment.

Makoto sits and stares at Rin a moment, then glances up at Sousuke. There’s a moment of silence in which the only sound is their breathing over the soft murmur of the radio. “Rin,” Makoto begins carefully. “Are... you two alright?”

“Please just go, Makoto.” Rin drops the apple on his lap and covers his face with one hand and Makoto’s eyes shine with worry. Carefully, he places an arm on Rin’s seat and starts backing out of the lot without voicing his honest concern.

Rin stews in his own emotions as Makoto drives, just staring out the window and not actually seeing anything. He is lost in thoughts, fighting his own insecurities and the pain in his chest. It takes him a moment, a second to breathe in and out, before he manages to find his voice and speak up. “Ok. I want to talk now.” Rin frowns at how small his voice sounds.  
  
“Of course, Rin,” comes Makoto’s reassuring reply.

Rin tries to keep his eyes focused on his own lap, knowing that Makoto was probably looking back at him with a worried expression crossing his face. After another pause, Rin forces himself to speak. “I told Sousuke about the plans we made,” He begins. Rin’s voice rings with an unfamiliar insecurity and Makoto’s eyes soften a bit more. “I didn’t really mention how we made them for all four of us right off the bat, and there was something about the way Sousuke just asked me if we even bothered to include him and Haru… I asked what he meant by it.”

Makoto slows and stops the car at a red light; his attention now fully on Rin.

“He told me not to throw a fit about it, and I—well, I did, but that was after I let him know how he sounded.” Rin's eyes lose some of its force, softening with sadness and a hint of bitterness. “And then he gets all riled up at me and just tells me what I already know about my… 'thing', and how my interpretation of what he says to me isn’t his problem!”

Rin is raising his voice, uncontrollably, exposing hurt he truly feel. “So I left him at our resting spot on the trail because I was so done with him! I don’t want to see his face after what he s-said.” His voice breaks on the last word and Rin pauses. Suddenly, he had a hard time breathing. “Why... would he say that to me? I get that it's not his problem, but aren't we supposed to be partners in stuff like this? I thought that's how the whole boyfriend thing works.”

Makoto rubs his thumbs over the steering wheel, frowning and his eyebrows crease in apprehension. He remains quiet as Rin speaks, not knowing the right words to bring peace into his best  friend’s eyes.

“He didn’t even chase after me when I left. There was more than enough time for him to come home and wait for me, but he didn’t.”A sigh of disappointment escaped Rin’s thin lips. “Why couldn’t he just go home and wait for me? I mean, he never does, but...”

“Rin...”

“Fuck, you know— it would be nice for someone to actually stand up and stop me from running away for once. Someone who will go and wait for me to come home after I'm done with running, so if I need to say something I have someone who will listen.” Rin’s bitterness echoes in his voice as he speaks. “Someone who won’t just let my shit slide. Someone who will face it with me. It’s hard to keep running away and running away when there’s nobody to run to when it really counts.”

Rin takes a breath in, catching Makoto’s scent in the car before exhaling out. He, then, turns around and their gazes meet. There’s a large, heavy weight that lifts off his chest when he sees Makoto’s face, warm and welcoming and with wholesome, understanding acceptance in his soft green eyes.

It’s a minute before Rin glances down at his hands. “...I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I grabbed this apple. I am not even that hungry. Do you want it?”

“That’s alright, Rin,” Makoto answers gently, and the car jerks softly as he steps down on the gas. “I’m sure you need that sugar more than I do.”

“Yeah,” he grumbles, lifting his head to stare out the window. “I guess so.”

 

*

When Makoto drops him off at the box, Satsuki complains over how he looks like he got run over by a bus instead of how he’s not even dressed appropriately. Rin doesn’t even manage to muster up a comeback, instead he heads to the second floor upstairs to Satsuki’s small studio and changes into his uniform.

After coming back down and settling himself at the counter across from hers, he logs into the computer just in case. “Well, at least you’re here. We have a lizard toy in the lost and found. Judging from the name on his belly, if a boy named Tsuna comes by, be sure to give it to him.”

“Uh, sure.” Rin says, and although he’s already done before his day has officially started, he stands from the desk and walks outside and leans against the tall tree standing right in next to the police box.

The wind blows Rin’s hair back and he shivers, his cold expression still present while he stays in, silently watches the cars driving by. There’s a buzzing in his pocket and, upon flipping it open, he discovers he’s got two messages. He’d felt the first buzz in the car, he remembers. The phone automatically opens the earliest message first. Rin’s heart skips a beat when he realizes it is from Sousuke.

_Hey I was a real dick earlier. I’m sorry. I’ll buy you something spicy for dinner tonight, ok?_

That’s nothing compared to what Rin was expecting Sousuke to say, but he knows that’s as much as he’ll get. Not truly convinced, Rin accepts the apology and closes the message.

When he opens the second message, Makoto’s name is displayed as the sender.

_Remember that you can always talk to me, no matter what. I would even run after you if I had to! Maybe I can convince Haru to invite you over for dinner tonight, if you’re not busy? It’s been awhile since he’s seen you. (^ > ω < ^) _

The cat emoticon gets a chuckle out of him, and he’s quick to send a response.

_I am starting to miss the taste of mackerel in everything I eat. But maybe some other time. Sousuke wants to make it up to me with spicy food._

Thirty seconds go by before the next reply hit his inbox.

_Rinrin’s weakness! Have fun! But not too much fun, or else you’ll be boring by the time we get our drinks! d(=^･ω･^=)b_

Rin feels his cheeks fire up at the nickname used against him. In retaliation, he fires off another quick response before tucking his phone away.

_Those are strong words, Tachibana. I'll be damned if I don’t make you eat them!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of the comments, kudos and bookmarks! It makes me really happy! I am glad this story is getting such a positive response and it surely motivates me to keep writing <3!! Just because I already love you all, I am adding more MakoRin in your MakoRin drama and making things more spicy! Lol. <3
> 
> It's finally Friday, guys! I am sooo ready for the weekend! I need some rest from my working life :'(, lol. Btw, I promise that future chapters will be longerrr!! <3
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	3. Last night, unforgettable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have anyone noticed that the chapter titles are telling their own story, too?

The air inside Makoto’s car feels heavy once he drops Rin off, finding himself once more alone with his thoughts. His mind is somewhere else, maybe twenty minutes back in time, when Rin was still sitting next to him and venting about his lovelife; feeling so vulnerable and hurt.

Makoto wants to slap himself, wondering why he didn’t say anything when he needed to, wondering why he remained quiet when Rin’s voice broke and tears were fought. His heart aches for Rin, and he promises himself to try harder and always be there whenever Rin needs him.

Grabbing his phone on a red light, he texts Rin and tries to make his best friend’s day better.  Rin’s wild hair tangles his mind and Makoto can’t stop the smile from his lips once he gets a text back.

Of course he is aware that Rin is hard to handle sometimes, that it is just the way he is wired, but Makoto knows that he is much more than a hot head. Rin is so passionate, his presence is so bright, and he loves like no other. Makoto knows very well that all Rin had ever wanted was to be loved in return.

Makoto feels like the drive home takes a lot longer than it should. He distracts himself from continuing thinking about Rin by counting the seconds it takes for the red lights to turn green. Once he’s reached the humble little complex he calls home, he sifts through his contacts. Haruka is first on the list, and he hits the call button.

It takes a while for him to answer. Haruka isn’t one to use his phone much aside from calls to and from Makoto. “Hmph.”

“Hi, love. I’m home.” Makoto announces warmly. “Are you ready?”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

The line goes dead before Makoto could say something else, leaving a cold sensation flowing through Makoto’s fingertips as he stares at his cell phone for quite a while. Haruka is like a cold river he has gotten used to swimming through, yet sometimes Makoto finds himself staring at the sun, wondering if their relationship would ever change; wondering if Haruka would ever treat him warmly.

Haruka comes trotting down the stairs from the top floor, not looking hardly winded at all once he reaches the lot. He crosses the space to Makoto’s car and steps in. Makoto shifts the gear into drive and leans over to press a kiss to Haruka’s lips. Haruka accepts it, but once Makoto leans back, he’s right back to scribbling something down on his notepad. “What’s that, Haru?”

“A draft of my letter,” he mumbles as Makoto backs out of the lot.  
  
“You’re still trying to write that complaint letter?” Makoto whimpers, casting Haru a tired glance as he pulls into the main street.

“It was either this or anonymous hate emails, but I don’t know his email,” Haru supplies.

“You’re ridiculous, Haru,” Makoto says, a bit of a smile in his voice.

“You sound like Rin,” Haru snorts. They share a glance before Makoto makes a turn at the roundabout and they’re off to the bakery.

_Like Rin,_ _huh?_ Makoto smiles at that thought and feels quite pleased with himself. Being compared to his best friend feels more like a compliment than anything else.

When they take a left turn on a busy street, Makoto hums a quick tune and speaks up again. “So, Haru, Rin and I met up some time ago. We planned a little thing for all four of us to do together.”

“What kind of thing?” Haruka asks, eyes still focused on his notepad.

“A little movie date!” Makoto smiles widely with excitement. “Just you, me, Rin and Sousuke watching that new dinosaur movie!”

“Jurassic World?” Haruka pauses, looks up and arches an eyebrow at Makoto. “I thought you didn’t like scary movies.”

“It-It’s not that scary, is it? Just… lots of action! That’s what Rin said.”

“Rin says a lot of things.” Haruka sighs. “Do you remember when he made you watch that new fiction movie? You came home shivering like a dog.”

Makoto frowns. “I actually like that movie…”

Haruka makes a disbelieving noise. “What day are you going?”

“We,” Makoto drawls with an insisting tone as he turns corner, “are going when Rin and I can decide on a good day. I was personally thinking perhaps a Saturday or Sunday?”

There's a silence between them, then a frown crosses Haruka’s face. “Makoto, I work on weekends.”

“I know,” Makoto winces at the harshness Haruka’s voice. “I was thinking… maybe... you could take a day off? Y-you know, call in sick for the day.”

“Why would I want to do that?” Haruka takes a deep breath in. “I already have the executive chef on me about my recipes. I can’t have him finding out that I’m a liar as well.”

“It’s just one day, Haru,” Makoto quietly put in, finding out that his eyes were not able to leave the road anymore. “But I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”

Haruka sighs again, taking a moment for himself before looking back at his partner. There’s something in the silence between them, in the way Makoto’s eyes were now avoiding his that force Haruka to take a step back and analyze his surroundings.   
  
After passing a speeding bump, Haruka closes his notebook. “I don’t know.” He shrugs, staring back out his passenger side window. “I will… think about it, alright?”

Makoto gives a little resigned smile. “Thank you, Haru.”

 

*   
  


Makoto isn't sure how, but their home feels different when he is by himself. Locking the door behind him, Makoto falls backwards and presses his back against the wooden surface before he finds himself staring at the ceiling. Victim of an overflowing uneasiness blooming in his stomach, Makoto bites his lower lip and his eyebrows knit upwards.

It has always been like this, ever since he was a child, listening to the whispering voices of his insecurities and haunted by thoughts of a reality he doesn’t live in. This is why Makoto Tachibana hates to be by himself; alone with his own thoughts and his worst enemy.

He toes off his shoes and sheds his coat, turning to the right and entering the kitchen. After placing his keys on the dining table, he steers himself to the stairs to the right of it, heading up to the bedroom. There, he hangs up his coat in the wardrobe and ducks into the bathroom for a quick shower.

Makoto manages to relax once in the shower, closing his eyes and smiling while warm water cascades down his shoulder blades. For five minutes he is stress free and his body feels lighter; for five minutes he stops his mind from wondering if this calm and boring lifestyle is really for him.

By the time he exits the bathroom, it is almost twelve and he is getting hungry. He gets dressed, throwing on the first things he finds. His feet take him to the kitchen not too long after, browsing through the shelves for something to snack on. Rin’s voice echoes through Makoto’s head, reminding him that he’s still lacking of cooking skills and a frustrated sigh escapes him. In the end, he picks up the box of white cheddar crackers and ventures to the living room where he grabs book and gets himself settled on the couch.

There’s a TV on the other side of the room and Makoto turns it on just when another episode of his favorite show begins. He smiles, yet his smile feels quite empty this time. He then breaks open the box of crackers and chews on one while he flips open the book to where he’d last placed his green bookmark.

And, just like almost every day, Makoto finds himself trapped on his own little routine. Discussing a new book with Haruka while having dinner was usually the highlight of his day.

While sitting on the couch, he glances up at the TV and realizes that he has already seen this episode before. It felt just like a dejavu, like living in a cycle, and Makoto can’t help but feel a bit bored. It’s the same channel he’s turned to every day he drops Haruka off at work, and every day it’s the same thing. 

On a whim, Makoto picks up the remote and starts flipping through the channels and, when he can’t find anything that catches his attention, he shuts off the TV and puts his book back. He could feel his anxieties building up, forcing him to stand up and go back to the kitchen. There’s a dishtowel on the microwave, Makoto grabs it and starts cleaning the counter just to keep his mind occupied.   
  
As it turns out, the house isn’t dirty at all, but Makoto just keeps trying to find excuses to clean this or wipe that. He cleans the house every day, every time Haruka goes to work. Even after Haruka’s done making dinner, he helps out with the dishes and even takes some extra time to sweep once he insists Haruka go to bed.

For a moment, he feels almost like he’s more of a mother than a boyfriend, but he pushes that thought out of his mind and keeps cleaning.

Makoto hugs his arms as he stands by their bedroom. He’s tidied his and Haru’s drawers already, and the dressers are bare of any dust. The floors are swept and mopped. He even managed to check under the bed for spiders and anything scary (which took a lot of willpower to accomplish). The shoes are neatly lined up in the entryway. The house is officially spotless.

Makoto feels a bit helpless, walking about the condo without a purpose. He looks into the fridge, for what he doesn’t really know, but there’s something missing in his stomach and the more he searches the more he realises that he would be very happy with a glass of wine or something of the like. He plops himself back on the couch, folding his legs and letting out a long sigh.

_ Boring. _

It’s boring, just sitting and waiting for Haruka to text him once his shift is over.

Then again, this is just a normal day for Makoto and, despite what he thinks, he knows he shouldn’t really complain.

*

 

Haruka’s text arrives to Makoto’s cellphone half an hour late, when he is already worried, standing by the open front door with his keys in hand.   
  
_ I’m staying late. _

It was such a short and cold text. Makoto’s shoulders shivers, his lips quivers and this doesn’t feel right at all. After taking a minute or two, Makoto replies to Haruka’s text message before closing the door behind him.

_ Okay, love. Let me know when you want me to come pick you up. _

Makoto throws himself onto the couch in the living room. He tosses an arm over his eyes and lets a heavy breath out. He could hear those destructive thoughts coming back, thoughts spinning in a million different directions until Makoto feels the need to sit back up and fight them back.

He remembers the old 3DS console laying on the very back of his nightstand drawer and contemplates the idea of playing a videogame, just like the old times. He fetches a soft blanket from the hallway dressers and gets his 3DS from the bedroom. With a nostalgic smile dancing on his lips, Makoto boots up his favorite Mario Kart game and feels amazed once he realized how his fingers still remember how to race.

He’s just about to send Toad off Rainbow Road with a red shell when there’s a knock at his door and he pauses the game. 

Makoto gets on his feet, both bare upon the carpet, and walks all the way back to front door. Wondering if his neighbor had forgotten to put money in their laundry card again before the main office closed for the day, he opens the door and meets with Rin’s face. 

He blinks. “Rin?”

“Yo. Can I come in?” Rin asks, standing right in front of his best friend. He is wearing a thick black jacket while his hands remain hidden inside his pockets. The wind is blowing wild through his beautiful red hair, sneaking through the front door and causing Makoto to shiver in response.

“U-Um. Sure?” Makoto opens the door wider so Rin can slink inside. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be having dinner with Sousuke?”

Rin freezes, rubbing the back of his neck. “I did.”

“How was it?” Makoto asks as Rin takes his jacket and boots off, leaving them both at the entryway. They both walk into the living room, where Makoto turns off his 3DS and begins folding the blanket.

“Well, it was pretty nice. The food was spicy, as promised, but…” Rin purses his lips, Makoto observes. “He, uh. He wanted to screw around and I just wasn’t feeling it. I think I might have said something to offend him… again… so I just left.”

“Oh.” Makoto pauses. “Did you take the car?”   
  
“I-I..” Rin looks down to the side. “I. Um. Walked.”

“Rin!” Makoto whimpers chastising. Rin looks a bit sheepish, and plops himself down on the couch with both hands covering his forehead.

“I’m sorry, okay? I tried talking to him about it, but… things just kinda got out of hand.” Rin brings his knees up to the couch, curling his arms around them and hiding his head between them. “I think he heard when I said that I’d be here for a while but, I don’t know, I-I might text him later.” 

Walking over hesitantly, Makoto sits next to him. “You definitely need to text him.” he adds carefully. “He’ll worry if you don’t.”

Rin sighs exasperatedly. “This shit gets so tiring, Makoto. You are Haru are so lucky you don’t argue all the time.”

Makoto’s eye wonder to the other side of the room and, for a second, he wonders if his life wouldn’t be this boring if he actually fought with Haruka once in awhile. “I’m sure you guys don’t argue all the time.”

The shorter of the two growls in response. “No, not all the time. But it’s nothing unusual.” Rin allows himself to slouch a little; shoulders slumping slightly, half closing his eyes, the read-head finds his mind clouded with bittersweet memories. “We’ve been together for three years now and I can probably say our arguments can fill one whole year.” 

“Oh… I’m sorry.” 

“I could really go for a drink right now.”

“So could I,” Makoto agrees. “But I’m waiting on Haru for a text so I can go fetch him from work.”   
  
“Staying late again?” Rin mutters. “Someone needs to tell him that those mackerel recipes are not getting him anywhere.”   
  
“He’s dedicated,” Makoto sighs.   
  
“Yeah, whatever.” There’s a moment of silence between the two before Rin finds himself talking again. “What were you doing before I came?”    
  
“I was just playing a game.”

Rin notices the 3DS laying on the couch next to Makoto. “Which game?”

Makoto smiles shyly and scratches the back of his head. “Mario Kart. I was on Rainbow Road.”   
  
“Oh! Do you have another 3DS? I would kill to throw your ass off of Rainbow Road,” Rin challenges, smiling dangerously at his best friend.

Makoto chuckle. “I think Haru still has his old one from junior high. I could go get it.”

When Makoto leaves the room, Rin’s smile disappeared almost instantly. He could still hear Sousuke’s angry voice echoing inside his head, he can’t erase Sousuke’s irritated expression from his mind. Rin ends up biting his lower lip, letting his shoulders fall and pressing one hand against his forehead. “How the heck… am I supposed to keep you happy, Sousuke?”

Rin swallows his anxieties when he hears Makoto’s footsteps approaching again, and forces a fake smile on his lips right when their eyes meet again. It is then when he notices the teal console on Makoto’s hand and Rin can’t help but frown. “Is that shit custom made or something?”

“Metallic Blue,” Makoto corrected. “Haru saved up his allowance just so he could get it.”   
  
“To be fair, I probably would have done the same for the Retro NES edition,” Rin says with Haruka’s 3DS in hand and inspecting the console for a brief moment before turning it on. “Now, ready to get your ass kicked by the Karting champ?”    
  
“I’m scared,” he whines, sitting back on the couch next to Rin. 

Teasingly, Rin elbows Makoto while chuckling. “Cowards have no place on Rainbow Road, Makoto!” 

Makoto chooses the level and they begin. Rin shoots ahead effortlessly, leaving him to flounder about behind Luigi. They become so enraptured in the game that they soon move from the couch to stand. Rin wins the level, and so he chooses the next race. This continues on for a while, until they both end up on the floor side by side.

“God — Fuck!” Rin curses, shaking the 3DS when Makoto manages to hit him with the blue shell bomb. He’s in first place, now descending to fifth rapidly. “Makoto! Sneaky bastard!”  
  
Makoto lets out a string of panicked whimpers, obviously struggling to hurry and pass the disoriented Bowser while he can. Rin laughs at him, growling competitively as he nears Makoto’s rear, harshly bumping the wobbling Yoshi out of the way and into the grass. “Rin! No!”

“Revenge is best served as a strange looking godzilla creature,” Rin chuckles menacingly.

They wind up neck-in-neck only several seconds from the finish line. At the end, it’s Rin who pulls ahead, beating Makoto by mere milliseconds. The man flies to sit up, outstretching his arms in victory as he imitates the sound of a crowd screaming. Makoto, meanwhile, jumps at the sudden win causing his 3DS to fall from his hands to his face, landing on his nose with a loud and painful whack.

Rin laughs hard. “Damn, Makoto! You suck!”

Makoto is too busy coddling his injury to feel offended. “It hurts…”   
  
“Oh, c’mon.” Rin gets on his knees next to Makoto and can’t keep himself from smirking at his friend’s red nose and at the defeated look on his face. “It’s not that bad.”   
  
“When you look back on this moment, just remember,” Makoto sniffles pitifully, pointing at his nose with a single finger, “you did this to me.”   
  
Rin tilts his head, lowering a finger to poke at Makoto’s forehead. “Yeah, whatever. Idiot.”   
  
Makoto flushes and puffs out his cheeks, trying his hardest to keep a steady glare on his face. Rin is still hovering over Makoto’s body, a finger still gently pressed against his companion’s forehead, when Makoto realizes that Rin has very soft features when he’s not throwing around his razor-sharp smiles or giving hard looks.    
  
Rin’s got long lashes, high cheekbones and a slender neck but, even beneath all his hipster clothes and porcelain skin, Makoto knows there’s a blazing passion behind those lips and fiery spirit in his eyes. It’s the sight of Rin’s smile that makes him shiver. Makoto passes it off to himself as just the floor being cold, but the floor isn’t cold at all.

Makoto wonders why he had never noticed before how attractive Rin really was.

It is right then when Rin removes his finger from his forehead and places his hand on the space right beside Makoto’s shoulder as leverage to push himself into standing. Makoto, stares blankly up at the ceiling trying to keep himself from focusing on how Rin’s bangs are tickling his cheeks or how he can feel Rin’s breath fan across the corner of his mouth as he heaves himself up. 

Rin places his hands on his hips, staring out across the living room, and the man on the floor hides his face behind his 3DS and distracts himself by fiddling with the game. “Damn, how long does Haru plan on staying late? It’s almost eleven o’clock.” He sighs. “I say we bust the joint, throw him in the trunk and just bring him back here. All that work isn’t healthy.”

“He’s just dedicated,” Makoto mumbles, saving the game and shutting it down.

“You keep saying that, but he’s a loon and you know it. Poor Makoto’s dating a loon. How sad.” Rin sounds genuinely worried, until he fixes Makoto with a clever gaze and Makoto rolls his eyes. 

His chirpy ringtone sounds from somewhere on the couch, and Rin blinks while Makoto stands.

“Speak of the devil.”

“It’s Haru,” Makoto says after checking his cellphone. Turning, bits his lip before speaking again. “I really think you should call Sousuke, Rin. It’s been a couple hours already.”   
  
“Kicking me out already, Tachibana?” Rin asks, for a moment looking honestly disappointed. “You’re just mad I kicked your ass at Mario Kart, aren’t you?”   
  
“Oh, I’m livid,” Makoto says, shaking his head side to side. Rin just laughs in response.    
  
The redhead doesn’t waste too much time and grabs his phone up. After dialing Sousuke’s number, Rin presses the phone against his ear and ventures to the kitchen. Makoto silently watches him walk away.  
  
“...Hey. Yeah. Um, no, I’m at Makoto’s. I, uh, walked. Yeah, I… Look, Sousuke, I just wanted to say that — oh.” He feels his heart respond with a pang against his chest, bringing a frown back to his face. “Right. Great. I think I will. Whatever. Bye.” 

He ends the call with a firm click and stares at his phone for ten long seconds. Suddenly, his fingers begin to tremble and his throat becomes too tight that he can hardly breathe. Sousuke didn’t want him back home for the night. Rin closes his eyes tightly and tries to push all these bad feelings away from his injured heart, but he fails. There’s no worse feeling than feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.

After minutes of silence, Makoto watches Rin come back into the living room pretending to be okay. The redhead plops himself on the couch, crosses his legs and begins shaking his foot up and down. “I-is it alright if I stay over?” he asks, and it's impossible not to notice how terse he sounds. “I-I… uh… don’t feel like going home tonight.”

It is then when Makoto finally gets an idea of how bad Rin’s love life really is. He can’t stop himself from feeling sorry for his best friend. “You’re always welcome to stay over, Rin.” He smiles sadly at the other. “Haru would love to see you.”

 

*

 

“Rin,” Haruka states as he sets foot in the kitchen just half an hour before midnight. Rin, who is sitting at the table, gives him a snarky smile before taking a sip from his green tea.

“Yo,” he greets.

Makoto then appears behind Haruka, worry reflected in every inch of his face. “He wants to stay the night. I said it was fine, but…” He trails off, and Haru shakes his head.

“No, it’s alright,” He reassures, sharing a tiny smile to his partner. Then, his blue eyes go back to Rin and continues.  “Just stay out of my kitchen.”

“W-What the hell, Haru?!” Rin blanches, looking slightly offended. “Who do you think you’re talking to?!”   
  
“Someone who doesn’t appreciate the art of cooking with mackerel,” Haruka states plainly, glancing at Makoto as he hides a chuckle behind the back of his hand.   
  
“You are so annoying, Haru. Seriously,” Rin drink the last sip of his tea and stands up. “Fine, I’m going to make myself home on your couch if you don’t mind.”    
  
The redhead leaves the kitchen into the living room where he’s already set out blankets and a pillow. Makoto calls out to him and tells him that it's a pull-out, and Rin sings happily.

"It's nice for all of us to be together like this, right, Haru?" Makoto wonders, trailing behind Haruka as he takes a pan out of the covers.   
  
"Yes," Haru says. "Good change of pace, I suppose."  
  
Makoto furrows his brows unconsciously, still smiling as he wonders where those words are coming from. "What do you mean?"   
  
"It's gotten quiet around here," Haru answers, sprinkling some seasonings on the mackerel in the pan. He then strays over to the rice cooker and works his magic with it. "We haven't been doing much of anything lately. Things get quiet when life settles, Makoto. Everything slows down. It's nice."   
  
Makoto remains quiet next to his lover and stares blankly at the spotless floor beneath his feet. He wonders if Haruka has any idea of how different their ideals are. His breath gets stuck in his throat.

That's it. This is his life. Slow and steady, like it's always been. Nothing too outrageous that he can brag about, not loud enough to inspire, but simply low key and quiet to just let people know that yes, he exists, that he is still there. All his life he has been standing right beside Haruka, smiling, living a quiet life not to out of the ordinary and it's obvious Haruka finds that to be just enough.

But this isn’t enough for Makoto. This quiet life… isn’t what Makoto really wanted.

He wonders about Rin and Sousuke's life, and even Nagisa and Rei’s. They must live fast-paced and spirited. It must be why Rin and Sousuke are so quick to light fires in each other, while Makoto and Haru are not. 

Rin always used to talk about where Sousuke was taking him, or plans he made for the both of them. From hiking, swimming to running— it all sounds way more interesting than anything Makoto and Haruka had done together in years.  Makoto admires the way Rin lives his life; living the day like no other. Rin was the type of guy that people could feel good about themselves just by being in their presence. Makoto smiles at the thought; wishing he could be more like Rin and less like himself. Maybe… this is why Makoto likes to spend time with Rin more than anybody.

Green eyes fall back on Haruka with a hint of guilt reflected on his face. If only Haruka knew.

Nothing had really changed between Makoto and Haruka since the very beginning. There was no big announcement about their relationship, no special confession or a stolen kiss. It happened just how Makoto had predicted: slow and simple. He didn't mind, or at least he thought he didn’t. He was young and so in love he was almost drowning, and Haruka was there to make sure he stayed above the surface.    
  
Now, four and a half years later, nothing has changed. Haruka has adapted to the domestic life exactly like Makoto has, and that's just it. The waters aren't rising anymore, and now Makoto stands waist-level wishing for a hurricane to hit him hard.  
  
Change must come eventually, Makoto knows this. It's only natural. He himself has changed, in ways he wonders if Haruka has noticed.   
  
He asks himself about whether or not Haruka will ever propose. Or maybe, it's going to have to be him. And then there's the thought that Haruka may not want anything to change, and that same feeling he's felt for the past thirteen months comes back with a vengeance.   
  
Makoto plants a kiss in the space between Haru's cheek and ear while he's chopping up some garlic. "I'm going upstairs to take a shower."

"Don’t you usually take them after you drop me off?" Haruka asks quietly.

"...I forgot," Makoto lies, but it's just a little white lie, and he's sure that Rin and Haru and Sousuke have told them a thousand and one times, so it's not so bad if he does, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT ;3; Each kudo and comment make my day better <3 I am so glad that you guys are enjoying the story so far! But, trust me, it will only get better from this point on ;)
> 
> Many thanks to my pretty beta-reader @tspofnutmeg for always being there by my side and her constant support, she's the best <3
> 
> It's almost HALLOWEEN!!! Woah, this month went by SO fast! I can't wait until Christmas, though <3
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	4. No one betters the way that you swallow me whole

The sound of a door slamming from somewhere on the third floor is what wakes Makoto that morning. Green eyes, still blurry with sleep, blink at the ceiling as a silent yawn leaves his mouth. He sits upright in bed a little carelessly, and glances over at Haruka’s sleeping form. Makoto gently caresses Haruka's cheek with the back of his hand and brushes those raven bangs out of his face.  
  
Haruka stirs and Makoto stops. He doesn't make any other noises, so Makoto slips out of bed without a sound and heads to the bathroom for an early morning shower.  
  
As usual, though, Haruka is gone from the room when he's done and the smell of a mackerel breakfast wafts up to him from downstairs. He gets a change of clothes and tidies up the bed before heading down. He finds Haruka where he always is; standing barefoot in the kitchen, wearing nothing but his boxers and apron while deep in thought. He doesn't appear to have seen Makoto until he lets out a quiet, "Morning."  
  
"Morning, love." Makoto moves over to the kitchen and Haruka lets him plant a quick peck on his cheek. "Smells good."  
  
“It’s just Mackerel.” Haruka excuses himself with a faint hint of embarrassment in his voice. "Take a seat. It should be ready soon."  
  
Smiling softly, Makoto does as he's told, and it's not long before Haruka is plating the food and serving it with rice from the cooker. As Makoto takes a sip of his tea, Haruka sits in front of him and they proceed to eat.  
  
"This morning is nice and quiet," Haruka muses, eyes straying to their living room, where a long window faces their way. The sky full of white and gray colored clouds, hiding the sun beams from the city.  
  
"It looks cold, doesn’t it?" Makoto adds softly, his soft voice like a midwinter chill runs down Haruka’s back.  
  
“...Yeah.” There is a silence between them, a silence where Haruka can’t take his eyes away from his lover. Noticing how those brown eyelashes shadow his green eyes beneath thick, dark brows. Haruka catches himself staring and forces himself to look away, clearing his throat right away. "What are you going to do today?" He asks instead, and Makoto pokes at his mackerel with his hashi.  
  
"I might go grocery shopping later. Do you have a list of anything we might need?"  
  
"Mackerel," Haruka says simply, and Makoto sighs.  
  
"Right," he affirms quietly to himself and stares down at his plate where a fish seasoned to perfection stares back at him. Makoto’s smile drops as he wonders when will Haruka ever decide to cook anything else.  
  
It's boring, Makoto thinks; and as that thought subtly squeezes itself to the front of his mind he freezes.  
  
Haruka stops chewing. "...Makoto?"  
  
Makoto's been eating mackerel every breakfast and dinner for four straight years. (And lunch, but not if he can help it.) The realization arrives as a knot in his stomach and suddenly he is not hungry anymore.  
  
It's boring, he thinks. It's boring.

It's boring.

Mackerel is boring.

This life is boring.

_ My life is boring! _

"...akoto?"  
  
Makoto’s head snaps up, almost yelling those words out, but he manages to shut his mouth before it happens. A second passes, then two, and Makoto finally finds his voice right after. "Yes, love?" he asks, feeling a little breathless.  
  
"I asked if the mackerel was okay—"  
  
"It's fine," Makoto interrupts, but when Haruka's eyes widen ever so slightly he quickly adds, "...Haru-chan." He forces a smile out he knows Haruka will probably see right through but he doesn't want to speak anymore for fear of saying something he shouldn't.  
  
Haruka regards him a moment, before dropping his eyes back down to his plate and muttering, "Drop the -chan."  
  
Makoto doesn't look away. Judging from the tone of his voice, he could tell that Haruka knows way more than he’s willing to admit, getting hurt like Makoto predicted.  
  
Here’s when Makoto realizes this is the beginning of something awful, something he wouldn’t be able to stop, something intoxicating that would just grow and wouldn’t go away. An ugly frown twists his features, eyes trembling with regret at the unwanted realization, but he manages to regain his composure before Haruka has a chance to catch it.  
  


*  
  
It’s Wednesday and also Haruka’s day off. Like a routine, Haruka heads to the bathroom right after breakfast and starts the shower. Not too long after, when Makoto is finally done doing the dishes, he sneaks into the shower and joins Haruka. His arms are wrapped around Haruka’s nude body before he starts kissing his lover’s shoulders, whispering over and over how he wants to make love to him but Haruka remains quiet instead.   
  
Makoto insists, just like almost every time he asks, and the water is already cold when Haruka accepts. They have sex, but Haruka doesn't let it happen until they move to the bed. Makoto doesn't mind his traditional taste, but as he and Haruka get the sheets ready for washing he tries to remember the last time they had sex that wasn't in a bed.  
  
Haruka stuffs the last of the sheets into the second smaller basket and Makoto takes the larger one. They both journey out the door and all the way downstairs to the laundry room in their respective complex.  
  
Makoto pulls open the door for Haruka and they are instantly bombarded by the loud giggling of a young couple in the corner. After the bell on the door stops tinkling, the couple quiets down and give them polite smiles. Haruka only spares them a single glance before moving to one of the empty rows of appliances. Makoto joins him, setting the basket down besides Haruka's and giving the couple a long look when they burst out into another fit of laughter.  
  
They are glued together by the only table in the room, with the girl sitting on it and her boyfriend standing between her swinging legs. He tries not to listen, especially when he's sure he hears the girl whisper to her boyfriend that she'd kill to get him naked with the washer on spin cycle. Makoto clears his throat while his cheeks go bright and, for the last time, the couple quiets down. They seem a bit irritated at him, so they decide to take their leave and the laundry room is completely empty again.  
  
As the door closes, Makoto lets a sigh out and helps Haru gather up the sheets to put in the water. His mind is still with the couple, in the looks they exchanged and in the way they melted in each other’s touch. They’re young, in love— much like he used to be. They’re also living. Young, in love, and living for the moment— Makoto’s heart feels heavier inside his chest when he thinks of how he and Haruka weren’t quite like that at all when everything started.  
  
Haruka stands and watches the washer spin under the see-through lid. Makoto stands by his side, unfocused eyes staring at his phone’s screen. They are both quiet, lost in their own worlds, until Haruka blinks, licks his lower lip and turns towards his lover.  
  
"Tonight is a good night for your bar date." Haruka says, calmly.  
  
Makoto's eyes shoot up to meet Haruka's. "A-are you sure?"  
  
"I'm sure." He looks away and nods.  
  
Makoto smiles affectionately at Haruka and says nothing more. He flips open his phone and swiftly shoots Rin a text. They exchange a few messages back and forth until they agree on a time to meet for those drinks. Makoto is already excited and can’t erase that silly smile from his lips for the rest of the laundry cycle. Haruka stares at Makoto longingly.  
  
After he and Haruka have finished with cleaning their sheets, they return to their apartment and change their clothes. They leave to the market right before noon and shop around the store with a similar list in mind. When Haruka remembers that mackerel is in season, his eyes light up and  hurries his way to the fish section.

Makoto stands by himself right by the milk and sighs with partial annoyance. He knows that Haruka will buy generous amounts of mackerel and his nose cringes in anticipation knowing that their freezer will end up stinking like fish for at least half a month.

Not wanting to dig too much into those bitter thoughts, he lets his feet wander around until he stumbles into the alcohol section and browses the various wines.

Suddenly all the bad vibes are forgotten when a smile finds it way to Makoto. He grabs a bottle of white wine and contemplates the well designed label it carries. His mind is already picturing his night out with Rin, wondering about the many different drinks they would share together and the bar that would witness his first time getting drunk in years.

Haruka manages to reunite with him after a while, bundles of wrapped mackerel in his bag. He notices the look in Makoto’s face and arches an eyebrow up at him. "What are you doing?"

"Just looking to see if there are any good drinks for sale," he mumbles, fingers running over his bottle of white wine. For a second his eyes hesitate, but he slowly looks back at his lover seeking for some sort of approval. "What about this one, Haru?"

"We rarely drink alcohol, Makoto," Haruka states, completely uninterested in the topic.

"I was just thinking," Makoto begins, pausing briefly to clear his throat. "Maybe we should try it once in awhile, you know? Just for fun."

"...Wine with mackerel does sound interesting," Haruka agrees. "But other than that, what would we use it for? It would just sit."

Makoto opens his mouth and tries to find the right words to explain himself. He wants to suggest some wine and a non-mackerel dinner together. Or having some wine on the couch, maybe drink too much, and have sex somewhere inconvenient — like the floor or against the wall — or maybe just drink wine for the sake of having a good time.

But Makoto knows Haruka, he knows him far too well. Haruka would rather eat mackerel with water, he would rather have a quiet evening and not get tipsy. Haruka would rather have sex in bed traditionally where he feels comfortable or maybe not have sex at all. With this thoughts in mind, Makoto closes his mouth and puts the wine in his own bag anyways. Without saying or adding anything else, he marches out the aisle just as he tries to run away from those destructive chain of thoughts.

Haruka watches him leave and he wonders if he said something wrong. His blue eyes land on the infinite selection of wine displayed in the shelving across him and he wonders if Makoto’s idea of a good time has changed recently. They have been together for four years together now and they have never bought wine before.

A serious look takes over Haruka’s face once he assumes that Makoto might just be trying to impress Rin.

*

It's close to eight o'clock when they are done having dinner and Makoto finds himself standing in front of his closet. A curious Haruka follows him upstairs, standing by the door with his arms folded across his chest. Haruka is dressed in a white button shirt and black pants while a black waist apron wraps his hips; ready for work. Arching an eyebrow, he observes Makoto pull out some casual dressy wear from his third drawer.  
  
First is the red flannel, then the whitewash blue jeans, and finally the sweater vest in warm colors. It seems that Makoto notices Haruka from the corner of his eye but, while he gets dressed into his newly planned outfit, he smiles not minding those blue eyes traveling down his bare back.

Once fully clothed, Makoto adjusts the collar of his flannel and faces his lover. "Do I look nice?"

Haruka strides over silently and folds Makoto's sleeves back until they reach his elbows. After brushing a hand over Makoto’s broad chest, Haruka looks up into his face and speaks. "I'm going to be late," he informs softly.   
  
Makoto sighs and looks into his lover’s eyes— those blue orbs tell him something else, but he is not in the mood for mind games tonight. In times like this, Makoto wishes that Haruka would rather tell him things directly instead of letting his eyes do the talking.

"Then we should get going." Makoto slides past Haruka. “I’m sorry you got caught working on your day off.”

“It’s whatever,” Haruka responds softly, following his lover down the stairs and out their place. They trot to their car and file in. Once Makoto starts the engine and hits the gas, he feels Haruka's eyes on him. It's a heavy feeling, something he isn’t used to and it leaves him feeling uncomfortable.   
  
They reach Haruka's little bakery, only to find it packed with people and illuminated with pretty lights. Makoto is captivated by the beauty and elegance of it and doesn’t realize that the sight makes him smile. "What's the occasion?"   
  
"The executive chef is having a birthday. He has lots of friends." Haruka sighs. "Means lots of work tonight."

"I'm sorry, love," Makoto says, and he means it. Unexpectedly, he feels a warm weight on his thigh that makes him look down. Makoto sees Haruka's small hand resting dangerously on his leg.   
  
"Maybe I could make them wait a little longer," he mutters but, before his fingers can slither up any higher, Makoto swoops it up into his own and kisses the back of them. He smiles sweetly at the man beside him, taking note of the surprised dissatisfaction behind his indifferent expression.

"I'm going to be late, Haru," Makoto says, and Haruka's eyes widen ever so slightly.

Then, before he knows it, Haruka is slamming the door shut and walking away and Makoto wonders if he hurts his partner’s feelings by not giving in this time. He remains quiet for a while, staring at the bakery while his thoughts float around Haruka a bit longer, until a defeated sigh leaves his lips. 

Once he leaves the parking lot and drives into the highway, he hears his cellphone ringing and and deftly answers it. "Hello?"

"Mako! It's Rin!"

"O-oh, Rin! Hold on, I'm on my way to pick you up."

"What? You are not picking me up tonight, idiot. Are you driving?"

Makoto frowns in confusion. "Oh, um... I am."

"Good, now listen carefully. I'm going to give you directions."

"Rin, I'm not that good of a multitasker—"

"Don't give me excuses, Tachibana. I've seen you drive with Ren and Ran in the car, I'm sure you can handle a simple phone call." Rin's voice is the epitome of challenge, and Makoto feels his muscles jump.

"You'd better not give me bad directions, Rin," he smiles.

"And you'd better pick up the pace. We agreed on eight o'clock and it's now seven forty-two."

 

*

  
Makoto reaches the bar minutes after eight o’clock, but when he arrives, he feels that he isn’t in the right place. The establishment he's parking at is modern and stylish, much like Rin himself but not like any place he'd been before. Hesitating, he grabs his phone and calls Rin just to be sure.

“You are in the right place, dumbass. I see your car!"

"But Rin, it's just so—" Makoto takes a deep breath and steps out of his car. His eyes dart through his surroundings and he can’t help but feel very inadequate. "Rin, there are sports cars in the parking lot!"

"So?" Rin questions as the wind blows harder against the receiver.

"I drive a Camry, Rin," Makoto whimpers pathetically as he weaves through the sharp-looking automobiles.

"And...?"

"Camrys are mom cars, Rin!"   
  
"Oh, c’mon," comes a voice somewhere to Makoto's left. “Nobody here gives a damn, Makoto.”   
  
Makoto looks around, his phone still pressed against his ear, and his lips curve in a smile when his eyes fall on Rin. “Ah, hey!”   
  
There he is, standing like he belongs right there next to that topless silver sports car to his side, holding his red phone in his hand and grinning back at him. “You took too long, I thought you got kidnapped or something.” Rin jokes.  “I was about to call the cops on you.”

“You make no sense,” But Makoto cannot stop himself from chuckling. “I thought that being a cop was something you did for living, Rin.”

Rin sticks his tongue out, his grin soon turning into a charming smile. “Oops.”

It is then when Makoto notices how Rin blends in with the scenery perfectly, clad in fitting purplish jeans faded and ripped at the knee, a white beanie, loose black v-neck sweater and some old high top converse. Rin looks exactly like he did in high school, and it makes Makoto ache for simpler times.

"Yo, you ready to get wasted off your ass?" Rin chuckles, almost vibrating in excitement.

"Please tell me you're kidding," Makoto says, tilting his head with a sunshine smile.   
  
"At least let me you get buzzed, Tachibana." Rin throws an arm over Makoto's shoulder effortlessly, though it's only slightly awkward since Makoto is about a few inches taller. There's a moment of laughter where Makoto doesn't know where to put his arm, so he settles for Rin's own shoulder, and they amble towards the bar. "Welcome to Bluebird’s Illusion!" the redhead barks, gesturing widely with his free arm to the establishment.

"Where did you find this place, Rin?" Makoto asks as they near the front door. People are filing in and he feels a bit nervous. They all are fitted in suits and cocktail dresses, with the occasional wild card like Rin and himself. 

"Old watering hole where Sousuke and I used to hang. We don't so much anymore, for obvious reasons." Rin takes the liberty of holding the door open for Makoto, taking him by surprise. He usually opens doors for Haruka, but it's a nice change.

"What kind of reasons?" Makoto asks as Rin follows him inside. They're met with a wide open space flooded with warm light. There is an entire floor of tables and booths in front of them, but Makoto can see the bar down at the end, to the left.

"Jobs, personal shit, work," Rin shrugs, and Makoto jumps at the hand that touches his back.

"Oh, sorry," Rin grins apologetically, "Old habit of mine."   
  
Makoto's arm is touched instead and Rin leads the way through the tables until they reach the part of the bar closest to the floor. They both end up taking a seat in a vacant booth. Once seated, Makoto feels overwhelmed. He doesn’t know where to look and can’t remember how to behave in a place like this. All the chattering, lights and excitement is something Makoto is having a hard time getting used to, reflecting on the nervous smile he carries on his lips as he looks around. "H-how fancy," he mumbles.   
  
"Inexpensive fancy," Rin adds. "Bluebird’s isn't so much famous for its wine-and-dine atmosphere as it is for their prices on drinks. Sousuke and I were dirt poor back in our college days, so we would come here to entertain ourselves the only way boys know how: alcohol."   
  
"There's so many people," Makoto observes.

"Wait an hour. People usually only come here to get stone drunk or have a quick meal before moving on to the club nearby."

"There's a club?" Makoto is positively beaming. 

Rin notices his friend’s excitement and surprises himself by finding that behavior kind of cute. "It's a loud place named Viktor's.” He explains, wanting to see Makoto’s excitement go wild. “People call it 'The Legend' of nightclubs."

"Is it?"   
  
"Easy, Mako. One step at the time," Rin chides playfully, nudging Makoto's broad shoulder. "You promised me drinks, now let's see how much you can handle."

"It's my first date all over again," Makoto smiles, as Rin beckons one of the bartenders over and orders a rum and cola for himself. Makoto asks for a simple beer, and despite the amount of guests at the bar, their drinks are delivered swiftly.

"Your first date was at a pool watching Haru float on his back." Rin lifts up his small glass. Makoto takes his beer bottle and does the same.

"Ah, I suppose that's true," he sighs, scratching his cheek.

"To round one!"

The sound of their toast doesn't travel too far.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for joining me in another chapter <3 
> 
> I am thinking of updating this story weekly instead of bi-weekly but I am not entirely sure yet. I am almost done writing chapter nine and I just... CANT wait to share everything with you guys!!! <3 I was scared of this story at first, thinking that it was going to be so hard to write or that maybe I wouldn't write it as fast as I wanted to but, so far, I am surprising myself with each chapter that I finish. I don't know right now, but I think this story will be around 15 chapters long... or maybe a little bit longer.
> 
> THANKS FOR ALL THE COMMENTS AND KUDOS!! <3 <3 <3
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	5. Don’t believe in everything you read

It was late and the lights in the bar were set low, creating a cozy and private feeling in the table they shared that night. The bar, which was once filled to the brim with people in elegant clothes and thick wallets, is now dwindling down to small restaurant size. Rin is right, Makoto thinks, and realizes how the bar feels more private now that there’s less chattering and people walking by.

Makoto and Rin are the only people on one end of the bar and their laughter fills the air surrounding them. Rin is still working on his glass of rum and cola, nearly finished, and Makoto is halfway through his pretty-looking beer; both intent on making their first round last as long as it can. Rin has launched into a spiel about how the old bartender has a knack for spreading superstitions about cheating men, which makes Makoto chuckle and shake his head side to side.

"What are these superstitions about?"

"He riddles old phrases and then basically tells you that men who cheat on their girlfriends are doomed to die in their dreams," Rin snorts, finishing off his rum and cola. The ice clatters around in the glass, so he shakes it a bit. "I think it's a bunch of shit."

Makoto chuckles again, taking a big sip of his beer right after. "Maybe he just wants to scare the boys who think about it."

"A warning coming from an old man won’t stop a them. Cheaters will always be cheaters.” Rin chirps, beckoning one of the younger bartenders over. He asks for glass and smacks his hand on the table once his attention goes back to his friend. "Alright, let's get something straight."

"Eh?" Makoto wonders, confusion evident in every corner of his face. Then, alarmed, his Adam's apple rise as he gulps. “I-I am not a cheater!”

“I am no longer talking about that old man, you stupid.” Rin rolls his eyes as the bartender quickly serves his drink. Makoto hurriedly asks for another beer before he leaves. 

“Oh…” Makoto begins. “Then, what do you mean?”

Rin points the glass in Makoto's direction, lifting up his finger for good measure. "Anything we say or do in this bar, stays in this bar. You got me?” There’s this dangerous smile now crossing Rin’s lips, and his words set warning signals off in Makoto's mind but his green eyes are not able to look away. “It doesn't matter what shit we talk about ourselves or other people, whatever it is, we're going to let it out in this bar and that's where it will stay. I swear to not tell any life-destroying secrets of yours and you swear to not tell any of mine. Right?"

Makoto regards Rin a moment, wide-eyed and unable to ignore the exciting feeling within him. Then, he nods. "I swear."

"Good." Rin smirks, lifting his drink to his lips. "Now we can have fun."

"I was already having fun," Makoto smiles.

"I mean real fun, Makoto. Even if I get you hammered enough to strip on the bar, I won't tell.” He then pauses and grins. “Well, I might let Nagisa know."

"Even if you decide to get me hammered," Makoto whimpers pitifully, "please let Nagisa be the last person you'd ever tell that to."

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Rin snickers. His eyes shift to some patrons across the bar. "...Maybe."

"Rin!" Makoto whines.

“Alright, I won’t tell him.” He tips back the glass and takes a sip of his rum and cola. “He'll probably get drunk off of cheap wine and forget about it the next day, anyway.”

Rin goes quiet, and Makoto joins his silence, rolling his beer around in his new bottle. The last time they saw Nagisa and Rei, Rei had graduated from college with a masters in science for something complicated and impressive and was offered a job somewhere in the USA by a foreign exchange student he befriended in his classes. 

Nagisa dropped out because nothing interested him except being a personal food taste tester for himself. Rei encouraged his decision, despite how not beautiful the job sounded, and he and Nagisa—having long since moved in together—soon boarded a plane and left Japan.

A few months later, Rin, Makoto, Sousuke, and Haruka got together in a Skype call with them and discovered they were engaged. Not even a whole three weeks went by before news of their wedding reached Japan, complete with a digital photo album and an hour long video that dazzled everyone—especially Rei and Nagisa's parents.

Makoto smiles at the memory. "Do you remember the wedding video?" he asks in a soft tone.

"No matter what anybody says, Nagisa is the biggest sap of them all." Rin swirls his rum and cola around in his glass. "Crying because he sneezed before the kiss, and then crying after the kiss because he thought he ruined Rei's tux."

"I think it was sweet," Makoto mumbles into the rim of his beer bottle. "Nagisa really had a dream wedding."

Rin grumbles a bit, chewing roughly on the ice in his mouth. His thumb rubs absentmindedly against his glass. "They did have a dream wedding.”

Makoto smiles to himself, a smile that slowly turns into a sad one once his thoughts take him to the man he calls his boyfriend. His mind wanders, playing with his hopes and messes with his memories. A dream wedding. Makoto wonders, why can’t he picture himself having one of those?

"Who do you think will propose first between the two of you?" Rin asks suddenly, eyes trained on the man sitting across the table and Makoto feels his shoulder tense once he is forced out of those bitter thoughts.

He glances over, taking note of how serious Rin's eyes are despite the purse of his lips against his glass. Makoto's mouth opens, and then closes, and then opens again, only to let out a resigned sigh. "Nothing leaves this bar, right?"

"Right," Rin affirms, though his head is tilting in mild concern.

"To be completely honest with you," Makoto mumbles, holding his beer with both hands, "I don't think Haru wants to get married."

"You've been together for four years," Rin says, and Makoto can hear the disappointment lacing his words. "Are you telling me he hasn't talked about it?"

"Not once," Makoto answers instantly.

"He tells you he loves you, though. Right?"

Makoto feels small and helpless under Rin's gaze, face twisting as he lets out a defeated, "No."

Rin turns his head, staring directly into Makoto's eyes. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I mean, I tell him I love him, on occasion. He doesn't really say it back so much as... nod, or make some sort of noise."

"What the fuck, Makoto?!" Rin growls. "Fucking Haru! I can't believe him! I mean, I know he was never one to waste words but now he's just being fucking stupid!"

“H-he’s not stupid,” Makoto defends. “I think he knows I know he cares, and that's all that really matters to him."

"It doesn't matter what he thinks," Rin hisses. "He can't just neglect you like that!"

"I don't feel neglected," Makoto says, but he doesn't feel bad about how he doesn't tell Rin he's wrong in his observation.

"Well then, when you pick him up, tell him you love him and fuck him in the car. Hard." Rin says. "Don't excuse him for being a shit."

"Haru… isn’t really into sex." It all comes out of Makoto’s mouth before he can even think about it and he regrets it right away. Shoot. 

“What do you mean, Makoto?” Rin arches an eyebrow in question.

Makoto bites his lower lip and tilts his beer. “I mean, we… we do have sex, but… it always has to be me who initiates it and Haru’s always in a hurry to finish.” He finds his green eyes glued to his drink, his insecurities growing with every second. “He doesn’t seem to enjoy it either. Sometimes it feel like he is… not attracted to me, or something.”

“Now you've got to be fucking with me!” Rin angrily throws back the rest of his rum and cola and yells out 'whiskey' to the nearest bartender. “There’s no way in hell he isn't attracted to you. I mean, c’mon. He’s your boyfriend, for fuck’s sake!”

"I… don’t know, Rin." Makoto’s eyes look sadder than before, tipping back his beer a little more than last time.

"Shit," Rin cusses. 

"W-what about you and Sousuke?" Makoto interrupts, forcing the conversation to take a different route and away from all his worries. Rin pauses and then looks away.

"...To be honest, I thought we would already be engaged by now." With a soft, melancholic voice, he speaks. His gaze wanders to a couple sitting somewhere down the bar and watches them smile happily while they hold hands over the table. A pang of sad jealousy lights up inside his ruby eyes. "Sousuke and I were once really, really... in love. But I guess it was just that ‘new relationship’ feeling."

"Oh, I’m… sorry," Makoto whispers, suddenly intrigued. “What makes you think that?”

Rin gulps down a bit of his whiskey. "Now, I don't think being engaged would be such a good idea."

"You do care about each other, don't you?"

"I'm pretty sure we do," Rin says. "But, we've just been butting heads a lot recently. And those long shifts... I'm starting to think he's letting Takashi off the hook because he doesn't want to come home and fight with me."

"I'm sure that's not it, Rin," Makoto reassures.

"You can't be sure." Fighting the sadness that plagued his heart, Rin closes his eyes tightly and takes a deep breath in. 

There’s a big pause between them, both men trying to ignore the bitter thoughts taking over their minds. Disappointment finds its way to Rin’s eyes, as he reminds himself that he whole point of this night out at the bar was to have fun and to escape reality at least for a while. Suddenly, Rin sighs. "You know what? Fuck Sousuke. Fuck Haru."

"Rin!" Makoto gasps.

"I mean," Rin interrupts, "just for tonight!”

Makoto bites his lower lip and listens.

“Forget about your problems with Haru and I'll forget about mine with Sousuke.” The red-head continues. “Tonight is just about us, alright? No holds barred. We do whatever the fuck we want." 

To do whatever he wants, to enjoy himself without remorse or limitations and have a taste of freedom is what Makoto is craving that night. Rin lifts up his glass, examining the brown drink inside. "With what we're going through, we deserve it. To Makoto and Rin."

Makoto watches Rin turn and hold out his glass for another toast. He feels a bit liberated when he echoes, "To Makoto and Rin."

Their glasses clink and, as Rin throws back the last of his whiskey, Makoto tips his head and downs his beer.

 

*

“You know, I always thought I was straight. But then, after my first year of high school, I wasn’t sure anymore.” Rin’s voice is now a perfect mask, hiding every worry behind a smile or a casual chuckle. 

Makoto looks at Rin, who's swirling his next whiskey around in his glass. “Oh, until high school?"

"I mean, I'm pretty sure I liked girls for the first twelve years of my life. Then, as I started getting into junior high and high school, guys just… became my thing." Rin glances at Makoto. “Locker rooms didn't help any either, I think they just made things worse. Do you know what I mean?"

They share a look, and then some laughs.

"I just regret not finding out sooner." Rin chuckles. "What about you? Always been about the rippling muscles and strong jaw lines?"

"I'm more for soft features," Makoto admits before taking a sip from his drink, "But yes, for as long as I can remember."

"I guess Haru is perfect, then.” Rin places both elbows on the table and his chin on interlaced fingers before adding a smirk on his lips. “Tell me, is he still all hot like he was in high school?"

Makoto looks back at Rin with an embarrassed look on his face, taking a second or two before answering. "Haru doesn't swim much anymore, or work out like the swim club required us to do," he reveals, "so he's lost his beach body."

"He's gone soft?" Rin snickers. "Are you alright with it?"

"Well I… um,” Makoto blushes, hiding his face in his hand as he speaks. “I miss looking at him and seeing hard muscle." 

"Hey, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Rin holds the corner of his own lips with his thumb and middle finger, trying so hard to keep himself from laughing at his best friend’s bad luck. “I don't know what I'd do if Sousuke stopped lifting, but I'd probably be stoked to be the best looking in the house."

Makoto glances at Rin from the corner of his eye. "You still work out?"

"Core and biceps are my favorite," Rin claims and Makoto can’t stop himself from biting his lower lip as his imagination flies away. Rin notices that and cracks a mischievous grin, his fingers wonder at the base of his shirt and pulls lightly at the fabric. "Hey, wanna see? I rock a pretty nice six pack, according to Sousuke."

Makoto almost choke on his drink. "Rin!" 

"Hey, I'm kidding! I’m kidding," But they both know that Rin wasn’t kidding at all.

Makoto’s vision was slightly blurred due to the alcohol running through his vein. He can already feel the alcohol swirling in his system and loosening him up in all the right places. "Hah, it’s kicking in." Putting down his cocktail, he sniffles.

"What? The alcohol?" It takes a second before Rin shares a dangerous smile with the other man. "Good. We're getting there."

"Aren't you feeling anything?" Makoto has a hard time keeping his head up.

"I hold my liquor incredibly well." Rin brags, "Which is the whole reason I was encouraging you to get hammered. Sousuke drove me here and I can drive you home."

"Rin, I shouldn't." Makoto says, shaking his head slowly. "I really shouldn't. I work tomorrow."

"Then call in sick. Your boss will never find out.” 

Makoto thinks about it for a second, trying hard not to fall into temptations. He looks up at Rin and wonders if he has already fallen into the devil’s hands. “I’ve never been a good liar, Rin.”

“Just get loose, Makoto." Rin gently nudges Makoto. The space between their arms closes ever so slightly, and Rin can feel the warmth from his companion's body spreading through his own skin. "When's the last time you drank anything other than coffee, tea, or those organic fruit smoothies from that smoothie place by the market? I've got you, don't worry."

A bit more confidently, Makoto smiles at Rin before tipping back his glass and empty it. There wasn't much left. When he sets it back down, his hand brushes Rin's— and their eyes meet in silence.

"Do you... want another cocktail?" Rin asks, and his eyes wander to where their fingers are gently touching. His body feels hotter than before. Rin's indeed tipsy.

Makoto hums. "Nah."

"Beer, maybe?"

"I want what you have."

"You sure?"

"Shouldn't, but I want to." Makoto mumbles, and Rin is amused how quickly the alcohol is getting to him. 

"A whiskey it is." Rin flags down the bartender and orders two. "Man. Has Haru ever seen you get drunk?"

Makoto shakes his head. "There was a party once. Nagisa, Rei, they..."

"Nagisa got to see you wasted? Do you remember if it was funny?"

"You're a terrible person," Makoto frowns petulantly, eyebrows dipping at the corners in a way that makes Rin smile.

"The perks of being the best friend." He throws an arm around Makoto and thanks the bartender when their drinks are delivered. Makoto grabs his glass of whiskey and instantly takes a sip."Hey, who knows, maybe if you get drunk, maybe—just maybe— I might take you to Viktor's."

"Blackmailing me when I'm drunk!" Makoto exclaims. "So much for being the good cop!"

Rin laughs at that but doesn’t deny it, either.

*

They aren't keeping good track of the time, but it's well into the night when Rin heaves a hearty sigh after taking the last sip from his whiskey. He's getting warm deep in his gut, and he’s already fighting the effects of his drinking. He is genuinely enjoying himself, locking all his worries at the very back of his head as the night goes by. Makoto is already pleasantly affected, busying himself with just watching Rin drink, having long since been banned from having any more at Rin's demand.

"Six," Makoto says with a dopey smile. "Six glasses of whiskey, Rin."

"What can I say? I am the king." Rin smirks to himself.

"Big title," Makoto hums, resting his arms on the table to pillow his head. "How do you feel, Rin?"

"I feel like I got a nice buzz. What about you?"

"I feel nice and warm, Rin." Makoto closes his eyes for a second, savoring no stresses or worries over his broad shoulders.

Those scarlet eyes find themselves glued on the man resting his head from across the table. Rin had never seen Makoto so relaxed before, and it was enticing. A strand of light brown hair lay across his forehead and Rin has to fight the urge to brush it away. “You ready to call it a night?"

Makoto opens his eyes by the end of Rin’s question and he shakes his head. "But you promised me you'd take me to Viktor's," He forces himself to sit up with a pout unconsciously forming on his lips. "I want to check it out, Rin."

"Alright, alright. And quit saying my name so much, idiot," Rin slurs, slipping off the booth gracefully. Makoto has a hard time standing up, frowning at his legs and looking like the gentlest bear to ever set foot in a bar. Rin reaches out and grips Makoto's shoulder, preventing the tallest male from tripping on his own foot. “Careful, Tachibana.”

After paying for their drinks, Rin maneuvers Makoto and himself out of the bar.

The dark sky is covered in stars and the city feels so alive in a way that Makoto's never experienced before. The cold air hits them just right, brushing Rin’s red bangs out of his eyes and stealing another of Makoto’s warm smiles. He stops to stretch. "Ah, feels good!"

Rin shoves his hands in his pockets and ambles backwards. "Viktor's is just next door.” He wonders if Makoto is even listening. “Watch your step and follow me, alright? And wipe that dopey smile off your face, will ya?"

But Makoto only grins wider, and there's a twinkle in his eye that Rin has never seen before. "Lead the way, officer!"

Rin turns and starts to walk, when suddenly he feels two large arms wrap around his shoulders. He grasps at them, yelping when what he knows is Makoto's firm chest presses against his shoulder blades. "Makoto! What are you—?!"

"I might get lost, Rin!" Makoto chirps, resting his forehead on Rin’s head. "I don't want to get lost. Tokyo's a big city!"

Rin doesn't protest too much and cracks up at how Makoto's now waddling nice and slow, forcing him to match his footsteps. "We're going to reach the club by tomorrow afternoon if you keep going so slow.” As they go, Rin feels himself relaxing into Makoto's embrace. He's a welcome brace for the cold wind. “You sure you're up for it?" 

"Mmm. Maybe you should drive us."

Rin knows he is a bit of a lovey drunk, at least, according to Sousuke's many stories. Makoto seems to be that type as well and then he smiles because, deep down, he knew he wouldn't want Makoto any other way.

"Sounds like a plan."

They waddle all the way back to Makoto's car, and they can’t stop laughing. Once they reach the black vehicle, Rin tries to detach himself from Makoto but he seems intent on not letting go. As he struggles with his friend’s grip, Rin ends up turning, slipping and hitting his back against the passenger side door, sandwiched between Makoto and the car. His breath is taken away by the proximity of their lips and electricity between them.

Rin can feel Makoto's breath all over his face, reeking of alcohol, but he doesn't complain because he's pleasantly buzzed and he's sure his breath doesn't smell like roses either. Makoto is a warm weight on his chest, around his stomach and against his pelvis. From the corner of his eye he can see Makoto's biceps bulge from under his flannel sleeves as he props himself upright against the car.

"Makoto—idiot! I need you to—to…!" Rin is captivated by the oblivious, idiotic grin on Makoto's face.

"I'm so excited to go to the club with you, Rin." Makoto whispers so dangerously that Rin could hear the alcohol in his voice.

Rin stares, and stares for a while, until his cheeks are covered with a translucent shade of pink that forces him to look away. “J-just get off me, idiot."

This is bad.

He doesn't realize how hard his heart is beating until they detangle themselves and Rin finds himself standing by the car. Rin is starting to suspect that maybe it isn’t a good idea to let his guard down when he is around a drunk Makoto Tachibana.

*

The nightclub is a rush of neon and cyberpunk aesthetics when Makoto and Rin arrive to the scene. The air feels hot, electric like a live wire and Rin is already swaying to the music as they both reach the bar area. Makoto can't take his eyes off the large mass of moving bodies on the dance floor; they are all dancing to the same beat, covered in sweat and alcohol,getting lost in whoever is their dance partner. Makoto smiles as he's assaulted by strobe lights and loud, pounding music. He can already feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

Makoto turns just in time to watch Rin throw down one shot, and then another. "Rin, we already drank!" Makoto laughs, and Rin is just close enough that he can still hear him over the music.

"I'm still blatantly sober," Rin says into Makoto's ear. "I need at least a more powerful buzz if I want to enjoy myself tonight." 

After that confession, Rin steps away to sway a bit more, his body moving like water to the music. Makoto is enraptured, completely hypnotized by the way those hips were moving. Rin sheds his sweater to reveal the black tank underneath and the shark tooth necklace that Makoto had no idea was there. 

The lights are intense, giving Rin a dangerously flattering aura, wine red eyes glowing fiercely as he ties the sweater around his waist. His hands card through his hair and land on his shoulders. He's backing away, and there's an exciting lure in his grin that catches Makoto like bait.

Makoto leaves the bar and meets Rin on the dance floor. They manage to move deeper through the crowd as they dance against each other. Rin is wild and captivating, so sensual and he is not even trying.

Rin have never seen Makoto dance before but he’ve heard he's an entirely different person when he's on the floor. As the song becomes a rhythm of beats that makes the crowd jump, Rin can't help but laugh when Makoto gets wild. That tranquil, dopey boy has transformed into a reckless man, confident, extroverted, and extremely graceful on his feet.

They dance at the rhythm of the night, jumping and feeling their senses heightened like never before. As the night goes by, the music slows down and everyone stops. Rin and Makoto are laughing together as the crowds awakes once again, forcing them to press against each other.

Rin feels the sensuality in Makoto's back and Makoto feels fire around Rin's waist. They both taste the sweat and electricity in the air and Rin can't remember a time where he's felt he fit so perfectly against another person's body. His mind is numb and that buzz he's been talking about hits him so suddenly he throws his head back and watches the lights flash overhead.

Makoto presses his forehead to the side of Rin's neck and lets a low moan out. The music is loud and quiet all at once, and he is so glad he's drunk and so out of his own limitations. Slowly, what once were hands on Rin's moving hips are now arms, and he's got Rin so close that they're barely even moving anymore.

He feels like playing with fire.

The music pounds heavily, almost shifting the very atmosphere, and then Makoto says something funny into Rin's neck that gets them both laughing like idiots in the middle of the dancefloor. Once the song reaches the last chorus, Makoto leaves Rin’s neck and meet with those crimson eyes under the neon lights.

Rin can feel his heart freaking out under those emerald eyes, getting lost on Makoto’s warm smile and paralyzed on his own feet when the song reaches its end.

They somehow manage to stumble back out into the open, both clinging to each other as they laugh about something else. It's only then, when Makoto and Rin are alone in the hallway leading to the restrooms, that Makoto feels the buzzing in his pocket. 

Rin is side-eyeing him as two women stumble along, hands going everywhere while they struggle to push themselves into the ladies room. Makoto slips his phone out and flips it open, going cold at the sight of the name that's calling him, and the time reading at the top of his screen. He presses the call button and lifts the speaker to his ear. "Haru—?"

"Makoto, where are you?" Haruka's voice is deep, slow, and very, very angry.

Makoto is suddenly sober, the sweat that has begun to drip down his neck is ice cold, and his adrenaline is rushing to his fingertips—not like it was when he was dancing with Rin, but in a whole other frightening sense. "Haru, we're, uh—"

"I texted you two hours ago that I was ready to be picked up. Where on earth did you leave your phone, since you obviously didn't get it?"

"I had my phone, I just didn't notice—" Makoto looks up. Rin is staring at him, concern written all over his pretty face.

"Please, Makoto," Haruka interrupts, sounding tired. "Just come get me." 

And, when he hangs up, Makoto’s heart goes cold.

He can’t tear his eyes from his cell phone screen, not noticing how his hands are already shaking. "It... was Haru."

"Did he not know we were going out tonight?" Rin asks, placing a hand on Makoto’s shoulders as he guides their steps out of the nightclub. He's sobering up, too, but he was considerably less drunk than Makoto when they got to the club, so it's a much faster process.

"He did, it's just—" Once outside, they breathe the fresh night air. The black Camry is not too far from the two men. "He texted me a long time ago to pick him up, and I—"

Rin unlocks the car and opens the driver's door. "You're not a child,” he frowns. “He doesn't need to give you some lecture because you're late to pick him up."

Makoto plops himself in the passenger seat and covers his face with both hands. "No, but I am his boyfriend, and as the only one with the car tonight it's my responsibility to help him out."

Rin starts the engine. "You know, he has Sousuke's number."

"But I'm who he expects."

Pulling out of the parking lot, Rin lets an annoyed sigh out and glares at the road. "Are you serious, Makoto? Haru's got such a huge stick up his ass about unfamiliar shit that once things stray from protocol he can't handle it!"

"Rin, please," Makoto pleads, massage his temple and fighting a headache. "I already have Haru to worry about right now."

"...You're right. I'm sorry. I know how that feels." Rin pauses. "I'm just saying, Haru needs to stop being so dependent on you." 

Their eyes meet once more at a red light and Makoto witnesses a hint of true worry inside those red-wine eyes. "You have a life to live, too."

And Makoto remains quiet, knowing full well that Rin means to be reassuring, but there's an unwelcome feeling bubbling deep in his gut when he realises Rin is too right for his own liking. It’s concerning, and Makoto begins to dread reaching the bakery.

They end up there sooner than later, and Makoto can feel himself shrink when he sees Haruka standing in the middle of the empty parking lot. The lights that were once so pretty and bright are turned out completely, and all the cars and people are gone. It's eerie, and Makoto thinks that he would rather receive a lecture from his father than pick up his boyfriend at this point.

Once Rin parks the car, they both step out of the car and walk toward the third man across the lot. Haruka stalks toward them and Rin follows Makoto's path, walking faster to meet Haruka halfway while Makoto lingers behind. "Yo, Haru, I know we're late, but—"

"Two hours late," Haruka enunciates, recoiling from Rin's presence. Blue eyes widening, he adds in disbelief, "Rin, you reek. Did you drive here drunk?"

"Hey, I'm not drunk," Rin claims and frowns. "That's why I was driving."

"But you're buzzed. I can tell. Both of you." Haruka turns his gaze on Makoto, who steps forward.

"Haru, I-I'm sorry,” Makoto’s lips are trembling. “I didn't have my phone high enough to hear your texts—"

"You look horrible!" Haruka's voice comes out rough, overflowed with disappointment and worry. Makoto is both hurt and taken aback, but he can only imagine how he looks and turns his ashamed eyes to the ground. "I understand that you want to go out and have a few drinks, but there must be a moment where you know enough is enough."

Haruka looks tired, exhausted.

"Haru, calm down," Rin drawls. "You act like you've never been to a college party in your life."

"That's just it, Rin. We're not in college anymore." Haruka glares, turning on him. "You're a working adult, now. We all are. We have jobs, lives, and other people that we need to be worrying about, instead of just wasting our time doing mindless little things that could get us into trouble. It's time you start acting your age for once."

Rin's face is twisted in confusion and his heart aches in pain. Those words feel like a punch in the throat, a disguised insult to everything that Rin is and has ever been. Slowly, his eyebrows fall and narrow, and his once fiery eyes are now burning hot like dark red coals. His mouth bends like a bow, and his lip curls. His teeth are sharp and white and Makoto can feel that pulsating hurt Rin always exudes when things just get too hot.

Not a sound leaves Rin's lips as he stares into Haruka's hard eyes. The accusatory glare is more than enough to show exactly how Haruka feels about him and what he's doing with and to Makoto. Just like Sousuke, to Haruka everything is his fault, nevermind that Makoto had wanted the night just as much as Rin did. But Makoto would never be the one to blame, it was always him who was screwing up.

"You know what?" Rin hisses quietly, muscles that were flexing in the open now relaxing some as he tosses the car keys at Haruka's feet. "Fuck you too, Haru!”

He gets no reaction from Haruka, instead, the silent male takes two steps forward and grabs the keys from the floor. 

"Rin," Makoto breathes, and Rin zeroes in on him with that hurt gaze. 

"Makoto," Haruka calls, already walking back to their black car.

Just like a loyal dog, Makoto turns his head toward his boyfriend after being called. He hesitates for a second, remaining still on the very same spot where he standing. Slowly, his eyes find their way back to Rin and something inside his heart burns. It doesn’t feel right, leaving Rin behind in this forgotten parking lot doesn’t feel right, especially when Rin is looking as betrayed as Makoto feels.

Their night wasn’t supposed to end like this.

"Oi, Haru, call me when you've finally got that stick out of your ass!" Rin hollers, looking at Makoto one more time before he turns on his heel and stomps away. Makoto takes a deep breath in and swirls around to follow Haruka back to the car.

Sitting cautiously in the passenger seat, Makoto watches Haruka in silence. The key is already inserted in the ignition, but Haruka doesn’t turn it and they both remain in silence as the seconds pass between them.

“Haru, please talk to me.” Makoto feels forced to speak. “I'm not letting you give me the silent treatment until we get home. I-I'm not your son."

"You're right. You're not my son. You're my significant other." Haruka whispers. "Two hours I waited, worried sick about you, when you're out letting Rin get you hammered, when you know you don't have a high tolerance, when you knew I had work—"

"I'm not the only person who can give you a ride home, Haru," Makoto says exasperatedly, turning to the window. He can only find Rin's words in his mouth, and he can't say he's regretting letting them out.

"But I trust you to be responsible, Makoto," Haruka replies softly. "I still hope you had fun."

There's no honesty behind his last statement, and Makoto can't stop staring at Haruka, wondering just where all this is coming from. He wants to know why Haruka seems so angry, but deep down he knows exactly why. Haruka starts the engine with an irritated look on his face, a look that Makoto catches by the corner of his eyes and suddenly he feels very angry himself.

His green eyes meet with Rin's pitiful face from across the lot and there’s something that bothers Makoto more than he can understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is what happens when you have a phone and you decide to ignore it C": Drama. DRAMA EVERYWHEREE!!
> 
> Oh, I want to mention something... um... I want to apologize on Makoto's behalf. By this, I want to focus specifically on the scene above where he's talking with Rin regarding his sex life (or lack of it). So... *spoiler alert* in my head, Haru is asexual and that's something that Makoto is not aware of. At least not yet. That's why he talks the way he does about the topic with Rin. He's not an insensitive bastard that would use something like this against the person he loves. I just wanted to bring this up before anything else.
> 
> ANYWAY~!!! HAPPY LATE THANKSGIVING!! <3 Thanks again for all your support, kudos and nice messages!! You guys rock my world!!! Alright, I hope to see you all on chapter 6!! <3 Love you all!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	6. Yes, I'm married but I've left my wife at home

Afterwards, the night feels colder to Rin as he stands alone under a street light. He watches the car drive out of the parking lot and into the city, taking away those memories of a good time and bringing back his unwanted fears and anxieties.   
  
He kicks at the pavement with his shoe and pulls his phone out of his pocket. The wind blows even harder as he dials Sousuke's number, and Rin hugs himself while trying to keep himself warm.    
  
"Rin. You ready for me to pick you up?"

"Yeah," Rin sighs.  
  
"…What's up?"

"Ah, just… some shit happened with Makoto and Haru.” He replies, eyes on the moon above his head. “They aren't on the best of terms with each other."   
  
"Makoto and Haru… got into an argument?" Sousuke asks, honest surprise in his voice as he speaks.

"Basically." And Rin scowls. "Ungh, I feel like shit. I kind of caused it."  
  
"Of course you did," Sousuke sighs, and although Rin can hear the compassion in his voice he really doesn't feel like joking about how he causes problems right now. He's still sensitive about the last time.

"Hey, I don't need your jokes.” Feeling far more vulnerable than he thinks is acceptable, Rin tries to calm himself down by taking a deep breath. “I need your car."

"Calm down, I'm coming."

 

*

  
When Sousuke picks him up from the bakery, Rin is back in his sweater. His hands are cold and his nose is just as red as his hair. He practically jumps into the car, turning the heater on to full blast and holding his hands as close as possible. Sousuke can smell the alcohol on Rin’s breath as the other curses the weather, but says nothing once they are road and gone.   
  
The small talk between Rin and Sousuke remains calm for the first two minutes, until the redhead begins narrating the events from not too long ago. Rin doesn't plan on telling him that he and Makoto ran off to a club, letting him know that they got hammered in their old bar is enough for tonight. 

"Wow," Sousuke says. "Nanase said that?"

"He did." Rin rubs his forearm. "Makoto looked so lost when we were yelling, it made me feel awful. I know he always used to hate it when we fought, back when we were kids…"

"It's not Tachibana I need to worry about," Sousuke tears his eyes from the road and focus all his attention on his partner, genuine concern reflected on those teal orbs. "Nanase didn't hurt you, did he?"

Those words make Rin's heart feel as warm as his flushing cheeks. “He didn’t, Sou,” he tries not to smile, fully aware of the seriousness of their current topic. "I doubt Makoto would let it escalate that far."

Sousuke keeps his eyes on Rin, who is now fiddling with his shark tooth necklace and rolling it around between his fingers. Once they reach a tolerable silence, he looks back to the road and keep driving.  
  
"Maybe I should call Haru,” Rin finds himself saying after one minute of silence. “Tell him I'm sorry for keeping Makoto so long."

"No," Sousuke’s voices comes out lower than intended. "Gathering from the few years Nanase and I have spent getting to know each other, he needed you to knock him down a peg."

Rin flinches on his spot and frowns. "That's not what I want. Listen, Sou—"  
  
"It's what he deserves, though." Stubbornly, Sousuke frowns as well.

"Sousuke," Rin barks, turning to stare at him. "See, this is why we don't talk! You focus on the wrong side of the conversation and if I let you know what you're doing then you act like I was on the wrong side the entire time!”    
  
Rin throws himself back against the passenger seat and crosses his arms against his chest, unable to keep himself from ranting. “This is just like last week—!"

"Oh my God, Rin, are you honestly going to bring that up again?” Sousuke growls, not even bothering to hide the exasperation in his voice. “We both fucked up. It happened and it's done."

Oh no, they were not done. The resentment still brewed and boiled inside Rin’s chest and he was not planning on giving in. He whirls around and jabs a finger into his own chest. "I didn't fuck up! That was not just me. Don't tell me you still think that's more my fault than yours."

"I'm not getting back into this with you." Sousuke tightened his grip on the steering wheel and sucks in a breath.  
  
Rin let's out a disbelieving scoff, and then pulls his legs up against his body. “This is exactly why we don't ever talk,” He turns so that his entire body is facing the window. “Because when things get too serious you never listen, just like that time when you injured your shoulder.”

"Jesus, Rin—!"

"Don't. I get it. I always manage to fuck things up. Just drive!"

The rest of the ride home is silent. Rin stews at the window by himself, something he finds himself doing way more often than he should, and tries to ignore the agony that is splitting his heart apart. Rin knows he is overreacting, he’s aware that lately he has been extra sensitive around Sousuke but he just can’t stop himself. He’s afraid, very afraid of the direction their relationship is taking. Rin feels the distance between them growing wider the more they fight and panic.

He doesn’t want to lose Sousuke, but he knows that by overreacting he is pushing him away.

Rin tries to stop his mind from rushing those thoughts inside his head, instead focusing on his conversations with Makoto in his car, their jokes at the bar, and how it felt to lose himself in that one moment in the club. He closes his eyes. His back is still warm where Makoto held him, and he still remembers what it feels like to have his breath on his face, and his nose against his neck.

Rin hugs himself tighter, trying desperately to preserve what little happiness he can gather from this disaster of a night.   
  
*   
  
When Makoto and Haruka arrive home, there is a thick silence brewing harshly between the two. Haruka stops by the stairs and watches Makoto ascend. Makoto can feel those ocean eyes on his back and secretly waits for Haruka to stop him. He wants to hear Haruka’s voice saying that he's sorry, that he is so used to having him around all the time, at his every beck and call, and things being a certain way. More than anything, Makoto wants to hear Haruka saying that he loves him, that he wants him and he needs him.

But Haruka remains silent, quiet, and the silence between them becomes unbearable. Makoto nearly destroys the door when he slams it before locking himself in their bathroom. He knew Haruka wouldn't talk about his feelings, that Haruka would rather stay in his comfort zone than risk himself trying something new. Makoto feels like a fool for expecting so much from his partner, but he knows Haruka well enough to know the limits and invisible boundaries in their relationship.

When Makoto jumps into the shower, he feels so tired and overwhelmed that he could cry. There are so many thoughts jumbled up inside Makoto's head, powerful emotions that make him feel dizzy. His mind begins replaying memories of Rin and their time together, of Haruka and this void growing inside his chest. Realizing Haruka doesn't want to even  _ think _ about having sex in this god forsaken shower, let alone get married—!

The water is hot and steams up the bathroom in no time. Makoto feels his buzz refusing to go away, forcing his eyes close as he pressed a hand against his aching forehead. His mind runs so fast and all these emotions are hitting him so vividly that he suddenly feels what seems like hands on his back.

He spins around and his voice echoes in an empty shower. “Haru…?” 

Makoto’s confusion grows with every heartbeat; his tired eyes scan the area around the shower as if trying to understand, when he feels those hands again. It is then that Makoto closes his eyes again and swears he can hear Rin's voice calling his name.

The tall man leans back against the freezing tile wall, his muscles jump at the contact, but he is too deep in his own world to even care. "Rin," he says, just to say it, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes as if to scrub the memory of Rin's face illuminated by those club lights off of his eyelids.

The memory of Rin's small hands—but still bigger than Haruka’s—burn like bracelets around his wrists. He remembers being close, so close to Rin at the parking lot that he could’ve reached out those pink lips with his tongue if he had wanted to taste them.

There are red flags going up as Makoto delves deeper into the memories of Rin from only a couple hours ago. Red flags that tell him to stop rewinding back to the club, blotting out all the people, and rewriting his actions with his current fantasies. He thinks of his hands over the expanse of Rin's hips—something he's never experienced, so there are certain feelings missing in this surreal fantasy—and pressing Rin's palms harder against Makoto's shoulder blades.

His hand slithers down to grab himself, and he's already so hard it burns to just touch. It's beyond hot in the shower, and Makoto can almost hear Rin praising the muscles in his back. He blushes, eyes fluttering open as if he can catch a glimpse of Rin in his twisted reality, before shutting them again.

The memory of Rin becomes Makoto’s fantasy and his mind takes an unpredictable turn when he imagines them both back in that narrow hallway. He's got Rin pressed up against the wall and there's so much touching that it's driving him crazy. He imagines Rin having Makoto taking his own shirt off, throwing it somewhere to disappears forever, and they kiss—lips he had never tasted before leave flames on his hot skin.

Makoto shudders against the tile of the shower, his free hand brushing over sensitive places by his collarbone, over his chest, across the planes of his stomach and lower—and he can see Rin doing it. He can picture Rin—fiery, wild-spirited, passionate, romantic Rin—touching him in all those wonderful places, whispering filthy things into his ear that Haruka would never dare to say, making noises that raise the hairs on the back of his neck and send blood straight to his groin.

He remembers Rin telling him he works out, and his mind instantly transforms the blank slate on Rin's body into a wonderland of hard muscle. He's lean but so gloriously cut that Makoto has to bite his lip to keep from groaning out loud. He imagines Rin's hands deftly undoing the zipper of his pants and going down, wet with water from the shower, sinking to his knees with his eyes still staring up at him. Rin smiles at him, a sweet smile that doesn't belong with what his mouth is about to do.

Makoto comes harder than he has in a long while, so hard he has to bite his free fist to hold in his moan. His eyes fly open and the fantasy is instantly gone, leaving him completely vulnerable under the now freezing water. Makoto’s buzz is no longer blurring his thoughts and now he feels like can no longer breathe. Shocked and speechless, Makoto can’t tear his eyes from his sticky hands.

"O-oh my God," Makoto pants, horrified, unable to believe what he had just done. His fantasies are still too new and fresh to be forgotten, and Makoto can’t erase them from the back of his head no matter how hard he tries.

He’s overwhelmed with all sort of emotions hitting him at once that he finally lets it happen and cries. He cries when he thinks of Haruka and their relationship; he cries for Rin and Sousuke's, for taking advantage of wonderful memories of his closest friend and twisting and manipulating them just so he could satisfy himself.

Makoto faces the realization that he had just betrayed Haruka for the first time in his life with bitter tears that leave him sobbing like a little child. He swears to himself that nobody will find out about this and pushes himself out of the shower. Makoto’s lips are almost numb, his fingertips are wrinkled like raisins but, as he dries himself with a towel, he stares at his reflection in the foggy mirror and wonders if it would hurt him to be selfish for the first time in his life.

*

 

The disruptive screech of the alarm clock was an unwelcome sound, knocking against Rin’s eardrums like impudent guests and ripping his peaceful veil of sleep away. He doesn't even have the strength to complain, only to cover his face with pillows and whine angrily. It is Sousuke who shuts it off, and the silence that follows is absolutely blissful. 

"I take it you're not going." Sousuke’s raspy voice echoes through the dark room and reaches the man lying on the other side of the bed.

"Keen observation," Rin groans hotly and Sousuke can tell right away that Rin is still mad at him for the night before.

He stays quiet for a while, standing now by the bed as he stares at his partner’s figure. Rin is so close to him, yet a hundred miles away from where his heart lays. A sudden melancholy hits Sousuke as tries to remember the last time he woke up with Rin in his arms. "Do... you want me to call in for you?"

"Do whatever you want," Rin growls.

More than three years together and Rin’s indifference still hurts him the same way. This tension between the two had been slowly building for months and Sousuke finds himself missing the old days dearly. Those days when Rin laughed, when they enjoyed each other’s company. Were those days truly gone? Was he really losing his best friend?

Sousuke has to hold himself back from crossing the invisible line that Rin has painted between the two. "I'll do whatever, then." He turns away to hide his pained expression and leaves the room.

After the door is shut, Rin uncovers his face and stares at the ceiling. The silence in the dark room is killing him, just like the loneliness he faces every time Sousuke walks away. He is victim of a strong headache but that is nothing in comparison with the pain of his broken heart. All he wants is to stop thinking at least for a while, so he closes his ruby eyes and falls asleep until ten thirty in the morning.

There's a knock on his front door, loud enough to wake him up and Rin lets out an annoyed groan when he has to leave the warm bed. He slithers down to the entryway, wrapped up in sheets like a blanket monster, feeling like he's about to die before he unlocks the door and swings it open. He's a master at hiding how close to vomiting he is when the sunlight hits his chest.

Haruka's face is the last thing he expects on his doorstep. "Rin."

"H-Haru?" Rin’s bed sheets fall to the floor.

"We need to talk.” There’s no greeting, not even a simple ‘Good morning’, just Haruka being Haruka and going straight to the point. “I'm coming in."

"What? H-hold on—!"

Things happen too fast. Haruka walks inside without a single trace of hesitation, shutting the door, and ushering Rin to the couch before anything else could be said or done. Rin can barely comprehend what’s going on but he doesn’t fail to notice the thermos under Haruka’s arm and a neatly wrapped bento in his hands.

"Why," Rin says, and it's not even a question.

"You’re hungover, Rin" Haruka responds in a soft tone, opening the thermos right after he sits next to him.

"Oh man," Rin mumbles and scratches the back of his head. Haruka makes no comment and hands Rin the thermos. The container feels warm against Rin’s touch, causing one of his eyebrows to raise as a good smell reaches his nose. "What is this?"

"Tea," Haruka says simply. "Drink. It will help."

Rin stares at the container for an instance and does as he is told. Gently, Haruka begins to unwrap the bento now resting on his lap. There’s something in the way Haruka moves, in the glances he shoots in Rin’s direction, that make it clear to the other that there’s something Haruka is wanting to say.

Then, after a moment of silence, Haruka speaks. "I came to apologize."

Rin looks back and Haruka and their eyes meet again. "The food is apology enough."

"No, it's not," Haruka insists.  "I had no right to get so mad at you. You guys were just having fun but I was just worried."

"To be honest with you, Haru," Rin begins after taking a sip of his tea. "I don't think I'm the one you should be apologizing to."

Haruka drops his eyes back to the unwrapped bento laying on his laps. Trying to disconnect himself from the conversation, and from any source of reason, he distracts himself by removing the lid and revealing the mackerel and rice he had prepared earlier that day. He grabs the hashi and picks up a slice of the fish, pushing it towards Rin's mouth when the other stops him.

"Did you care for Makoto like this, too?" It’s a simple question, but it is strong enough to make Haruka hesitate.

"He didn't want me to."

"Of course he did, you dumbass."

Haruka looks away, putting the bento and hashi down. "If he wanted me to he could just tell me instead of pouting at me."

"You yelled at him because he didn't pick up your texts, and then blew up at him while he was drunk and vulnerable," Rin explains, because it should be the most obvious thing in the world. "Wouldn't you be mad at you?

Haruka regards Rin a moment. "I wouldn't pout."

The redhead sighs, and throws himself back against the sofa. "Yeah, well, we both know you and Makoto are pretty shit at letting out your feelings."

Haruka’s mind takes him back to the night before; those two long hours where he waited in the parking lot. He witnessed each and every car leaving the parking lot, being by himself when all the pretty lights went out. He had been worried sick about Makoto, victim of the nagging feeling that he'd been forgotten.

His eyes move slowly back at Rin and realizes that, ever since yesterday, he’s been afraid of being replaced by Rin. Afraid, Haruka finds himself thinking that he can’t let this situation get any worse.

"I'll tell him I'm sorry," Haruka whispers to himself, loud enough for Rin to hear him out.

"Good." Rin downs the rest of his tea, unaware of the unwelcomed thoughts overwhelming the man sitting next to him. "If you just came to give me food and apologize then this is one lame ass morning."  
  
"I also wanted to go over plans for the movie date," Haruka quickly adds, and Rin hesitates. "Makoto wants me to go. I'm doing this for him as an apology, too."

"Two-part apologies," Rin snorts, "Haruka's specialty." He wants to add that he knows Haruka wouldn't ever be let off with just one, but then he feels that's a tad bit mean. "So, what did you have in mind?"

Haruka hands him the bento and hashi, and Rin makes himself more comfortable on the couch.

 

*

Simple plans, Rin is glad. He and Haruka have decided on dinner after the movie, with a whole half hour dedicated to wasting their pocket change on the arcade in the theatre before the showing. Rin is feeling immensely better after eating and drinking what Haruka recommended. His hangover is considerably less and he can move around without too much hassle.

Haruka left about an hour and a half ago when Rin letting the light in from the curtains by the kotatsu. He feels he and Haruka have properly reconciled, and so goes about the house with a lighter weight on his shoulders than before. A shower is what he needs, so he marches upstairs to the bathroom and jumps in.

The water is hot and wonderful and the steam is working like magic to help with the headache that had been plaguing him for the past few hours. He scrubs the shampoo through his hair as he goes over the plans once more in his head. Haruka seemed very eager to help out, and Rin suddenly feels a bit concerned.

He remembers the conversation he and Makoto had at the bar. Haruka isn't an overly sensitive person by far, but Rin can't help but feel that Makoto won't be satisfied with just an apology and a confirmation that the date still stands. What if Makoto doesn't even want to go?

He sighs. Makoto had sounded very happy about the whole thing before, so what would stop him from going now?

"Haru," Rin snorts. He then reprimands himself because it is definitely not his place to accuse such a thing. Haruka isn't his problem right now. He needs to worry about himself, about Sousuke… and their relationship, too.

Once out of the shower and clean, Rin heads to the bed and tidies it up. He proceeds to flop down onto it and get comfortable, staring up at the ceiling with his hair soaking wet against pillow. He suddenly can’t focus anymore, experiencing an unexpected warmth spreading through his lower body. His feeling a little in the mood, despite trying too hard to ignore it, and rubs his hands over his face with frustration. A disgruntled noise leaves his mouth. He doesn't really feel like talking to Sousuke, either, so there’s no way he’s getting any sort of relief from the other man.

Seeking distractions, Rin gets up and trots down the hall to make himself a sandwich.

Peanut butter and jelly is the best choice, so while he wraps a napkin around the bottom and begins to dig in, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. Fishing it out, he reads Kisumi's name on the caller ID and flips it open."Yo."

"Rin!" comes the tinkling voice. "Hi!"

"What do you want, Kisumi?"

"Haaah! So rude!" The little smile in his voice tells Rin he's not offended in the slightest. "Just calling to check up on you! Per Sousuke's orders, of course!"

"Sousuke called you?" Rin asks, angry that Sousuke didn't just call to check on him personally.

"Don't be jealous! He told me you were really not feeling up to chat with him this morning."

Jealous. That word isn’t strong enough to describe the way Rin really feels.

"I'm not jealous," Rin growled. "He is my boyfriend."  
  
"Enough about Sousuke! I want to talk about you!”  Rin could hear the excitement rising in Kisumi’s voice. “He said you and Mako got hammered last night, so tell me everything."  
  
Rin groans because, to be honest, Kisumi is not really someone he'd like Sousuke to be spilling his secrets to, despite their closeness. "It was nothing."   
  
"It's not nothing!” Kisumi huffs and Rin can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes. “Did Makoto get wasted? Was he funny?"

“Kisumi, seriously — !”

But then, more quietly, Kisumi asks, "Did he do anything crazy? Did he strip? He was hot, wasn't he?"

Rin’s breath hitches as he feels the hairs from the back of his head rising up. His mind, instantly, flashes memories from the night before. He tried to shake off his initial arousal as he remembered Makoto’s unintentional sexy smile under the neon lights. He blushes furiously and growls, "Stop that. Nothing happened."

"Oh, come on! He probably had his hands down your pants or something! Lucky bastard!"

"Kisumi!" Rin barks. "Did you forget that Makoto is dating Haru?"

"Still? But Haru is so boring," the man on the other end drawls. "I bet Haru only likes missionary."

Rin scoffs as Kisumi laughs into the phone. "Missionary is not a bad position.

"What, you like it? It's boring, Rin. You're boring."   
  
"Oh, shut up. You're a man whore," Rin backfires, and Kisumi makes a proud noise.

"I probably get more dick from cute guys at my bar in one night than you have this month from Sousuke. Don't play."

Rin’s frown fades away, replaced by a pair of sad eyes that can’t stay open for too long. He lets a sigh out and steps closer to the window where the sun shines brightly from above. "You're probably right," Rin responds, realizing he can’t remember when was the last time Sousuke had kissed his lips.

"O-Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rin, I'm sorry."

"I know, and I'm telling you that you're probably right."

"…Really?"

"I'm pretty sure Sousuke and I are taking a break from all that." Rin looks down at his hand and studies his sandwich.

"From what? Sex? Why?"

"We've been pissing each other off lately."

"I don't see how you can't just solve that with sex."

"Because, asswipe," Rin grumbles, "when someone you have to live with makes you legitimately angry, you don't really feel like sticking anything in them but your foot — or get anything stuck in you."

"Sheesh. What's got you guys so mad?"

_ Oh. _ Rin’s eyes go wide in realization of all the anger he had been holding until right now. He is getting angry at Sousuke while talking to Kisumi, and here he is spilling his guts. Though, Kisumi is Rin's current resource for talking, he feels his gut twist when he thinks about how Sousuke probably feels the same way. Perhaps even more so, since most of the available confidants are Rin's friends, and Sousuke and Kisumi knew each other before they knew Rin.

Then again, that's not Rin's fault. If Sousuke wanted to talk, Rin has made himself more than available multiple times, so that is not Rin’s problem to fix.

"Ah," he sighs. "He's been on me about how I overreact to situations. I do, I admit that, but I want him to talk to me about it. Sit me down and vent with and to me. If this is actually a problem, shouldn't he want to help me solve it?"

"That does sound like what a boyfriend should do…" Kisumi hums. "I wouldn't know, but I agree with you."

"You've been talking to him recently, haven't you? Has he mentioned anything about it? How he feels, anything?"

"…Well, to be honest, Rin… Sousuke doesn't really talk about you… at all."

"W-what?"

"This is the first time he's talked about you— or even actually said your name— in like, a long time. Ever since you got back from Australia and finished high school, he…"   
  
Kisumi’s confession leave Rin speechless, his heart twisting at what those words meant. It wasn't like a thousand hot needles or being plunged into freezing water. It is pain, pure and undefinable pain.

"That was, like, fourteen years ago," Rin says, keeping his voice louder than a whisper.

"Um. Right. It was. We... we talk, just. Not about you."

This heart jumps into conclusions and his mind runs wild. Suddenly, he feels invisible. His pain rapidly turns into anger with every breath he takes, giving him the strength to twist his face into a proper scowl.

"What are you guys talking about, then?" Rin wonders, beyond angry as he wonders if Sousuke would leave his ring at home if they were engaged or even married.

"C-can we not dwell on this? You're no doubt hungover still, let's talk about something else. Please?"

Rin stops, noticing that he is getting mad at Kisumi again thanks to one of Sousuke’s stupidities. He bites his tongue and counts to five backwards. He's more than willing to save his anger for when he gets a hold of Sousuke. "Sure," he spits.

"What are you doing right now?" Kisumi asks, tone taking on a lighter note.

"Eating."

"Anything in particular?"

"Peanut butter and jelly."

"I'd kill for one of those. It's dead as hell in this damn bar."

"At least you end up getting business. The box I run in Tokyo is in one of the most inconvenient areas, the only business I get is asshole pranksters and lost dogs."

"Is being a box cop still all it's cracked up to be?"  
  
"It's better than getting shot at and seeing people get shot," Rin sighs. The anger is subsiding, It's still there, but it is all waiting for Sousuke’s sorry ass. Rin finds himself walking around the living room and dropping himself into the black couch. It is then when he pays attention to the feeling between his legs, that tingling on his member that wouldn’t go away. Damn, he's still horny. "…Oi, Kisumi. What are the guys like over there?"  
  
"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are they hot? Tall? Muscular?"

"Why, are you looking to date?" There's a laugh in Kisumi's voice and Rin growls after rubbing his hand across his face.

"Just... tell me about the last guy you were with, will ya?"  
  
"Gross. If you're looking for some stimulation to beat your meat you need to find someone else. I'm not going to enable you, you sinner."

"Kisumi!" Rin shouts, sounding thoroughly scandalized.

"Fine! I'm only doing this because you told me you weren't getting any." Rin hears Kisumi fiddling with his phone as he waits. "I took a picture of him before we hooked up. His name is Minoru, and I'm actually really sure we had some chemistry. He even gave me his number and told me to call him sometime."

"What about his body?"

"Ugh, Rin! This could be serious! If I ever do start gathering boyfriends, I'm telling Sousuke to remind me never to let you meet them. Aha!" Kisumi lets out a little dreamy sigh, then promptly snorts. "He actually looks just like Makoto. Maybe that's telling me something?"

Rin makes a disgusted face. "Kisumi, I don't want to get off to a guy who looks like my best friend. That's weird."   
  
"What? Why? How is that even remotely close to being strange?"

"Because I talk to Makoto regularly.” Rin’s eyes dart back down to the bulge in his pants.  “How am I going to get past how I basically fantasized about his body when we meet up?"

"I've done it before. It's no big deal. It was really hot, actually."

"For you, maybe, but I actually have a conscience."

"Well, you asked for a guy, and I gave you one. Beggars can't be choosers!"

Rin groans with embarrassment; his half eaten sandwich forgotten on top of the kotatsu. He knows that Kisumi is just trying to help but his horniness isn’t going anywhere.

"If you're too stubborn to ask for it from Sousuke then there really is no other option. Besides, what's so bad about fantasizing about Makoto? He's the perfect fantasy, right?"

"The perfect man," Rin corrects, and then he freezes.

Both Kisumi and Rin remain quiet for a brief moment as the shock races through their faces. 

"…I won't tell, I promise."   
  
"Ah— I'll talk to you later."

"Hanging up on me now?" Kisumi whines. "Wow! You only used me as porn material! Worst Friend of the Year Award goes to Rin!"

"You called me while I was grumpy and still mildly hungover. Now we're even," Rin says, recovering a bit from his remark.

"Don't go coining phrases from Sousuke on me! Mildly hungover my ass—"  
  
"Later," Rin chimes, and as Kisumi starts to wail he hangs up.

He tosses his phone onto the kotatsu and covers his face in embarrassment while his elbows rest on his knees. He feels the mute rays of the morning sun on his legs and the chill of the day raising the hairs on his arms.  _ Perfect man _ ? What is he thinking?

"Makoto," Rin whispers and a warm feeling pools in his stomach when he says that name. He begins rubbing his left eye with the back of his hand.   
  
There's that image again, but instead of Makoto smiling under the neon lights, he's just sitting quietly on the couch next to Rin. He pictures Makoto with a book in hand and black-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. Rin will never say it out loud, but he always feel his knees go weak whenever Makoto wears them around him— however rare the occasion might be.

He feels his member getting harder. Rin squeezes his eyes shut even tighter, groaning. He's doing this. He's about to get off to his best friend, who he has a movie double date with in just a few weeks and, for some reason, Rin doesn't feel too bad about it. He relaxes his shoulders against the couch and slips his hand under his sweatpants. Yeah,  _ he's weak _ .

That image of Makoto takes a turn. He's divesting himself of his T-shirt, and Rin wants to sob at the sight of his body because he's been told Makoto does work out and those who like the feeling usually do it often. A quiet, strangled cry leaves his mouth when he imagines Makoto crawling on top of him, giving him that signature sunshine smile as he quickly slips off his glasses and leans down to press a kiss to Rin's collarbone.

Now laying flat on the couch, Rin arches into the imaginary touch. The hem of his shirt rides up, and he imagines Makoto's large hands there, stroking and slipping up higher and making Rin curve like a bow around his fingers, head falling to the side and up while he lets out a pitiful mewl. Makoto's not-there lips move to take over his exposed neck, leaving tingling not-kisses and laving his tongue across the skin. Maybe he leaves a bite or two, and just imagining the feeling makes Rin choke out a sob.

He's getting close, and so not-Makoto dips his hand below the band at the small of his back. His not-there fingers only have to graze along the gentle dip below the small of his back, just once, before Rin is coming in his sweats like some goddamn teenager.  
  
"Jesus, I am weak," Rin blubbers. But that tingly after feeling is settling into his bones, and despite the uncomfortable stickiness of his hand he doesn't regret anything.  
  
Rin sighs, and his body is trembling and content. "So weak."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of you only know the story until this here, well... depending on how much feedback I get on this chapter, I might release chapter 7 next week instead of waiting two weeks to do so ;)
> 
> Again, thanks for all the kudos and comments left so far. You guys are my motivation :'D <3
> 
> Lately I haven't been feeling good so I am writing more slowly than usual but I am sooo glad that I am 5 chapters ahead from this update. Hopefully I will feel better soon and I will continue with my good rhythm. I am about to start chapter 13 and it all looks like this story will end in chapter 15. So close, so cloooose!!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	7. A little white lie never hurt anyone

 

Makoto blinks his eyes open at the sound of the front door being unlocked and pushed open. He wakes up and immediately jolts upright, finally aware that he fell asleep on the couch the entire night. He runs a hand through his messy hair and, when he feels his head spin, Makoto realizes just how hungover he is.  
  
“Ah, gosh…!” Makoto cries as he holds his head in his hands and squeezes his eyes shut. He feels like he is going to throw up, so he stumbles across the living room into his bathroom and retches over the toilet bowl.

Makoto’s uncontrollable coughs continue as he vomits, again. He empties his stomach for about two minutes and has tears in his eyes from coughing. He feels like crying, so vulnerable and sick, thinking that getting drunk doesn’t sound as appealing as it did the night before.

“Makoto?” He hears Haruka’s voice breaking his sour silence from the other side of the door and Makoto freezes on his spot. “Are you alright?”

That was a silly question, Makoto thinks as he holds his stomach with one hand and covers his mouth with the other. It takes him a second or two to find his voice under a sore throat. “I’m fine,” And that’s the biggest lie he has ever told. “I’ll… be out in a second.”   
  
He blinks at himself, realizing that Haruka is talking to him after a night of cold silence and distant glances. He wonders if Haruka isn’t mad at him anymore, or if he is just moving on and leaving their wounds wide open.

Flushing the toilet, Makoto fights his legs and finds the strength to stand up. He walks toward the door, pauses, and pushes it open. Instantly, he meets a pair of ocean eyes staring back at him. Haruka is standing right in front of him with a glass of water in hand, fighting a losing battle against the evident concern written on his face. They stare at each other for a while because there are so many things they both want to say but nothing feels right. Yet, between the two of them, Haruka is the bravest and takes a step forward.  
  
“You should drink this. You're probably dehydrated,” Haruka, cautiously, hands Makoto the glass of water. “It'll make you feel better.”   
  
“O-oh, thanks,” Makoto croaks, his throat sore from coughing.

Makoto takes the glass and holds it to his mouth, drinking small sips of water at a time. He could feel Haruka’s eyes not leaving his face, waiting in silence for the results of his own advice. There’s still some tension in the air between them and, when Makoto finishes his glass of water, he looks back at Haruka just to realize that he now has a hard time keeping his eyes up.   
  
“Have you eaten anything yet?” Haruka asks and Makoto bites his lower lip before shaking his head.   
  
“I just woke up.”   
  
“Then, you should… go and lay down in bed,” Haruka offers. “I’ll bring you something light to eat in a few.”  
  
Even if he tries, Makoto can’t find the right words to describe how warm his heart feels when he hears Haruka’s his genuine worry seeping into his voice. Yesterday had been the very first night they didn’t sleep in the same bed, both too mad with the other to even share a mattress or kiss goodnight. Makoto feels glad that, at least today, Haruka is making an effort to reduce the distance between them and mend the cracks in their relationship.

He accepts Haruka’s offer with a single nod and excuses himself, walking past his significant other and climbing up the stairs. Once he gets to the second floor, his eyes fall on the bathroom all the way down the hall. Makoto let his feet come to a halt and images of last night’s fantasies come to back to life. A shiver runs down his spine and he feels cold and hot at the same time.

_Rin._

All those warm feelings go away and are replaced by a strong sense of guilt pushing him to look away. He had hit two birds with one stone, betraying Haruka and Rin for a minute of wild fantasies and guilty pleasures.

Makoto covers his mouth once more, fighting the new wave of nausea now taking over his body. What would Haruka think if he ever finds out?

“What are you doing?” Haruka’s voice echoes from the stairs and Makoto’s soul nearly jumps out of his chest.

“I-I’m sorry!”

And just as Haruka reaches the second floor with a bowl in hands, he stops and stares at Makoto as if trying to comprehend the meaning behind that sudden apology. His blue eyes reflect the hope his face is trying to hide. “Makoto?”

Makoto is trying to even out his breathing as he realizes what he just said, looking like he just saw a ghost. He knows that he can’t keep secrets with Haruka around, fully aware of how his conscience works. “I mean,” He bites his tongue and then continues. “I'm sorry for last night and making you worry.”

It is Haruka’s turn to remain quiet, his wound maybe too fresh to be forgotten. With Makoto’s words he greets those uneasy feelings that overwhelmed him the night before. The fear of being forgotten and replaced, feeling like he doesn't matter, especially after Makoto had rejected his very rare advances before dropping him at the bakery.

Slowly, as Makoto turns to face him, Haruka manages to push those unreasonable fears aside and looks into his partner’s eyes. “Get in bed,” he insists. “Let’s continue this conversation in our room.”

*

Their bedroom feels cold. There is something out of place, something that Makoto can’t name, and it’s driving him crazy. They are both being really careful around each other, always aware of the words that could set the other off. Makoto is sitting in bed with his back against the headboard while Haruka sits himself on a chair next to him.

Makoto stares at his bowl of mackerel soup and feels like he had taken two steps backwards. Certainly, mackerel soup isn’t something he feels like eating when he feels like throwing up. Haruka has his eyes on Makoto but his mind is somewhere else and he misses the unpleasant looks Makoto is giving to the bowl of soup still untouched on his lap.

Haruka struggles to find a way of talking that could express even a fragment of the million things he is feeling and the things he wants to say. As Makoto picks his spoon and starts eating his soup, Haruka forces the first words out.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you last night,” Haruka begins, feeling a strong sense of liberation running through his soul. “I overreacted.”

The surprise is noticeable in Makoto’s eyes when he looks back at Haruka and for a second he forgets that he still has a spoon in his mouth. Slowly, he swallows his food and looks down to his lap. His eyebrows knit together, puckered lips pressed together as he feels the guilt rising through his throat. Makoto knows how hard is for Haruka to express himself, even to apologize for something that wasn’t entirely his fault and he feels moved by how hard Haruka is trying to make up for his past mistakes. It all reduces Makoto to a puddle of feelings and regrets.

“You didn’t overreacted, Haru. I made you wait for two hours,” Makoto insists. “I would also be mad at me if I was you, too.”

“But I said awful things to you and Rin.”

“It’s.... nothing serious,” Makoto’s chest feels heavy, knowing that he doesn’t deserve Haruka’s apologies after what happened within the bathroom walls last night. He feels disgusting, embarrassed, and Makoto faces his own guilt when his eyes meet Haruka’s. “Please, forgive me.”

Such an ambiguous apology catches Haruka off guard, unaware that Makoto was apologizing for more than missing his calls the night before. They sit in silence once more, a silence heavier than before.   
  
Haruka is intrigued by the uneasiness he spots in Makoto’s eyes, something that manages to alarm him slightly. But why would Makoto look at him in such way? Full of regret and sadness, as if there was no turn around. Haruka finds he doesn’t like the way that look takes over Makoto’s face and pressure himself to break their eye contact and look away.

Suffocated in their silence, Haruka opens his mouth and breaks it. “I spoke with Rin today.”

“With Rin?” Makoto inquires, clearing his throat before speaking again. “Over the phone or…?”

“I went to see him. I needed to apologize to him, too.”

Makoto plays with the idea of Haruka visiting Rin for a second, rubbing his upper lip against the lower one in thought. Suddenly he can’t help but wonder about Rin and feels intrigued by the idea of how their conversation went. “How is… Rin doing?”

Haruka is hesitant to answer, suddenly a little wary around Makoto’s interest towards Rin. He tries not to think too much about it and begins scratching his arm for no reason. “He’s hungover, but not as bad as you,” his eyes jump back to meet with Makoto’s and continues. “We went over the plans for the movie date, too.”

Makoto’s interest over Rin dies right when those last words are spoken and he can’t control the trembling smile that took over his lips. “What about the movie night, Haru?”

The tone hidden between Makoto’s words is enough to let Haruka know that this conversation isn’t heading in the direction it was intended. “Well, you mentioned a couple weeks ago that you guys wanted to organize a movie night with the four of us and I thought—"

Makoto lets out a semi-forced chuckle and shakes his head. “It’s alright, Haru. You don’t have to do this for me,” Pressing a hand against his forehead, he closes his eyes and lets a sigh out. “You already told me didn’t want to go.”

“I said I didn’t want to lie to the executive chef and call in sick,”  Haruka tries not to let him know how his negative reaction is affecting him. “That’s why Rin and I moved the date to somewhere during the week instead.”

“Haru, I appreciate what you are doing but you don’t have to go if you are not into it.”

“But I want to.”

“Haru—”

Haruka is starting to feel irritated at Makoto and it shows in the way he frowns. After all these plans, all these things Makoto had been planning with Rin lately without including him, Haruka feels like he really needs to take part on this movie date. He’s hurt now that Makoto’s taking back what he said before and doesn't particularly care if Haruka comes. “You always ask me to do more with you and Rin, why don't you want me to go now?”  
  
“Because you’re clearly changing your mind because we got into a fight yesterday,” Makoto tries to keep his tone even, but the frustration comes out in his voice. “I don’t want you to go if you’re going to be complaining about it later.”

 _Complaining._ Haruka’s heart aches, hurt by how wrong and inaccurate Makoto’s thoughts about him were. Sure, there was some truth in Makoto’s words— he changed his mind about the movie night right after their fight— but there’s nothing wrong on wanting to spend more time with the person you love. But maybe he just wants to go because he wants to be included, to be part of something exciting, because he doesn’t want to be pushed aside and forgotten, just like he was when Makoto was supposed to pick him up and left him waiting.

Haruka closes his eyes and stands up feeling already irked by Makoto’s lack of tact. “Fine, do whatever you want," He makes his way to the other side of the bed and grabs his folded uniform before walking out the door. “Don’t do anything reckless while I am gone.”

And, as the door slams shut, Makoto hides his face behind his hand and lets a long frustrated sigh out. They were not supposed to fight again, they were supposed to apologize and move forward. Makoto knows this is his fault and he can barely deal with a new wave of guilt crashing down against his pain.

Haruka wanted to take part of the movie date after rejecting him the first time and Makoto had been so afraid of the real reason behind Haruka’s change of mind. He was afraid of Haruka’s pity, of the sudden change of plans caused by the fight from the day before. Maybe he didn’t voice his concerns correctly, maybe he did wrong by assuming where Haruka’s actions were coming from, but what’s done is done.

*

Rin is tired of shifting and turning on their bed, of feeling like he’s flying a parachute around their empty apartment, of trying to find the remainings of a broken relationship between memories and old pictures. Sousuke was supposed to be back from work around three in the afternoon, but Rin gave up on waiting by five sixteen.

He’s lost in thoughts about the two of them and he realizes he doesn’t regret any of those special moments he shared with Sousuke or giving himself entirely to a relationship that was now his source of sorrow.

Right after six-thirty in the afternoon, Rin hears his cellphone ringing from kotatsu where he left it. When he enters to the living room and checks his phone, his heart skips a beat when he sees Sousuke’s phone flashing in the screen. He has been waiting for this moment the entire day and yet, he doesn’t know if he’s ready to answer or not. He answers after fourth ring.

Rin is quiet for the first two seconds but a frown finds its way across his face when he hears a distant chatter from the other side of the line. “Oh, so you’re still alive”

“Sadly yes, Rin,” He hears him say and Rin is unpleased by how nonchalant Sousuke’s voice sounds. “Are you feeling any better?”

Rin’s expression tightens, hardens considerably, and he scoffs. “Where the hell have you been, Sousuke? Don’t you get off by three?” He’s already reaching the limit of his patience. “Do I need to attach a GPS to your fucking forehead so you can find your way back home?”

A frustrated sigh leaving Sousuke’s mouth. “Why are you so mad all of a sudden?”

“Because I haven’t heard a thing from you this whole damn day.”

“Ok, well, I’m sorry,” Even over the phone, Rin could tell that Sousuke is rolling his eyes on him. “I was asked to cover Takashi’s shift again and things got a bit busy on my end.”

 _That_ excuse. The same one that he had been using for months now. The excuse that could have worked for somebody else but not with him anymore. “I work in the same industry, Sousuke. You stopped fooling me by your third try,” His jaw was clenching painfully in an effort to control his voice, trying to hide the vulnerability of his heart. “Are you using this ‘Takashi’ guy as an excuse to avoid spending time with me?”   
  
“Rin—”

“Or, hold on,” Rin’s quick to let out a sarcastic laugh. “Maybe you’re messing around with some other guy because, you know, he thinks you’re still single.”

“Where the hell is this coming from, Rin?”  
  
“I spoke with Kisumi this morning, thanks to you. I heard you never talk about me around any of your friends and, as far as I am concerned, they all might not even know that I exist!”

“Oh my god. Are you serious right now? Are you mad at me because I don’t talk about you with my friends?” Rin could hear the disbelief in Sousuke’s voice as he kept going. “Some of us like to keep our personal lives _personal_ , Rin.”   
  
“Listen, I don’t expect you to be talking about me every fucking second of your life, but what you’re doing is unbelievable!” Rin hisses through clenched teeth, ignoring how tight his throat feels after Sousuke went along with the accusations. Sousuke didn’t even deny them. “I am your boyfriend, Sousuke! I deserve at least some fucking credit, damn it!”

Rin feels his eyes starting to water when Sousuke decides to remain quiet for ten seconds straight. Right then, more than ever, Rin needs Sousuke to say something before he can’t move on anymore. He feels so small, so vulnerable and broken. So insignificant. Does Sousuke even care about their relationship anymore?

“I have to go.” Sousuke intends to break their silence with those words, but he breaks Rin’s heart instead.

Fresh tears well up in Rin’s cheeks, leaving invisible scars on their way down his flushed cheeks. There's no illusion anymore and Rin can finally see Sousuke’s true colors. He feels cold, colder than ice. Colder than he never thought it could be possible.  
  
“Yeah, you have to go.” Rin sobs silently, afraid of their relationship’s future. Sousuke’s not quite how Rin thought he would be and not the person he thought he knew. Rin can’t save this relationship when all Sousuke offers is silence. He can’t help if Sousuke doesn’t speak. “I don’t want to hear your voice anymore.”

“R-Rin…?”

_Is this relationship worth one more try?_

“Don’t come back tonight. H-hell, don’t even come back this week!” And Rin hangs up before he even gets a chance to regret the words he said. He tosses his phone and it bounces off the edge of the sofa. His two hands go up and cover his face as he cries even harder now that he is left alone with his thoughts and overflowing sadness.

Rin swallows hard and closes his eyes, struggling to keep his breath even. He falls on his knees, and starts shaking uncontrollably. He know there’s no use fooling himself thinking things were going to be fine between him and Sousuke.

He is ready to let his heart get surrounded by darkness, when there’s a knock on his front door that disrupts his misery. _Not now_ , he thinks as he uncovers his face and cleans up his tears with the back of his hand. He is not in the right mood to deal with one of his annoying neighbors, knowing they would only to make a complaint and annoy the crap out of him.   
  
Rin finally stands up and answers the door, meeting with Makoto and a bottle of white wine right at his doorstep. “M-Mako…?”

Makoto is quick to notice the traces of fresh tears on Rin’s face, the vulnerability and lack of life in those crimson eyes, and his smile disappears into thin air. There’s no need for words to sense all the sadness surrounding his best friend and Makoto takes two step forward before pulling Rin into a comforting embrace. Rin hugs him back, letting himself fall into Makoto’s arms, unable to hold back his tears for too long.  
  
Makoto strokes Rin’s back and whispers in his ear. “Bad day, huh?”   
  
“The worst.” Rin responds, hidding his face against Makoto’s neck.  
  
“Mine too.” Makoto lets a silent chuckle out. “I messed things up with Haru.”

“Sousuke’s pissing me off.”

"Do you want to talk about it over a glass of wine?”

“Please.”

 

*

 

They are both laying on the floor of the living room, staring up at the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing in the entire apartment. The wine bottle sits half-way empty between the two men, but their glasses are almost full and barely any alcohol flows through their veins.   
  
The silence isn’t bad or even uncomfortable; their minds are too full of other thoughts to even mind it. Rin ends up rolling to his side first, propping his head on his hand, betrayal in his eyes and a pout on his lips. Makoto notices the movement by the corner of his eyes and turns his head around to meet with Rin’s face. A soft look passes over Makoto's face and lets a worry smile take over his lips.

“So what happened this time?” Makoto asks, not missing how Rin's fingers tighten reflexively as he fights back the burning sensation in his chest.

“I found out that Sousuke doesn’t talk about me with his friends,” Rin finally speaks up in a timid voice unsuited to him. 

They share a couple of seconds in silence before Makoto asks. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Exactly what I said,” Rin sits himself up and runs a hand through his hair. “I heard it from Kisumi and, when I asked Sousuke about it, he didn’t deny it. It feels like he’s trying to keep our relationship a secret or like if he wants to keep a thick line between me and his life.”

“Oh. I’m… sorry.”

“I never thought about it until today, but I don’t really know any of Sousuke’s friends. I probably sound so fucking clingy, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't think I'm worth introducing to others.” Rin brings the glass of wine to his lips and takes a long sip before growling at his own frustrations. “Just what the hell is his problem? Is he embarrassed by me or something?!”

“I am sure Sousuke doesn’t feel that way, Rin,” Makoto assures, sitting up next to the other. He grabs his own glass from the floor and stares at the wine, pensive, slowly trailing his fingers over the rim. “At least you know he has friends. I am not even sure if Haru has any because he never talks about anything that isn’t food or work.”

Rin is half-way through his glass of wine when he can’t take his eyes away from Makoto, intrigued by the words coming out from those lips. This was something unusual, Makoto openly complaining about Haruka.

“I bet that with Sousuke everyday is different, but with Haru I am trapped in a life of routines, sameness and monotony.” With every word, Makoto’s face became more serious. “Every day is just like the one before. I know there’s going to be mackerel for breakfast and dinner, I know Haru will complain about his executive chef as soon as I pick him up from work and that I will probably have to beg to have sex with him. My life is a constant loop, a boring show that isn’t exciting at all.” 

Makoto was quick to cover his face behind his hands in an attempt to hide how affected he was. “I envy you, Rin. You live the way you like, you do whatever you wanna do,” he finally admits out loud. “I want excitement in my life, to know how it feels to live dangerously.”

There are so many things coming out at once and Rin doesn’t even know what to do with all this information. It’s been long since he finished his glass of wine but he still holds it up against his lips. Rin can’t stop himself from staring, so interested because this is the first time he had ever seen Makoto like this. So vulnerable and honest, yet so innocent and curious that everything about him becomes alluring. Suddenly, Rin can’t stop himself from licking his lower lip. His mind replays his fantasy from the day before and he’s too weak to resist temptations, especially if the source of his sins is sitting right next to him. He is not sure if it’s the alcohol or the atmosphere between the two, but Rin’s now crawling toward Makoto with an uncontrollable urge to get a taste of danger as well.

He places his hand on Makoto’s shoulder and watches how he uncovers his face. Their eyes meet and Makoto's breath is caught in his throat. Time stands still. The sheer lust in Rin’s eyes, the curiosity in Makoto’s lips, they both speak the same language in a different code. Hands pulling closer, bodies getting hotter; their lips meet and the rules are broken.

It’s a soft, wine-flavored kiss. Makoto hums into it and his heart begins thrumming under his skin. Rin climbs on top of him, straddling him, their lips never breaking contact. It is as if neither Sousuke and Haruka exists while their lips are still connected, leaving no room for second thoughts or hesitations. Makoto has never been kissed like this before, hot and consuming, and clearly going somewhere.

When they finally brake apart, they are both out of breath. Rin has his own hands buried in Makoto's hair, panting, staring dangerously back at him with a pair of crimson eyes shining in lust. Even with two pairs of jeans between them, Makoto can feel Rin reacting to him and his heart goes wild. Before Makoto can even recover from their first kiss, Rin is already kissing all the way down his throat and, abruptly, he wonders what the hell he's doing.

It is then when Makoto realizes the magnitude of their actions, the line they’ve shamelessly crossed. He’s pale, shaky, and very overwhelmed. “S-stop!” Makoto pushes Rin off him and holds him a few inches away from his body. He can’t look back at Rin, not even when those scarlet eyes are staring back at him with honest confusion.

It doesn’t take Rin too long to realize Makoto's having second thoughts, and it scares him. “M-Makoto…?”

“W-we’re drunk. We’re very, very drunk!” Makoto insists and feels the heat on his cheeks growing hotter.

“But we’ve barely—” Rin starts but Makoto is already shaking his head and standing up. Rejection had never settled easily in Rin’s gut; always so hard to swallow, always hurting his pride.

“I’m sorry,” Makoto mutters. “But I… I need to go.”

Makoto is out the door before Rin can even stop him, but nothing—not even the guilt burning him down—can erase the taste of Rin’s lips still lingering on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY KISSED!!! MAKOTO... AND... RIN... FREAKING KISSED!!!!! IT HAPPENED!!! Are you guys ready for what's next?!?!!? Oh because I AM!!! I AM SO SO READY TO SHARE WITH YOU GUYS THE STORM THAT ITS COMING THEIR WAY!!! It's going to be...!!!! It's.... going to be.... like it should be!!!! (I can't say more because I don't want to spoil you guys on it, lol.) But, ok, c'mon! Let's start betting!! What do YOU think will happen??
> 
> I am so damn happy is finally Friday :'D<3
> 
> Anyway, thank you guys! You were really supportive last chapter <3 All your comments mean so much to me! Hope to hear from you all soon <3
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	8. A little white lie turns into another

Out of his troubled sleep, Rin pushes aside his thick bed sheets and rolls to the other side of the bed where his muted cellphone awaits. Checking his empty inboxes, Rin lets out a loud yawn still feeling slightly groggy and confused. It takes him several minutes to remember the previous day, several moments of silence to notice there’s no one laying in bed next to him. Nobody to wake up next to or say ‘hi’ in the morning. It happens fast, but soon Rin’s throat is tight again.

“Sousuke…” His voice comes out in a broken whisper and he hides his face under his boyfriend’s pillow. Not a single text or a call since the night before, no signs of Sousuke or that their relationship still exists. He tries to swallow this depression away but his heart feels heavy and empty, all at once.

Where did Sousuke spent the night? With who? Does he has a clean uniform to wear to work? Of course Rin worries about small things like these, still too caught up in his own feelings and the memories of what they once shared.

But he knows it now; Rin knows that what they have is no longer love but only an illusion of what they used to be. Rin lays in bed, forgotten and rejected by the man he swore he would always love. Slowly, Rin pulls the pillow from his face and stares at the ceiling wondering, pondering and worrying. “Is this really… the end?”

_Is it better to have loved than not at all?_

 

*

  
No morning jog, there’s no need to do another thing that reminds him of his loneliness. He stays home, stays longer in bed and takes a longer shower. His stomach growls and Rin remembers that there’s no food for two waiting in the kitchenette that morning.

When he crosses the hallway, wet hair dripping like red paint over his forehead, Rin walks by the living room and freezes at the sight of a bottle of wine and two empty glasses resting on the floor next to the kotatsu. All the memories from the night before come crashing back like a hurricane down on Rin.

Green eyes, white wine, messy thoughts and a stolen kiss.

With wide eyes and a gaping mouth, Rin swears to himself that he can’t remember how to breathe anymore. He grasps his head tightly and takes several steps backwards until his back hits the wall. He had kissed Makoto and the memory replays in his mind over and over.  
  
 _Oh fuck! What the fuck had he done?!_  
  
He had forgotten. How could he have forgotten?! The taste of Makoto’s lips, his raising curiosity and the uncontrollable desire to go against the rules. Makoto kissed him back almost instantly, desperate to know their kiss was real and maybe not another fantasy. But, in the end, the fact that Makoto had kissed him back doesn’t matter because it had been him who brought their kiss to an end before running away.

Rin had crossed the line, he knows that; he’s horrified with himself and with the idea that things will never be the same between him and Makoto. Rin has no idea how things will go when they meet again, how will he be able to look into Makoto’s eyes without remembering the way those pink lips felt against his own or the taste of his skin?

Rin snaps out of his thoughts and faces the clock hanging on the wall just in time to realize it's almost eight in the morning. He feels his heart drop hard in his stomach, Makoto would be at his door to pick him up in any minute. Rin’s alarmed, with no idea of how to talk or even look at Makoto after what happened the night before.  He just runs to the kitchenette, eats whatever he finds and hurries to grab his clean uniform from the laundry basket.

He’s ready by seven fifty, standing by the door while deciding between walking out or wait inside. The uneasiness growing in the pit of his stomach won’t go away, making each second longer and each breath smaller. Rin knows that, for Makoto and Haruka’s sake, he needs to apologize. But that's easier said than done, especially when he can’t stop thinking about kissing those sweet lips again.

By seven fifty-four, Rin’s phone chirps from his pocket and the name in the screen makes a shallow breath escape his dry lips. It’s a new message from Makoto and Rin thinks he's not ready to be alone with Makoto anymore. Heck, he’s so damn nervous that his fingers begins shaking right after.

Opening Makoto’s text, anticipating the announcement of his arrival, Rin reads it in silence before letting a frown take over his face and twist his lips.

_I’m not feeling well, Rin._ _(´∩｀。)_ _  
_ _But don’t worry! Haru is picking you up instead. I am sooo sorry!!_

Rejection and anxiety hit him like a bullet train. Rin feels hurt, mostly because he is positive Makoto is lying, but also because Makoto is clearly avoiding him. Rin wonders if he had offended Makoto with the stolen kiss. It is obvious that his and Sousuke’s relationship is a lost case, but Makoto still has Haruka and a relationship that is slightly cracked but not broken.

The more he thinks about it, the less it matters. Rin knows that Makoto is not exactly the bravest person when it comes to confrontations, but it seems that Makoto doesn’t value their friendship the same way Rin does. He rather avoid him, let the fire burn, pretend that nothing happened and let it go.

The uneasiness he once felt turns into anger, almost rage, burning deep within him. All these years thinking he knew his best friend, only to realize that maybe he doesn’t know him at all.

 

*

 

Just as promised, Rin spots the black car pulling into the lot right after eight o’clock. He looks over at the driver's seat, meeting with Haruka’s stoic mask still firmly in place and the disappointment is impossible to hide on Rin’s transparent features.  
  
He approaches the car while running a hand through the back of his neck and hops into the passenger seat. After exchanging 'hellos', they sit in silence for the first five minutes of the drive. Rin occasionally looks over at Haruka, witnessing those dark eyebrows furrowing in concentration as the car merges into the highway.   
  
The silence between them is heavy, unbearable, charged with unspoken words and hidden meanings. Rin’s sinking in his seat, sinking in guilt, knowing that he was riding the car with the man that owns Makoto’s heart.   
  
“So,” Haruka's voice is soft, careful, as it breaks the silence. “Is everything okay between you and Makoto?”

Rin snaps out of his thoughts and looks back at Haruka, their gazes lock for a long moment before a sigh escapes Rin’s lips and he forces himself to look away. “I... don’t even know, Haru.” Shrugging in his seat, Rin feels a pang of pain shooting through his chest. “He’s avoiding me, isn’t he?”

“Makoto has never been the best with confrontations,” Haruka says instead and Rin can't agree enough with how true that statement is. It is then when Haruka’s expression becomes slightly distant as he is victim of the undeniable worry now marking his features. “But, if it makes you feel better, he’s been acting… different around me as well.”  
  
“W-what do you mean?” Rin asks and the guilt is as thick and condemning as ever.   
  
It’s Haruka’s turn to shrug, biting his lip before speaking again. “I… don’t know how to explain it,” he admits. “But he’s just… distant.”   
  
There’s no need for an explanation; Rin knows far more than he should, than he wants to know. He heard it all from the lips he kissed the night before, from the man that wouldn’t leave his thoughts. He remembers kissing those lips. He remembers licking those lips. He remembers those lips kissing him back and calling his name. Red eyes narrows and he finds himself questioning if it is alright to desire a taken man instead of his own. Nothing Rin had ever experienced had thrilled him like kissing Makoto did.

Rin is so caught up in his desire for Makoto that he misses the last couple minutes of the ride in silence, too deep in his own memories and selfishness to notice the pain hidden deep inside Haruka’s eyes.   
  
When the black Camry reaches their destination and Rin opens the passenger’s door, Haruka stops him from leaving by holding his wrist and calling his name. When Rin turns his attention back to Haruka, he notices how those ocean eyes were telling him a story of a broken soul. He feels his breath leave his body, and, despite the pain and guilt, Rin can’t stop staring back at Haruka.  
  
“He’s not sick. Makoto’s working until five today,” Haruka reveals in a gentle, yet sad voice. “You should go and meet him, maybe… he’ll open up and talk to you.”  
  
Mixed feelings run through his body once he experiences Haruka’s vulnerability, knowing that his own desire and thoughts are already betraying Haruka’s trust. “W-why are you telling me this, Haru?”   
  
“Makoto’s not talking too much to me lately.” A part of Haruka breaks when he says those words out loud. Pleading eyes stare up at Rin and, after fighting his pride, he continues.  “Please, try talk with him. I just want to find out what’s going on.”   
  
The shock hits him like a wave, hitting places so deep in the dark that washes all his words away. Rin’s heart hits hard against his chest and he wonders if Haruka knows about what happened the night before. For a second, Rin’s scared of being under the spotlight and wants to run away before he catches himself in fire. His thoughts take an unexpected turn all of a sudden and, this time, a smug satisfaction rushes through his spine.

Makoto wouldn’t open his heart to Haruka, he wouldn’t trust his insecurities with his own boyfriend. Instead, Makoto would always run after Rin, seeking for comfort in the wrong arms and the wrong lips.   
  
_I’m the only one Makoto could open to._  
  
“Alright, I’ll… talk with him for you, Haru.” And Rin finally slips his guilt away.

 

*  
  
Just like every workday, Rin leaves the box right after four in the afternoon. His long red bangs sway gracefully as the cold breeze of winter greets him under the November sky. He spent his entire eight hour shift unable to concentrate, reading over and over Makoto’s text in hopes of meeting with a different message each time his eyes scans the same sets of words.

Out of his uniform, it doesn’t take Rin too long to arrive to an old building on the edge of the city. The Totsuka Swimming School it’s the club where Makoto coaches a small group of elementary students three times a week. It’s not Makoto’s ideal job or the best option out there, Rin knows, but it’s enough to keep his best friend’s wallet full. For an instant, Rin wonders if Makoto will ever ask for an interview at the fire station like he mentioned not too long ago.

A stubborn frown crosses his face and he tries to suppress the anxiety building up inside him. Pushing the glass door open, Rin is welcomed by the sight of a lively lobby flooded with laughs and young students. He’s quick and walks in, blending with the parents dropping their kids for an evening lesson. He manages to ignore the curious look of the receptionist as he walks past her, knowing his way quite well down the hall.   
  
The overwhelming sound of splashing water echoes louder as he gets closer to the pool. Rin feels his heart hammering out of sync in his chest, experiencing an unwelcomed nervousness at the thought that Makoto is here, somewhere. But, as he licks his lips, that same nervousness becomes pure excitement; the type of excitement he regularly feels whenever he’s about to do something forbidden, something that’s not supposed to be done.

When he reaches the end of the hall, Rin’s eyes fall instantly on the man that has been dancing in his thoughts all day long. Clapping his hands together, Makoto crouches near the end of the pool as his students gather around him. He speaks with them briefly until the kids start pulling themselves out of the pool once their class is over.

It is like revisiting his own desires, remembering the taste of the lips those innocently say their goodbye to the kids disappearing into the locker room. Rin can’t look away anymore.   
  
The attraction he feels is addicting, too unbearable to be ignored, and he feels like he’s about to lose his breath by just looking at Makoto from the other side of the room. Rin’s feet start moving forward on their own once there’s no kids around, going unnoticed by the pair of emerald eyes whose attention is elsewhere.

Rin moves slowly, too cautious, like a wolf hunting his prey— but this is who Rin Matsuoka is, someone who can't resist the thrill of a good hunt.

They are too close now and Rin can practically distinguish Makoto’s scent mixed in the air between them. Before his pale hand can even reach the other man, the sound of people approaching tense him up and forces him to act fast by mere reaction.

No words are spoken when Rin grabs Makoto by the arm and pulls him into the closest room he could find. He locks the door and pins a confused Makoto against the wall in one swift movement. Their faces are too close together, close enough to kiss, but that fact isn’t strong enough to erase the frown now planted between Rin’s red brows.

“Rin…?!” Makoto presses his back against the cold wall, lost in pure confusion. “W-what are you doing here?”

“Well I’m impressed, Tachibana. Looking all nice and fucking healthy this evening! I can’t believe my eyes,” Rin growls, but not even Makoto's scared-sorry-sad face can erase the anger disguised in sarcasm from his voice. “After I read your text this morning, I thought I would have to go and get your sorry ass out of bed with some Tylenol or something.”

“A-ah well, you know, I… I…” Makoto’s voice fails, stuttering at being caught out in his own lie. Fighting an internal battle with himself, he looks away and those guilty eyes end up glued to the floor. He just can’t lie. “I-I’m sorry.”

Rin’s anger comes to a sudden halt and his slightly wider eyes stare back at the other male in pure disbelief. His features are inked with dark shades of pain when Makoto’s eyes reflect the guilt of avoiding his best friend through a unprepared excuse. Rin’s quick reverting back to his indignation and pushes Makoto harder against the concrete.  
  
“You liar!” Rin snaps louder than he means to. “You said that you would run after me if you had to but you’re the one that’s running away! What the hell is your problem?!”

Makoto’s eyes are shut tightly, yet it doesn’t change the fact that Rin’s pained voice plagues his mind. “Rin, please lower your voice,” He tries to run away from the guilt by turning his head to the side, but Rin confronts him by doing the same and pressing his foreheads together.   
  
“Just look at me, damn it!” Rin barks and hits on the wall behind Makoto with his closed fist. The thud sound echoes in the confined room leaving Makoto feeling like he is trapped in a bad horror movie. “Why are you avoiding me?!”

Rin's like fire. Every inch of him— his hair, his personality and his heart. An ever-burning, uncontrollable fire. He’s destructive and reckless, the perfect contrast to Haruka’s tranquility. Like fire and water, Rin burns him up while Haruka cools him down. When Rin presses their foreheads one against the other, Makoto feels like he’s already getting burnt.

All these unanswered questions are suffocating him, chasing and choking him down. They are pushing his limits, exposing a side of himself he wasn’t ready to face yet. The pressure becomes too much and Makoto can’t keep his mouth shut any longer.

“Because I can’t stop thinking about you, Rin!” It comes out of his mouth like vomit, all his pent-up feelings and hidden desires pouring out through his lips with full force. “Because I can’t stop thinking about how we kissed yesterday!”

Shock and surprise steal the words from Rin’s mouth, leaving a sore throat behind. There’s this thrill rising through his chest and his anger becomes part of the past. He stares back at Makoto with a tiny light of hope flashing through his honest eyes. “Mako...to?”

Makoto feels so ashamed of himself that he thought it was impossible to ever look back into Rin’s eye again yet, at the same time, he reminds himself that he was not even supposed to look into those scarlet eyes in the first place, because Rin is dating Sousuke and Haruka is waiting for him at home.

“I’m sorry, Rin,” After managing to get out of Rin’s grip, Makoto walks to the other side of the small office and covers his face with both hands. He grit his teeth and let out a frustrated growl. He can’t fight it, not anymore. Thinking about Rin all day, thinking about _them_ , and pushing all the thoughts of Haruka away. Makoto knows that he’s already trapped in his own mistake. “But I can’t stop thinking about how I want to kiss you one more time.”

Rin remains silent and his narrowed eyes analyze every little movement Makoto makes. Feeling the adrenaline coursing through his veins, Rin moves and erases the distance between the two. He doesn’t know if he’ll regret it later, however, his curiosity is hard to contain.  
  
"Then kiss me."   
  
Makoto turns around instantly and his heart is beating quicker than it ever had before. "What?" It is clear by the way his voice cracks that he isn’t opposed to the idea; excitement chills running down his spine as he wants Rin to say it one more time.   
  
Rin knows exactly what he's doing— crossing the line, craving the taste of danger like no other. He’s nervous, but he’s doing a great job hiding his weakness behind a confident mask. "You said you wanted excitement.” In a seductive voice he whispers, “That you want to know what it feels like to be dangerous.”

He gets close, maybe too close, and Makoto’s back is back against the wall. He lifts his hand to the other man’s face, softly caressing his cheek with the back of his pale hand. “Here's your chance,” He announces and Makoto is too overwhelmed to look even away. “And if you don't take it, I will walk right out that door, our lives will go back to being the same old lives we had before, and we will never speak about this again."  
  
Makoto's sweating – they are both sweating – the air is heavy, electric, and he can’t stop himself from trembling. His body is calling out for Rin and ready to fall, knowing that there’s no way he’ll let this golden opportunity slip away.

There is no hesitation this time. Just like kids running out of school as soon as the bell rings, Makoto grabs Rin by his waist and pulls him into a long passionate kiss. The feeling of Makoto's hands all over him is driving Rin wild, wrapping both arms around the other man’s neck and pressing their hot bodies even closer. Feverishly kissing, nibbling, and sucking on Makoto’s lower lip, Rin lets a pleased moan escape his throat.

They can’t recall when it happened, but now Rin’s back is pressed against the wall.

Both men can’t get enough of the other to satisfy their hunger and soon Rin’s shirt disappears down to the floor. Makoto likes Rin best when he’s savage and bitter, when Rin sinks his nails on his skin once the kisses move down to his pale neck. Rin bites his lip, arching his neck up and wanting more. Nothing can’t stop Rin from smirking, knowing that what they were doing was completely wrong and forbidden, but he’s enjoying every second of it.  
  
 _Makoto’s lips are Rin’s favorite taboo._

“Oh, fuck me,” Rin breathes poison into Makoto’s ear, intoxicating him with foreign needs and desires, turning him into a beast he doesn’t know existed. “Fuck me hard, Tachibana.”

Nothing makes sense for Makoto anymore and he let himself go wild. His mind goes blank instantly, shutting down his conscience and letting his instincts take over. Rin hits him like a hurricane when their hot bodies get pressed against the other, waking up the darkest side of him.

“You think you’re hot, huh?” Makoto’s deep, husky voice leaves no room for discussion. Nipping at the Rin’s collarbone, Makoto’s lips turn into a smirk before biting down. Rin lets out a loud growl, sinking his nails even further into Makoto’s skin. Soon, their lips meet again and their tongues glide together. Goosebumps grow on Rin's skin and the hairs of the back of his neck stand up. “Come and show me what you got.”  
  
With their bodies reacting to each other, Rin finds his hands working his way down on Makoto’s jammers. There’s no turning back, this was just the beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It STARTED!! And its only gonna get more intense from here...!!! Makoto and Rin are quite... impulsive, and sometimes that's not exactly a good thing, lol. 
> 
> Sorry I didn't update last Friday, I felt like releasing a chapter next to a holiday wasn't a good idea. Hope the wait was worth for you guys :D <3
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	9. Little White Lie. Shall I tell another one?

Laying on a bed that wasn’t his, Makoto spent the last twenty minutes staring at the ceiling and tangled in his dark thoughts. Nothing but a white sheet covers his muscular body, leaving a new trail of marks from his neck to upper shoulder completely exposed under the sunlight. His emerald eyes are less brighter than usual, they are a window to a devastated soul that is no longer in peace.

He had done it again, even after he had promised himself not to. He had found his way back to this bed, to Rin and to this little white lie that was just getting bigger. Now that he was alone with his thoughts, Makoto feels this guilt from consuming him, and the worst part is he’s the only one to blame. 

With Rin is nowhere to be seen, probably in the kitchen preparing coffee for two, Makoto is attacked by thoughts about Haruka; the man he loves and loves him back—the man he is cheating on.

Makoto lets out a frustrated groan and covers his face with both hands, rolling to the other side of the bed and hiding his head under a thick white pillow. He tries to count the many times he has slept with Rin in the past week, the places they have had sex in and the lies he had created in order to get away with it.    
  
Rin is a charming rogue and sex with him is addictive. It is everything he’d ever wanted and everything he’d been looking for whenever he laid down in bed next to Haruka. Rin’s hunger is insatiable, asking for more than one round each time they met to make out and satisfying him in more ways than possible. He’s like a drug and, the more Makoto tries to stop this, the harder he falls into Rin’s hands.    


Makoto is weak, he can't resist Rin— he really can't— and it is bad. It is badbadbad, very bad.

His thoughts take him back to Haruka. Makoto is a complete mess thinking about him, feeling disgust towards what he had become: a cheater and a very weak man. All his life he’s heard of people cheating on each other, on how relationships crumble once that line is crossed and now all Makoto does is live in fear.

What are they doing? What about Haruka? What about Sousuke? Things between him and Rin are moving up so quickly, and all Makoto wants to do is get off this ride before it’s too late.

“What the heck are you doing down there?” With a chuckle, Rin takes the pillow off from Makoto’s face and meets with a pair of green wide eyes staring back at him. Makoto gulps feeling suddenly too exposed when Rin sits on bed next to him. Wearing only a pair of black tight trunks, Rin smirks mostly to himself before taking a sip from the coffee cup he’s holding with his left hand. “I thought you wanted to take a shower before leaving.”  
  
“I...uh,” Makoto tries to sound more confident than he is, but has to clear his throat several times before trying to say anything more than one-sentence replies. The mattress shifts as he sits himself up and he tries his hardest to avoid any type of eye contact with Rin. “I-I got distracted, I guess.”

Rin is fast and notices Makoto’s nervousness spiking up, he doesn’t say anything but his smirk gets even wider. Oh, Rin just loves when Makoto gets nervous around him, when he stutters and gets shy, even after Makoto has fucked him hard against the wall not too long ago.

After leaving his half-empty cup on the floor, Rin climbs over Makoto and pushes him down against the mattress. It takes Makoto by surprise, leaving him in shock for a moment before Rin begins kissing and licking every inch of his neck exposed under his fingertips.

Makoto panics, pushing himself further back into the mattress. His head is spinning and the way Rin is touching him sends out red flags all across his conflicted mind. “H-hold on, Rin! I think we shouldn’t. I really need to get going, Haru might—!”

“Oh relax, Haru won’t be off until six.” Rin licks his lips with a wild smile; moving up to straddle Makoto’s lap, Rin leans down so that their faces are level with each other. He runs his fingertips through the other man’s neck and studies his already unsteady breathing. “We got plenty of time for round three.”

Makoto’s self-restraint starts melting away as soon as Rin’s mischievous hand finds its way between his legs and forces his eyes to shut tightly. He feels his already flushed cheeks heat up even more even when all he wants to do is fight back.

Admiring the marks that decorated Makoto’s skin, Rin finds himself chuckling against the other male’s throat. “Man, I hope you don’t mind rocking a pair of hickies for a week or two,” His tongue finds it way up to Makoto’s earlobe. “Better start buying new scarves to hide the evidence from Haru.”

The guilt comes rushing back like a tidal wave but Makoto doesn’t stop and keeps going, looking for comfort in the wrong set of arms.

“Gosh, Rin. I told you not to leave marks!” Makoto pushes Rin back and quickly leans forward, biting his neck back in mere act of vengeance. Rin only chuckles in response. “I work around kids!”

It don’t take long before Makoto finds himself between Rin’s legs, knees bent up and a hungry mouth exploring places morally unacceptable.

_ Oh _ , Rin loves being able to bring this dangerous side out from Makoto, to turn him into a beast once their bodies are pressed one against the other. Just like a switch been flickered, Makoto transforms himself into someone irreconocible. Manipulative, unpredictable and passionate; he awakes Rin’s curiosity and insatiable lust. They leave the memories of their significant others by the footboard and their bodies melt once more against one another.

*

Sousuke doesn’t remember when was the last time he had been home; he stopped counting after the fifth night. The apartment feels different somehow, colder and even bigger, and Sousuke is like a stranger in his own entryway. He breathes in the smell of the old apartment, Rin’s scent lingers in the air and it reminds him of how much he misses his best friend.

Closing the front door behind him, Sousuke walks down the hall with twelve red roses in one hand and a plastic bag of take-out in the other. He feels oddly nervous when he stops by an empty kitchen. Everything is so clean,no remains of a late lunch or dirty dishes sitting in the sink. Confused by the lack of noises and movement around the apartment, Sousuke wonders if Rin is even home for the day.

Sousuke never meant to harm the man he calls his boyfriend, that was the last thing he would have ever wanted to happen. Rin’s tears and bitter words from their last phone call still haunt Sousuke every time he closes his eyes; just like a wake up call. Having Rin telling him to stay away was new and  alarming; something completely unexpected and quite the opposite of what he had gotten used to. In the past, Rin would have never wanted to spend a day away from Sousuke, always seeking for his affection or any excuse to just grab his hand. This sudden rejection shook Sousuke up to the core and snapped him out of his own selfishness.

Back then, when the line went dead, was when Sousuke realized how badly he had been hurting Rin all along. Now, as he places the roses in a flower vase, Sousuke knows it is time for him to apologize and try harder. Sousuke wrinkles his nose, feeling the skin between his eyebrows furrow. But how could he pretend that what he feels towards Rin is still love and not mere affection?

The faint sound of the shower running brings Sousuke out of his thoughts, aware he is not home alone. A nervous anxiety plays games in the pit of his stomach and pushes him to walk down towards their bedroom. He opens the door carefully, finding a trail of clothes laying on the floor. He can't help his nervous heart from fluttering with unease once he realizes Rin is on the other side of the bathroom door.

For a second, he just stares at the closed door and tries to remember the already practiced speech he’s waiting to share with Rin, the promises he’s willing to make in order to fix their broken relationship and the feelings he had been dismissing all these years.

Sousuke makes up his mind and takes a step forward but, just as he does, he hears Rin’s phone buzzing on the nightstand. He glares at the phone and tries to ignore it, but the phone keeps buzzing on and on that it drives Sousuke’s nerves to the edge. 

There’s a change in his plans as he labels Rin’s phone as an annoying distraction, so he walks toward the device ready to turn it off. When he picks it up, his heart lose its steady rhythm once he accidentally reads one of the many messages flashing on the screen.

_ Please! Pleaaaase Rin, no more bite marks or hickeys. I am having a hard time hiding them from Haru... _ _ (ᗒᗩᗕ) _ _ We need to be more careful next time…!! _

The feeling is so intoxicating, so overpowering and Sousuke forgets how to breathe. His teal eyes scan the name of the sender and, when he stumbles with Makoto’s name, he just wants to scream. His chest felt empty, cold, hard ribs encasing nothing but the memory of a broken heart.

Sousuke flicks his eyes up to the bathroom door, his breathing rapid and shallow, before looking back down to the screen. He can’t stop his eyes from scanning over the rest of the conversation, going through old messages and words that break his soul. Their texts are far from innocent —  practically full on explicit flirting and sexting (mostly from Rin’s part), leaving no room for doubt that his boyfriend is cheating on him. He could feel the adrenaline building through his veins, slashing his nerve endings to a million tiny stars and endangering his sanity.

His jaw tenses, and he knows exactly what to do and leaves the room. He throws the flower vase to the floor, shattering it into a shower of glass shards across the kitchen. He pops open the take-out container and dumps it into the garbage disposal without a hint of hesitation. After leaving his baggage at the door, Sousuke’s darkened teal eyes flash with determination and walks back into their bedroom.

 

*

 

Swiping his hand across the foggy mirror after he steps out of the shower, Rin begins drying his hair with a white towel as his reflection stares back at him. Loneliness, sadness and an empty heart. Rin doesn't like what he sees in the mirror, he closes his eyes just to stop them from showing the sorrow within his heart and pushes himself to looks away.

Putting his gray pants and black tank top back on, Rin opens the bathroom door to meet with an unexpected guest sitting on the bed. Rin barely has time to widen his eyes in recognition before his lips speak his name. “...S-Sousuke?”

Slightly slouching forward, as if struggling with an invisible weight on his shoulders, Sousuke remains sitting on the edge of the mattress with his attention fully focused on a phone he holds in his hands. There’s lots of things that Rin wants to say at once, millions of mixed feelings flooding his eyes, and he takes a step forward. “Y-you. You… came back,” Rin whispers, a nervous hand makes his way up to the back of his head. Sousuke is finally home after days from not hearing back from him for the longest time and Rin can’t stop the hope from spreading through his chest. Maybe this is when things will finally get better. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know—”   


But the hope taking root in his heart vanishes once he finally notices that the red phone Sousuke holds in hands is actually  _ HIS _ phone. Rin witnesses how his whole world shifts before his very eyes. 

Sousuke makes eye contact with Rin for merly a second, long enough to freeze Rin’s soul entirely. When his attention goes back to the device he holds in hand, Sousuke clears his throat and begins reading out loud. “Hey sexy, are you busy today? I haven’t heard from Sousuke yet. My place is free if you wanna come after dropping Haru off.” Sousuke forces a sarcastic chuckle out of his throat as he keeps reading. “I’ll be there right after eight, Rin. Are you finally going to use your handcuffs on me, Officer?”

Rin is pale, paler than he had ever been. The look on his face was one of utter despair and he can’t believe this could be the end. “S-Sousuke, hold on,” He speaks but his voice is already cracking. “Let… let me explain.”

Sousuke ignores Rin’s pleading and stands up. He walks to the other side of the room, prolonging the distance between them Rin is trying to reduce. His angry teal eyes stay focused on the phone’s screen and he continues. “Oh, Tachibana, you have no idea of the things I am going to do to you tonight. I’m gonna make you cum so hard—”

“STOP!” Rin raises his voice, taking quick strides across his room. He immediately tries to take his phone out of Sousuke’s hands but Sousuke uses his strength to push Rin against the wall. His back hits hard against the concrete and Rin loses his breath momentarily. 

“What the  _ fuck _ were you thinking?” Sousuke’s voice is low and threatening, sending a shiver down Rin’s spine. “And… with Tachibana, really?”

Rin can’t deal with the blame and tries to dodge Sousuke’s cold gaze piercing through his weak heart. “I-I didn’t mean to—!”

“That’s bullshit, you fucking cheater!” Sousuke hisses. “I knew you two were far too close to be just friends. How did I not see this coming?!”

Rin clench his teeth together, balling his hands into fists and swears he can actually feel his heart breaking. “You ran me to it! You did this to yourself!” With tears swelling in his ruby eyes, he snaps. He starts pressing a fist against Sousuke’s chest, pushing him back and takes a step forward. “You should have thought about that before neglecting me! Before you left me alone and made me so miserable!”

He know this isn’t right, that the entire situation is messed up, but his pride feels heavier than his own guilt and it won’t allow him to be wrong.

“Don’t you dare to turn it all against me!” Sousuke yells and grabs Rin’s wrist tightly, using his strength to push him back against the wall where he wants him. Their foreheads are nearly pressing against the other and Sousuke can feel Rin’s breathing hitching against his lips. “The charade you have with Tachibana is far worse than falling out of love with you!”

Rin’s anger vanishes instantly, leaving no trace on his shocked features. Sousuke’s words hang like heavy steel in air between the two. Those crimson eyes just stare back at Sousuke and he just knows that this is over. His whole body trembles. “W-what…?” He can only hear the sound of his heart pounding in the lush thick silence.

No words are exchanged and Rin let the glistening tears finally fall. Sousuke is the first to look away, releasing his grip on Rin’s loosened fist. Little by little, Rin let reality sink in and he can’t deal with the thousand emotions he’s feeling at once. “What.. did you just say?” He asks one more time, his hands now on Sousuke’s shoulder, pulling him down so he could take a closer look to his face. Sousuke’s silence feels like acid burning his heart and Rin can’t deal with it anymore. “What are you trying to say, Sousuke?! LOOK AT ME!”

“Do you really want me to say it again?” Sousuke whispers as he slowly turns to meet with Rin’s broken expression. Gradually, a sad smile adorns Sousuke’s lips and Rin loses it.   
  
He’s quick and uses all his strength to switch places and now Sousuke’s back is against the wall. “I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you!” Rin screamed, tears of honest despair rolling down his flushed cheeks. He slams his hands on and on against Sousuke’s chest, but nothing can stop the despair from spreading all the way across his soul. “I thought you loved me the most!”

“It used to be that way, Rin. I used to love you so much.” Sousuke keeps his voice down and his eyes locked on Rin’s. “But one day it all disappeared and… there was nothing to be done. I tried everything.”

“C-cut that crap!” Rin’s voice cracks as he cries. “I fucking  _ hate you _ , Sousuke!”

Sousuke snaps. He grabs Rin by his wrist and pulls him closer until their foreheads are back against the other. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that.” Sousuke’s voice comes out raspy, barely above a whisper. “Now I can just walk away and end this for once. This relationship was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

A mistake. He’s a mistake. It hurts. Everything hurts. Rin can’t think straight anymore. “S-shut up! Let go!”

“Don’t play victim to circumstances you created.” Sousuke warns and Rin’s jaw tenses. “You knew exactly what you were doing by cheating on me with your best friend. What about Nanase? Does he know?”

Rin can’t bring himself to answer that question; his eyes fall to the floor and his shoulders keep shuddering with silent sobs. Sousuke carefully releases his grip on Rin’s wrist, knowing this could be the last time he would touch him. He can’t understand how Rin’s tears can still pierce his heart like ten thousand bullets, how he still cares about him even after Rin has been unfaithful to him. It doesn’t make any sense to Sousuke and it somehow scares him. 

He needs to get out of there.  _ Fast! _

“What you two are doing is so fucked up.” Sousuke whispers with honest disgust before taking two steps back. “I will keep this as a secret for myself, but Tachibana needs to let Nanase know about this.”

There’s a pause and, as Sousuke turns on his left foot, he looks back at Rin and his eyebrows tremble. “...Take care of yourself, Rin.”

Rin raises his head slowly, staring at Sousuke’s back as he exits the room. His entire world comes to a halt and he suddenly understands there’s nothing left to be done. Sousuke’s words linger in the air as an early farewell and Rin’s eyes go wide in regret. He feels his own words crawling up his choked throat. “H-hold on, Sou. Wait!” 

For a moment he gets lost on the thousand memories that come crashing down his mind, reminding him of the good times he spent next to Sousuke, of all the times he felt truly loved and wanted nothing but to be next to him for the rest of his life. Rin doesn’t know what he’s feeling as his whole body starts shaking uncontrollably, he goes after Sousuke thinking that maybe this is just a cruel nightmare chasing him in his sleep.

“Sousuke!” His voice echoes through the long hallway as they both stride down to the entryway. Rin almost trip with his own feet, his senses are blurred with the pain overflowing his heart. “You can’t leave me, Sousuke! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!”  
  
Rin stretches his hand and tries to reach him but, it doesn’t matter how much he yells or how fast he runs, Sousuke already feels unreachable. And it kills him.

It all happens too fast. There’s a suitcase by the door and Rin feels like he can’t breathe anymore. The door is slammed shut on his face and Sousuke is truly gone. From the living room window, Rin witnesses the precise moment when their shared car is pulling back out the parking lot. 

Sousuke left him and Rin just stares at the window with blurred eyes. There’s blood dripping down his right foot from stepping on one a glass shards, but he’s too deep in his own misery to distinguish that type of pain. He wails and sobs but nothing can’t stop his heart for hurting the way it does. There’s nothing left between him and Sousuke; no more words left to be said, no more remedies. The stubborn memories of what once was love haunt Rin like a ghost wanting to stay and never leave.  
  
Rin had always thought there were no boundaries, but it is then when he finally understands he had pushed Sousuke’s love way too far.

 

*   
  


It’s six in the afternoon by the time Haruka gets home from the grocery store, and he can already detect the foul odour in the air before he hits the welcome mat. His keys jingle while they turn in the lock and, as he opens the door, he’s greeted with an even more powerful waft of whatever smell was coming from inside their house.

There’s grumbling from the kitchen. Haruka ambles into the living area after toeing off his shoes and sets his keys on the coffee table. He watches Makoto gesticulate frustratedly towards the stove, which seems to be giving off the awful stench. Groceries still in hand, Haruka tilts his head curiously and silently approaches the kitchen table. Makoto is completely oblivious to his presence; he’s so intensely focused on trying to un-burn what looks like curry in a pan. He’s whimpering and groaning to himself — things like “That doesn’t look right”, “Where is that spoon?”, and “What am I doing?!”. There’s some chicken breast on the cutting board beside him and the rice cooker is steaming.  
  
Haruka settles the groceries on the table after he’s had enough of watching Makoto flounder helplessly around the stove and takes a few steps towards him. However, the exact moment he decides to let out a firm, “Makoto”, the larger man just so happens to pick up a knife and begin   
furiously slicing at the chicken breast.

Makoto nearly leaps five feet into the air at the sound of Haruka’s voice. As a result of his surprise, his pointer finger falls under the knife blade. Haruka jumps at his yelp of pain and quickly grabs the rag from the counter so he can drench it in hot water. While he does this, Haruka turns the stove off and moves the pan from the stove to the sink where it will be out of the way.

“You oaf,” Haruka admonishes affectionately, quickly pressing the hot rag to Makoto’s finger. His partner hisses and whines as Haruka leads him to the table and forces him to sit. He takes a close look to the wound but, luckily, it isn’t too deep. He dabs at the fresh cut, watching Makoto squirm in his seat with his other hand tucked between his crossed legs. For a few moments Haruka tends to his injury, but then speaks up once the bleeding has slowed. “Makoto, what are you doing in the kitchen?”

Haruka looks up at the small, childish pout on Makoto’s face, but Makoto is looking at the rag instead. “I was just… hungry.”

Haruka waits for him to say something else, maybe apologize for wasting food, but he just sits and stares at his cut.

“You could have waited for me to come home,” Haruka says finally. “I was going to prepare roasted mackerel with garlic and paprika for dinner.”

Makoto averts his eyes, now, but they return to the cut just as fast.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Haruka lifts the rag, and when he sees that the cut is no longer dripping he sets the rag down and heads upstairs to the bathroom to get the band-aids. 

Makoto is waiting patiently when he returns. It’s a new box, so it takes a second to open, and once Haruka retrieves the band-aid he realizes Makoto is no longer looking at his wound. He’s staring out of the window in the kitchen, over the counter.

Haruka removes the wrap from the band-aid and frees the adhesive. He stares at Makoto while he snugly covers the cut, noticing the thick the high collar turtleneck sweater he was wearing that afternoon. Haruka’s curious eyebrows raise at him. “Why are you wearing a sweater?”

Makoto must not have heard him, because he just blinks and continues to gaze out of the window.

“Makoto,” he calls, quiet but a little louder. He stretches his hand out, tugging a finger at the neck of Makoto’s turtleneck sweater and pulling from it. “Why are you wearing a sweater inside the house? It isn’t that cold.”

Makoto tenses abruptly, snapping his hand over Haruka’s and grabbing him by the wrist maybe a little too hard. Haruka’s eyes fly open.

“M-Makoto?”  

Makoto freezes, the shock of what he had just done hitting him hard once he notices the hint of fear now reflected in Haruka’s eyes. He releases Haruka’s wrist, carefully, before clearing his throat and looking back at the window. “I-I’m sorry,” The light in Makoto's eyes fades, slowly, as though his greens were a dying flame. “I was just… so lost in thoughts and you took me by surprise.”

Yet, those words are not strong enough to erase Haruka’s uneasiness. His chest is invaded by a hard wave of insecurities, red flags and the distinct feeling that there’s something else. He opens his mouth ready to voice his worries to the other but the doorbell rings and the opportunity is instantly gone.

They stare at each other for a moment before the incessant chiming of the front doorbell fills the silence lingering between them. Haruka sighs and pushes his fears to the back of his mind as he stands from the table. “Go answer the door, I’ll… clean up.”

Makoto stands up with his palms against the wooden table and a bitter smile tugging at one corner of his lips. “...Alright.”

He is saved by the prefect timing of the doorbell ringing but, as Makoto walks down the hall, he wonders why a cheater like him could possibly be this lucky. His smile is gone, it's not replaced with another one, just wiped off his face like water from a windshield. He doesn’t deserve to be saved, he doesn’t deserve any type of luck or anything good because he’s betraying the trust of the man he loves. 

He’s scared. He’s so damn scared of the lie he’s masking up, afraid of letting it grow until it explodes and he loses everything he has. Suffocated in this little white lie, Makoto closes his eyes and swallows the knot of nerves that have formed in his throat. It’s never too late. He needs… he needs to speak with Haruka.

When he opens the door, a flash of burning red comes rushing to him. Strong arms find their way around his neck, pulling two bodies closer in a desperate hug. Makoto is genuinely shocked at first but, when he recognizes Rin’s vibrant red hair spreading on his shoulder, he tenses instantly.

“R-Rin!?” Makoto voice comes out barely above a whisper. He looks over his shoulder to the kitchen, making sure that Haruka is nowhere to be seen. “W-what are you doing here? Haru… he’s home!”

Makoto’s fears are cut off by a sob coming out from Rin’s sore throat, causing his tense shoulders to relax just slightly as a worried glint flashes across his emerald eyes. He brings himself to wrap his arms around Rin’s waist before finally asking. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Rin takes a shaky breath in, sniffling and hugging him tighter. “S-Sousuke found out,” He loudly cries in Makoto’s shoulder. “H-he…broke up with me.”

The news falls like the thunder, without any warnings, making a very loud noise inside Makoto’s heart. He can’ control his trembling fingers pressing against Rin’s waist or the way his whole mind goes blank for half a second when he lets the unexpected news sink into his head. His throat goes dry, yet Makoto forces himself to find his voice and ask again. “What…?”

“SOUSUKE LEFT ME!” Rin snaps his head up, meeting with Makoto’s gaze as hot tears fall freely down his blushed cheeks. “He... fucking left me!”

Makoto’s heart sinks quickly with guilt and regret. He opens his mouth, as if he knows exactly how to fix a broken heart, but no words leaves his lips and Makoto’s soul burns in despair.

_ It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault!  _

_ I did this to Rin.  _

_ I am the one to blame..! _

Haruka must have heard Rin yelling from the kitchen because he’s now standing right behind the two men with a wet rag in hand. He’s hesitant, quiet and his stoic expression is already melted into a concerned frown. Rin’s puffy, red eyes meet with Haruka’s over Makoto’s shoulder. Nothing can erase the shock that initially crosses through Rin’s face, followed by a pained expression when his sobs became even harder.

“Sousuke said he stopped loving me long time ago.” Rin whispers without taking his eyes away from Haruka’s. “I don’t know what I did or what I didn’t. He… just stopped.”

“Rin… I…” Makoto tries one more time but, before he could even find any sort of words of comfort, he finds himself being interrupted.

“You’re bleeding,” Haruka states and Makoto nearly has a heart attack at the sound of his voice. With partial hesitation, Makoto looks over his shoulders and feels immensely guilty at the sight of his boyfriend. Unaware of the feelings flooding Makoto’s heart, Haruka walks forward and places a hand on the red head’s shoulders. “Rin, your foot…”

Makoto’s gaze drops down to Rin’s feet, meeting with a pair of brown sandals that Rin’s wearing despite the cold weather and a poorly bandaged bloody foot. Makoto gasps in honest surprise and Rin only manages to look away, hiding his face against Makoto’s neck.

“I stepped on glass,” Rin mumbles. “There was… a broken vase in the kitchen.”

_ And twelve roses that were meant for him. _

“H-hold on,” Makoto begins. “Did you walk all the way down here again?!”   


No answer follows, only an intentional silence from Rin’s part. Makoto and Haruka exchanges worried glances and carefully guide Rin into their home. They take care of his unattended wound, replacing the blood stained bandage with a new one and offer a warm dinner to at least take his mind away from Sousuke. 

What Makoto and Haruka don’t know, or at least what they couldn’t comprehend right then, is that nothing can heal the wounds from a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is why you don't lie, Rin!! This is why you shouldn't cheat! D': Shitty things happen when you make shitty decisions. Oh gosh, now Makoto is having a very hard time lying to Haru. He can't lie!! He's just too nice to lie without feeling remorse almost instantly. This mess is just getting bigger and bigger :'(
> 
> Yeah, poor Rin but... I feel really bad for Sou, too.
> 
> Anyway, it's funny how lyrics from the songs I listen to while writing tend to end up being part of the story itself as well XD. With this chapter, I was listening to Gwen's 'I used to love you' song on repeat until the breakup scene was over. Oh well :') It's whatever~!!
> 
> Thanks for all your support and for all those comments from last chapter ;3; They ALL mean very much to me!
> 
> I am currently writing the last chapter of this story and it's taking me more than usual to finish it because well... I am pregnant and tired 90% of the time :'D Luckily is only one chapter and then the whole piece is done! Wish me luuuck <3
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	10. Lately, I’ve not said a word.

Sunday. It's an hour before opening time and the bakery already smells richly of frosting and sweets. Outside, the sun is traveling across the sky, spreading brightly across the tall buildings as the city of Tokyo begins to wake up. Storming from the front door, Haruka exits the bakery with a full tray of freshly baked mackerel soufflé. He is mildly angry, an unmistakable frown pinching the corners of his mouth.

For the last couple weeks Haruka had spent day and night improving this recipe, even trying from home when Makoto was out at Rin’s and he had the house all for himself, but all his efforts were turned aside once the executive chef rejected his improved soufflé (for the fourth time) without even taking a bite.

The word ‘offended’ isn’t strong enough to describe the way Haruka feels right then, so tired of rejection and suppression. He’s an artist just wanting to create and be free— a free soul forced to stick to the rules, to bake the same cakes and desserts every day, to follow somebody else’s inspiration instead of his own.

Heck, the only action Haruka gets in that bakery is whenever their menu slightly changes when the seasonal desserts arrive near the holidays. And that’s pathetic, at least, that’s what Haruka thinks. He’s feels like a prisoner— like a bird, trapped in a gilded cage, admired yet unappreciated.

Haruka heads towards the dumpster on the left side of the building, next to where his car is parked and the bakery’s roll-up door. He’s too deep into his own bitterness to notice a white Fiat taking one of the two empty spots next to where he’s standing. Right as Haruka lifts the dumpster’s lid, a tall man of blue eyes and blond hair hops out the white vehicle and smiles at the sky.

 _“Excusez-moi,”_ A male voice echos behind Haruka, forcing him to stop what he was doing and turn around. Standing next to him, the man stands with a friendly look on his face. Haruka frowns instantly. “Is this the Tarui Bakery?”

Just by looking at this man, Haruka can tell he is a foreigner. He hears it in his voice, the heavy accent giving his speech a lovely tune, and on his facial features, so unique and different from any japanese man he had met before. He takes a second to himself, just staring at the stranger before his voice breaks the silence rising between the two. Haruka replies with a short and simple, “Yes?”

The man’s smile couldn’t get any wider and, after excusing himself, he walks his way down to the bakery’s door. Haruka follows him with his eyes curiously and quietly, witnessing the exact moment when the man stumbles with the ‘CLOSED’ sign hanging from the glass door.

“We’re not open yet,” Haruka’s announcement comes out a little too late and the stranger sighs. “Come back in an hour.”

 _“Je ne peux pas le croire,”_ The man presses his head against the glass in defeat and Haruka rolls his eyes at him.

“Speak japanese.” Haruka mutters to himself, annoyed with the fact that he had no clue of what the other male was saying.

Reaching out and lifting the dumpster’s lid for the second time. He is about to throw the entire tray into the trash just before the stranger speaks one more time. “Is… that—? If you’re planning on throwing that away, can I at least get to try one?”

Haruka stops, raising his eyebrow in disbelief. He turns around and his attention is now fully on the man with the french accent. “Why?”

“You see, I am about to open my very own restaurant in Paris, France,” he begins to explain while reducing the distance between himself and where Haruka stands. “I’ve been traveling all around the world looking for inspiration, visiting all sort of places and expanding my knowledge.”

Instantly intrigued, Haruka listens but that doesn’t stop him from noticing that the frenchman’s eyebrows are a bit weird.

Taking a short pause, the stranger stuffs a cigarette between his teeth and lights it. “Sadly, I cannot wait for too long. This is my last day in Japan and there’s still so many places to visit, so many dishes to try.” The stranger’s eyes fall back to the try Haruka is holding in hands and smiles wisely. “Just by looking at those mackerel soufflés, I can tell that piece of art don’t belong in the trash.”

Haruka’s eyes bulge in shock. Mackerel. How does he know?! Staring at the foreigner, Haruka finds himself frowning again with partial irritation. Who the heck is this man?!

Giving in, Haruka offers one soufflé to the man in silent resignation and the man accepts the dish gratefully. The man comes, indeed, prepared and takes a fork out of his chest pocket. After trying Haruka’s mackerel soufflé, the stranger stares at him with wide eyes before swallowing.

 _“Incroyable!”_ He praises. “Young man, is this your recipe?”

Embarrassed, Haruka looks away and he can't quite ignore the blooming warmth in his own chest. He nods. When was the last time someone had praised any of his dishes? It feels weird, a sensation he had almost forgotten, yet it is entirely refreshing.

“You’ve talent,” The french tells him, walking closer and smiling with pride. “Are you, by any chance, interested in teaming up with me and working abroad?”

Abroad. The thought is enough to make his spine tingle. “I… am okay working here.”

Was he really?

“Are you sure?” The other insists. “There’s so much more out there to see, many different skills you could learn working in different places. I can tell… you have a bright future ahead, kid.”

  
One must possess the skills to make something beautiful or artistic, skills Haruka had always possessed whenever he finds an empty kitchen to work on. Cooking is an art, and Haruka is an artist always looking for an outlet. He cooks because it brings him peace, because he makes people around happy, because he’s good at it and nothing else. He doesn’t care about being recognized, caring about such thing would only make his cooking lose its meaning.

But then, the man standing in front of him offers him many different sights he didn’t know his heart was curious for. How big could the world be?

“Here,” The other says, taking a business card out of his pocket and handing it over to him. “Here’s my contact information. You could take a look to my website and get an idea of the type of dream I am after. Who knows? Maybe a change of scenery is just what you need to shine even brighter.”

Haruka stares at the business card in silence, trying to comprehend the meaning behind the stranger’s words. The name _Sanji Vinsmoke_ is printed in gold letters across the card, revealing the man’s name and rising Haruka’s curiosity to the roof.

There’s so many questions flashing across Haruka’s mind, yet only one of them leaves his lips as Sanji begins walking back to his white Fiat. “Why are your eyebrows curly?”

Sanji laughs. “Bad genetics, I guess.”

*

Dwelling on the past, Rin wakes up on an lonely bed. Once again, those empty eyes stare at the ceiling as he wonders how to fill those holes in his chest. It had been a little over a month since Sousuke had broken up with him, and a little over a month since he started losing his mind. Sousuke’s belongings are no longer in sight— an apartment that once had been full of life, now has been emptied out and forgotten.

Rolling to his side, Rin wraps his arms around the pillow that once had been Sousuke’s and closes his eyes tightly. He presses his face against it, inhaling the remains of Sousuke’s scent— trying to burn his smell deep in his mind. The vacancy sitting in his heart is a space Sousuke took with him.

Gosh, he misses him. He misses him so damn much. And he cries, just like he does ever since he made his greatest mistake. Rin cries loudly and his body trembles, but it doesn’t matter how sore his throat is from calling his name over and over, Sousuke will never come back to him.

Leaving his bed by six fifteen, Rin forces himself to face another day without him. He ventures to his dresser, takes out the running gear and changes. He locks the door, shoves the keys in the small pocket of his shorts, and jogs down the stairs. The cold morning air hits him in the same spot it’s hit him for the past three years, but this time it seeps inside his chest and meets with his frozen heart.

The morning is gray and gloomy which perfectly matches the look on Rin’s face. He starts his morning jog like a routine, following the same trail that takes him through waves of unwanted memories of every time he shared this path with Sousuke.

There’s a hole in the fence towards the end of the trail, hidden behind the tall metal sign that says _‘DEAD END_ ’. Rin remembers how one time him and Sousuke time snuck through and sat under a tree until dawn came and washed the sky in beautiful colors.

Rin wears a hollow glance as he stands at the end of the road. Looks like he’s starting all over again, alone with his broken emotions. He starts to believe that maybe these last three years had not been real and just a mere fantasy.

When the old coffee shop comes into view, Rin let his breath out slowly. Normally, Rin tries to stick to water right after exercising but today seems to be the exception. The shop seems to be buzzing with activity and nearly every chair is taken despite the early hour. He’s not in the right mood for human interaction, keeping his eyes on the floor as he pushes open the glass door.

Shock comes rushing to his face as he recognizes the laughter that resonates in the air. Rin snaps his head up and looks to the right and left, searching for the source of his heart’s aches. It’s not too hard to recognize Sousuke’s broad shoulders from the crowd, standing in front of the counter. He’s laughing and talking with the barista who is taking his order, looking so blissful and relaxed.

Sousuke seems to be fine—happy, so happy without him.

Everything spins so quickly and Rin’s heart gets stuck in his throat. So many crossed images come and go, rising the undeniable fear of being forgotten. Feeling undesired, like some kind of burnt-out failure, Rin finds out Sousuke has already moved on.

_So fast._

Turning on his spot, Rin accidentally bumps into the person behind him and spills their coffee into the floor. Instantly, Rin feels multiple eyes on him and his heart drops in his chest. He apologizes but ignores the other’s complaints as he rushes out the coffee shop through the glass door.

Rin’s face is distorted, his mouth misshaped and his nose is all red. He runs as fast as he can, escaping from the inescapable and wondering if Sousuke caught a sight of him before he left the building.

And he did.

His pain suddenly transforms itself into an anger he can’t control. From all the coffee shops in the area, why would Sousuke come to this one instead?! He knows Sousuke and, the more he thinks about it, the more sure he is that Sousuke has done this on purpose.

Maybe this is Sousuke’s way on letting Rin know that he’s not going to ‘disappear’ just for his sake because, after all, he doesn’t owe him anything. Maybe Sousuke would have stayed away if he had broken things off between them, but Rin was the one that cheated on him, the one who forgot they were best friends before even dating. Rin messed up with Sousuke’s trust and now all what Sousuke wants is to show Rin how his life keeps going on without him.

Rin only stops running once he's far outside the café’s boundaries, lungs burning for air and legs aching. He wipes the sweat of his forehead with the back of his hand and looks over his shoulder to where the coffee shop resides. He’s frustrated, overwhelmed, instantly assaulted with an insufferable pain.

Nobody had ever depended on Rin the way he depended on others, nobody had ever loved him with the same passion he loves back. Sousuke doesn’t need him, he hasn’t needed him in so long, he’s not suffering without him like he is, and Rin just feels so miserable.

The realization hurts; it messes up with his breathing and forces him to shut his eyes tightly as he lays his back against a brick wall. His mind keeps flashing different memories—all of Sousuke—and he can’t help but crave a remedy for the emptiness that now kills him.

 _Makoto._  
_Yes, Makoto!_  
_He needs to see Makoto._  
_He needs to feel and touch Makoto!_  
_He NEEDS him!_

Makoto’s like his newly discovered drug, he had been ever since the emptiness inside his heart had gotten this big, unable to forget him or even resist him. Rin feels like he’s doing something very, very wrong when he pulls his cellphone out and starts texting him, but just thinking about those pink lips makes the anticipation feel too right to be stopped.

When he finally presses the button ‘SEND’, Rin stares at his cellphone’s screen and re-reads his message over and over.

_I need to see you tonight, Makoto. I miss you._

It doesn’t take too long before Rin’s phone chirps out a soft tune, announcing the arrival of a new text message from the other, and nothing can stop an downhearted smile from crawling across his pale lips.

*

Makoto stands with his palms on the edge of the counter. A bitter smile tugs at one corner of his lips as his muted cellphone lays close to his fingers. Rin’s invitation lingers; an unspoken plea for affection from a broken heart. Guilty, Makoto feels so guilty.  
  
Blaming himself for Rin and Sousuke’s failed relationship, the guilt eats his heart away and leaves him feeling cold and empty. He looks up and his eyes fall on Haruka’s figure standing by the oven, preparing dinner for two and unaware of lips that have kissed Makoto’s lips in the past months.

Every night Makoto keeps telling himself that he should stay away from Rin, that it isn’t too late to stop, turn around and leave. Yet, just one text message is always enough for Makoto’s guilt to grow deeper. He can read between lines of invisible ink, read of the loneliness taking over Rin’s strength, leaving him vulnerable and completely torn up.

That’s why he keeps kissing him, lying to himself thinking that just one kiss could make it better. Makoto wants Rin’s heart to heal but he’s exposing himself way too much. He feels like he’s falling down with Rin, hand in hand, into something irreversible.

Makoto picks up a new, dry dish rag and starts cleaning the already clean counter, driven by his own anxieties. He can’t keep risking his relationship with Haruka this much, this whole mess needs to stop before it gets more out of control than it already is.

“Dinner is ready,” Haruka speaks with two plates in hand, walking across the kitchen and placing them on the table. Those ocean eyes look back at Makoto and a dark eyebrow is raised when he notices how tense Makoto’s shoulders seem to be. It seems that Makoto didn’t hear him, he seems to be too deep in thoughts to stop rubbing the same spot on the counter over and over. A pout forms in Haruka’s lips and he calls his name. “Makoto.”

Makoto’s head snaps towards Haruka’s voice, a trace of nervousness still creeping into his voice. “O-oh, sorry. Sorry. I’m coming.” Dropping the rag on the counter, Makoto walks towards the dinner table and sits on his seat without further hesitation.

And in silence their dinner begins, both men eating mackerel and rice from their own plate. No words are exchanged, no small talk is made, just two busy minds reflecting in their days and the things they couldn’t share with their partner.

With sad eyes, Makoto makes another exhausting realization: he and Haruka are not as close as they once were. Open books with the pages faced towards one another—now, Makoto feels as though Haruka is the only book standing. He has tilted over, on his side, contents crinkled unforgivingly under the weight of his own cover. And while Haruka can still see him, it's only what Makoto is allowing him to see.

So many years of being open has worn down his pages. His lungs are so clogged and spread thick with his own dust that he's suffocating. The edges of his heart are dog-eared and his spine feels as though it will tear apart at the seams, gently, slowly, like the spine of a book should it be opened and closed gently, slowly, one hundred thousand million times.

What about Haruka? Does he still love Makoto like he used to? Or maybe Haruka is biding his time, until Makoto can't take it anymore, can't take the infuriating monotony of this simple little life he's forcing down his own throat. Maybe he's waiting for Makoto to realize this isn't all life should be: a dead end job at the library downtown and a house so small he has to breathe down his boyfriend’s neck to get from one place to another.

Waiting for Makoto to say he's had enough so Haruka can tell him he fell out of love with him a long time ago, just like Sousuke fell out of love with Rin.

“I. Um. I hope you don’t mind but I am planning on paying Rin a visit after we are done eating,” Makoto speaks, testing waters, after clearing his throat and finding himself unable to meet Haruka’s eyes. “I think he’s not doing well again.”

Haruka, in the act of raising rice to his mouth with his chopsticks, stiffens and just stares at his partner before his response follows. “You are spending way too much time with Rin lately.”

“Well, Sousuke broke up with him just recently,” Makoto brings out the best excuse he can find, eyes focused entirely in the grilled mackerel resting on his plate. He gulps, knowing that partially what he’s saying is true. “Rin… he’s just too lonely and needs a friend.”

A friend? What they do in between Rin’s bed sheets is anything but friendly. Ashamed, Makoto bites his lower lip and just shuts himself by stuffing his mouth with more rice.

If Makoto was as observant as he was before, he would have been able to notice the suggestion of jealousy hidden behind Haruka’s calm exterior he’s trying too hard to maintain. “I just don’t get why it is always you the one that has to go to his place,” Haruka’s voice echoes with a pang of loneliness he’s not willing to admit he feels every time he finds himself alone for the evening, alone in their place, alone with his thoughts and insecurities now that Rin is back to be single. He knows he shouldn’t be feeling this way, especially when Rin is as hurt as he is, but sometimes he can’t help it. Not when Makoto wouldn’t look back at him as he speaks. “That’s unfair. You should invite him over for dinner next time.”

After swallowing his food, Makoto laughs nervously and nods. “I will. Next time for sure.”

Not convinced with Makoto’s answer, Haruka frowns and looks away with poorly hidden anxiety. There’s something in Makoto’s voice that make Haruka’s chest get flooded with uneasiness, just like a big neon question mark flashing brightly in front of him, blocking his view from the rest of the world, keeping his attention focused on the small details that make him feel there’s something hidden inside those green orbs. “Just… let me know with time so I can cook food for three.”

“...Alright.”

“Rin… is my friend as well,” Haruka continues with some hesitation in his voice. For the past month, Makoto and Rin had spent so much time together, done so many things, and Haruka couldn’t help but feel left behind and forgotten. Feeling like a type of third-wheel in a friendship where he once felt part of. “I care about him. I want to help too.”

The silence comes back two times stronger this time and, with guilty eyes, Makoto looks back at Haruka. His brown eyebrows knit up together in remorse, and he suddenly feels like he's wearing shoes underwater—heavy and uncomfortable. It’s pretty obvious to him the way Haruka is feeling right then, and noticing how he means well and really is worried about Rin’s well being, Makoto feels a stab of guilt straight in his heart.

“A-ah, you’re right. I’m sorry, Haru.”

Pausing for a second, Haruka takes a second for himself before a genuine question leaves his lips. “Do you know why did Sousuke broke up with Rin?”

A wave of panic sweeps over Makoto and he nearly falls from his chair as the sound of his heart bangs into his eardrums. Haruka gives him a questioning look that only gets even worse once Makoto realizes he’s blushing. “I-it was a mutual thing, I think?” He stutters. “But basically Sousuke fell out of love with Rin o-or something like that.”

Haruka hums in thought for a moment, but he spots a different answer in Makoto’s eyes that leaves him feeling quite uneasy.

*

The door opens and Rin’s hands grasp hard on Makoto wrists, pulling him in with one solid jerk and smashing their mouths together in an desperate kiss. He pushes Makoto’s back against the wall, trapping him as the front door slams close. Rin’s hands travel down Makoto’s toned chest, feeling his muscles contract as his fingertips travel down to meet with the rim of his pants.

Makoto tries to match Rin’s intensity as he kisses him back, but he’s too tense and his movements aren’t as passionate and meaningful as they normally are. His mind is clouded with thoughts of Haruka, of regret and red flags telling him he shouldn’t be here. It doesn’t take too much for Rin to notice how Makoto isn’t into their kiss, so their lips part and their eyes meet.

“Oi, babe. What’s wrong?” Rin asks softly, cupping the sides of Makoto’s cheeks. “You seem pretty tense today. Did something happen?”

Makoto breathes out and finds himself struggling to make eye contact Rin. Placing his hands over Rin’s, Makoto begins thinking over and over of the words he wants to say. “I… am worried about Haru. He’s starting to get suspicious about us.” Makoto admits after a brief pause and Rin frowns instantly. “It’s killing me already. What if he finds out?”

Rin has to resist the urge to roll his eyes, clucking his tongue against his teeth in annoyance. He feels the sting of jealousy snap at his heels, poisonous and waist-high, unable to be ignored. Why was Makoto thinking of Haruka when Rin was kissing him? His longstanding rivalry with Haruka wakes in Rin the urge to take everything that Haruka owns and make it his.

“Look, you’re going to be fine,” Rin pins him in place with a hand on either side of Makoto’s head. “Haru won't find out. I won't tell him and I know for sure that you won't tell him either.”

Makoto blinks a few times at Rin, clearly caught off-guard by the other’s words and movements.

“There’s no way he will know about us,” Rin whispers at the same exact moment his skilled hands begins unbuttoning and unzipping Makoto’s pants, smiling dangerously as he hears Makoto gasp in response. “Now, relax.”

Makoto’s breathing becomes heavy as he watches Rin crouching down in front of him. “R-Rin, wait—!” He mumbles weakly before closing his eyes tightly. Unable to even catch his breath, Makoto presses his back harder against the wall, as if trying to escape from the lips kissing his erection.

Makoto’s head is spinning, pleasure and guilt clashing one against the other. Rin’s reassurance isn’t strong enough to bring Makoto’s insecurities down, they just doubled their size and haunt him. The ghost of Rin’s tears from the day that Sousuke had broken up with him come flying back to Makoto. He remembers how Rin sobbed about Sousuke reading all their text messages and finding out about them.

If Sousuke was able to find out about their affair, Makoto fears Haruka find out too.

Rin hits Makoto’s chest hard with the base of his hand and Makoto snaps out of his choked mind. Ruby eyes are glaring up at him and his mouth goes dry.

“Stop thinking about Haru!” Rin warns harshly, jealousy heating the tone of his voice. Wiping the corner of his mouth, Rin stands straight up and glares directly to Makoto. “You are with me right now!”

“A-ah. I’m… sorry,” Makoto stutters nervously, so unused to Rin’s possessiveness. Is he imagining it, or is Rin’s looking down at him differently? Is there still longing in those crimson eyes? He doesn’t have to continue analyzing the other’s gaze because Rin’s lips find their way back to his and shuts him up instantly.

*

The bed is a disaster of crumpled sheets, tangled naked bodies and sweat. Rin’s back is pressed against Makoto’s chest, both men are a panting mess trying to compose themselves after fooling around. Makoto is quiet, he has been quiet for a long time now, but Rin is too tired to ask any questions.

Nothing Rin has ever done, no one he has ever met or even kissed matches up to Makoto. He looks over his shoulder and meet with Makoto’s unusually serious face. Captivated by those good looks, Rin wishes Makoto only had eyes for him.

It hits him like a hurricane at the same moment his red eyes go wide, the realization he might be falling in love with his best friend. Paralyzed, speechless, Rin imposes himself to look away and focus his attention anywhere but on how close their bodies were.

Trembling eyes wonder how he let it happen, how he convinced himself that this was a good idea. Oh, who was he kidding? It is almost impossible for anyone not to fall in love with Makoto Tachibana. He’s someone who genuinely cares, who truly loves and makes Rin forget about the source of his pain by just smiling sweetly at him.

 _No, no, no…!_ This is bad! Rin covers his face with both hands and takes a deep breathe in as he tries to calm himself down. Everything is so new, everything can be fixed before falling deeper into this hole.

“Rin,” Makoto breaks their silence and Rin’s face is frozen almost comically into a look of shock. Just because Rin’s back is facing Makoto, the taller male misses this look and continues speaking. “You should come over for dinner tomorrow. Haru… Haru wants to see you.”

_Haruka…_

“I don’t want to.” Rin growls through clenched teeth. He shifts, sitting up in bed and looking down back at Makoto. “Seriously, do you even think that’s a good idea? You are cheating on Haru WITH me, Makoto.”

An inkling of sorrow takes over those green eyes, breaking eye contact with Rin as his words hesitated for a second. “I-I know that, Rin. But he’s asking so many questions I can’t answer and I can tell he knows something already,” The tone of his voice is too vulnerable, too unbearable. “If you want this to keep happening, you need to help me out.”

They stare at each other for a while, each with their own new realizations. This game that they play is already counting its victims, pulling them together into something that could only end in a disaster. They probably already know that, they are too aware this will not have a happy ending.

“Fine, I’ll go.” Rin wears a threatening frown, but in one swift movement he leans forward and seals his answer with a kiss. He eats his anger, bites his jealousy and decides to keep playing.

Tangling themselves into each other, this ship is already sinking. While Makoto is trying so hard to swim away, to save himself, Rin keeps pulling him down with him. Saltwater burning and blinding them both, they keep sinking into their own disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to post this but... well... I am here, in front of my computer with the file ready so... yeah :D Be happy!!!!
> 
> Btw, Ooops... yeah, I love One Piece and I needed a cook/baker to meet Haru so (instead of creating an OC) I decided to use Sanji because he's my baby and I love him with all my heart. Lol.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	11. In avoidance of any argument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I am posting this chapter from my cellphone :') Hope it doesn't get the format ruined or something. Enjoy!

It has been raining the entire day, although Haruka hasn't seen much of it because he has been inside for almost all of it. When he hears the doorbell ring, he realizes he has been spacing out again, in front of the oven, too deep in his own thoughts to even notice there’s nothing left to be arranged for that night’s dinner. Haruka unrolls his sleeves, buttoning the cuffs one by one. His blue eyes fly up to the ceiling, wondering if Makoto would be out of their room soon to greet their newly arrived guest or if he would have to go through the hassle and open the door himself.

Then the doorbell rings again and Haruka lets a heavy sigh out. After crossing the kitchen and walking by the living room, Haruka’s hand lands on the front door’s doorknob. He opens the door and greeted by a sight of red. Dressed in gray pants, a supposed-to-be white shirt and a black cardigan, Rin stands by the door with his trademark grin and an umbrella in hand.

“Yo,” Rin says, a competitive fire burning within those red orbs but Haruka’s too distracted by the pouring rain falling behind his guest to even notice. “Are you gonna let me in or do I have to stand on your porch all night?”

“It’s not like you have anything better to do,” Haruka teases, stepping to the side and allowing Rin to pass through.

Rin’s eyes twitches. “Woah, dick.” he said, closing him umbrella and walking in.

Haruka shrugs once the door gets closed and guides Rin all the way back to the kitchen. After excusing himself, Haruka goes back to the oven and opens the door. The pleasant sight of an already ready Smoked Mackerel Carbonara waiting to be served. Looking over his shoulder, Haruka looks back at a cross-armed Rin. “Hand me the oven mitt.”

“Sure, sure.” Rin rolls his eyes and does as he is told. He finds the oven mitt on the counter and crosses the kitchen with one question in mind. As he gets on his knees next to the blue-eyed male and hands him the mitt, Rin brings himself to ask. “So, where’s Makoto?”

“He’s upstairs, changing,” Haruka explains while taking the dish out of the oven. Standing up, he catches himself staring back at the ceiling. His mind takes off and wonders if Makoto taking too long. “He got olive oil all over his nice shirt when he was trying to help with dinner.”

“That klutz,” Rin snorts. “I don’t know, Haru. I am actually glad he wasn’t involved in the cooking process. I am too young to die from food poisoning.”

The ghost of a smirk drifts across Haruka’s lips. In a silent arrangement, Haruka and Rin begin dressing the table for dinner. Exchanging a casual small talk, they forget about the third male and enjoy each other’s company. At some point, they move their conversation to couch and talk about the many things they both forgot they had in common. The front door can be seen from where Haruka is sitting and suddenly he remembers the day Rin had showed up to their door, a crying mess, sobbing over and over that Sousuke had broken up with him.

Rin raises an eyebrow at Haruka’s sudden silence and study those azure orbs, a sea of blue, serious eyes holding worry. Before Rin could even find his voice and speak, he hears Haruka’s voice raising back from their pause.

“Are you alright, Rin?”

The unexpected question leaves Rin blinking multiple times before frowning in confusion. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s been over a month,” Haruka continues without answering that last question. Instead, he focuses back on Rin, carefully analyzing those confused ruby eyes staring back at him. “Makoto mentioned that you’re still struggling and… and I understand. I worry too, Rin. I’m here for you.”

Crimson eyes go wide in understanding and, when his emotions become overpowering, he has to move his gaze to the floor. Shame and guilt floods Rin’s body from head to toe. “A-ah, I am fine. I am doing… alright,” He tries to sound casual but, even a glimpse from Haru’s sincere expression is strong enough to make Rin’s lips tremble. If only Haruka knew that Rin has been able to make it through just because he had Makoto’s lips and body to keep his mind entertained enough to forget about his heart ache and Sousuke’s absence. “I—well, it takes time. I’ll get better.”

Completely unaware of the betrayal and deception that awaits him, Haruka listens carefully to whatever Rin has to say. He has never been good with words or finding the right things to say at the right time. Haruka doesn’t know how to comfort others, but he’s really trying with Rin. “When… something bothers me, when I’m not feeling good, I try to distract myself with something,” Haruka begins, voice soft and quiet. “Cooking is my outlet, working on different mackerel-based recipes keeps my mind away from those dark places I tend to fall into. It keeps me sane, it helps me forget for at least a little while.”

There’s something unusual in Haruka’s words, making Rin’s eyes rise from the floor and land on a very distant man. Staring at Haruka is like staring into a million secrets waiting to be told, like contemplating a forbidden book’s cover and wishing you could read its content. Instantly, he wonders if Haruka knows about him and Makoto, if he had known all along. Just when he’s about to voice his confusion, Rin's ears catch the sound of Makoto coming down the stairs.

The moment and the opportunity are gone.

“Sorry for making you both wait,” Makoto walks into the living room dressed in brown and orange, black-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. He smiles sweetly at the two man sitting on the couch. “I was having a hard time matching this sweater with any of the pants I owe.”

A flash of heat makes the room feel tighter and Rin doesn’t realize he’s staring. He is speechless by the way those clothes hug Makoto’s muscular frame as if they were crafted specifically for him. Rin admires the way Makoto’s messy brown hair fell softly across his forehead, making him want to tangle his fingers through it.

And those glasses, oh, those black-rimmed glasses! Rin’s ultimate weakness. There’s something about them that just make Makoto look even more attractive than he already is. Rin is sure his face has turned red as a prickly heat wraps itself around his ears.

“Didn’t we got you a new pair of black jeans last weekend?” Haruka asks from the other side of the couch and Rin snaps out of his thoughts instantly.

Makoto chuckles and scratches his cheek nervously. “I guess you’re right but I couldn’t find them either.” Taking a seat next to Haruka, he wraps his arm around his boyfriend and pulls him closer just to kiss his cheek. “Maybe they are hidden in one of your drawers, I didn’t check there.”

“Why would they be hidden in my drawers?” Haruka blushes slightly but looks away to hide his embarrassment from his boyfriend. “You probably left the shopping bag in the car’s trunk, like you always do.”

Just like glass, Rin’s heart cracks at the sight before his fragile scarlet eyes. It hurts, watching how Haruka rests his head on Makoto’s shoulder. Haruka’s careful fingers find their way to entangle themselves with Makoto’s, stealing the hand Rin’s loves to hold when they lay alone in bed. Rin’s breath hitches in his throat and he tries so hard not to let this weakness reflect on his face.

He’s jealous. He’s is so jealous of him, of them—of their love. There’s no way in hell Rin’s going to let Haruka keep what he wants without fighting first.

*

Their dinner begins not too long after; the table is full of food and three seats are taken. Makoto and Haruka are sitting one across the other while Rin sat himself strategically next to Makoto. Rin has been awfully quiet since Makoto made his appearance in the living room, dealing with a mind full of noise and hurtful thoughts. Wine red eyes watch how the couple exchange meaningful glances, keeping their conversation alive as they go over their busy days.

As Rin eats his carbonara in silence, Makoto and Haruka’s attention is back on their guest. Exchanging concerned glances of green and blue, the couple finds it quite unusual for Rin to remain quiet for this long. Usually, is almost impossible to shut Rin up. He could go on and on, talking about anything and everything that crossed his mind. But today things were quite unusual Haruka looks back to his boyfriend, asking him with a simple glance to do something.

Makoto clears his throat, playing with the neck of his turtleneck sweater as he then looks back to Rin. He doesn’t know why he’s so hesitant, having trouble finding how to break the silence the redhead has established on the table. Makoto tries his best, smiling as bright as ever, and places his hand on Rin’s shoulder. “So Rin, how have you been?”

Rin looks back at Makoto and throws a smirk at him. “Why are you asking? I thought that after all the things we did yesterday, it was pretty obvious I’m perfectly fine.”

Makoto’s smile drops from his face as soon as he hears Rin’s speak, panic obvious in his already pale face. That remark came out of nowhere. He pulls his hand away from Rin’s shoulder, as if it had been burnt. Rin’s sharp-toothed smirk gets wider, proud of the reaction he has gotten from Makoto.

Haruka’s eyebrows raise up his forehead, confusion and a glimpse of fright crosses his eyes. There is something in Rin’s voice that makes Haruka feel uneasy. “Excuse me?”

“We watched a movie together, ate chips and talked for hours.” Rin lifts his chopstick in the air to eat but pauses and glances over at Haruka, tilting his head with pretended innocence. “You know, the type of things best friends do when they are alone.”

Alone. A word had never felt so treasonous. Haruka doesn’t realize he’s already glaring at Rin.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Haru?” Rin teases but doesn’t get a response from the blue-eyed man who now shoves food angrily inside his mouth.

“R-Rin, I don’t think you should—” Makoto tries to change the route of this conversation, but Rin has another plan in mind and raises his voice over his.

“Oh! Makoto, remember that scene from the movie we watched last night?” Rin asks after punching his best friend’s shoulder playfully. Makoto opens his mouth, he tries to speak, but no words comes out because they didn’t watch a movie the day before and he had no idea what Rin is trying to do. Rin throws his attention back to Haruka, smiling mischievously at him when Haruka is clearly uncomfortable on the other side of the table. “Ok, Haru. So there was this scene where two girls are fighting over a guy.”

Haruka and Makoto are both silent, eyes focused on their guest. There’s a fear in common reflecting on their faces— both afraid of whatever Rin is about to say next.

Rin wraps his arm around Makoto’s shoulder and brings him closer, laughing at a joke that hasn’t been told yet. Makoto tenses up against Rin’s chest, his worried emerald eyes land on Haruka instantly and he doesn’t even know what to think. Rin ignores the tension in the air and continues. “Then one of the girls turns towards the clueless guy and does something like this.”

Makoto’s mind goes blank the moment Rin’s hand finds its way up on his forehead, long fingers making their way through his messy brown locks and brushing them back. Makoto’s forehead is completely exposed, just like his wide eyes and the evident panic embodied on his face. Haruka’s features are corrupted by a visible deception flashing through his eyes. Frozen, Haruka doesn’t even blink when his mouth drops open.

Rin’s mischievous eyes gleam with delight at the sight before him. “Then she looks at the other girl and warns her that she going to steal the man from her.” A sweet poisonous smile seeps onto his face and the pleasure of Haruka’s reaction is his sign of victory.

Haruka knows that expression, he recognizes the fire burning passionately within Rin’s eyes. It’s a rivalry Rin hold firmly against him, a feeling that Haruka thought no longer existed. The way Rin holds Makoto, touching him with a familiarity that twists his mouth into a scowl— crimson eyes bragging about a secret Haruka couldn’t name. Nothing makes sense, Haruka can’t understand why this all hurts the way it does.

No warning follows Haruka when he pushes his chair back and stands up. Idly, Haruka wipes his mouth with a napkin and turns away. “I’ve lost my appetite.” He mutters before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving both Rin and Makoto by themselves at the table.

“Oh c’mon, Haru,” Rin calls him, making no effort on leaving the table as he cracks into an uncontrollable laughter that really seems out of place. “I was just messing with you.”

Yet, Rin’s laughter dies shortly after when Makoto’s anger steps in. He swings his arm up, slapping Rin’s hand away from him. Clenching his teeth at his lover, those green eyes narrowed and brows furrowed.

“What the heck is wrong with you, Rin?!” Makoto snaps, his voice uncharacteristically harsh. “What were you thinking!? That wasn’t funny!”

Rin’s smirk trembles at the edges when he meets with Makoto’s exasperation, a side of him he isn’t ready to face. Finding out that someone as nice and gentle like Makoto could get this mad wasn’t a pleasant surprise. “Chill out, Mako,” He assures, too stubborn to recognize he had gone too far. “We're friends, Haru needs to understand that it’s okay for friends to touch each other.”

“But you clearly did this on purpose!” Makoto snarls, his shoulders tensing up at Rin’s sickening behavior. He stands up and his chair falls backwards against the floor. He leans over Rin and his shadow covers Rin’s shocked form like a blanket. “You made Haru uncomfortable, even after he spent his whole day off planning this dinner and worrying about you!”

Rin’s eyes go wide and the realization of his mistake weighs down on him. The look of betrayal taking over Makoto’s sweet features will haunt him forever. Trembling lips won’t keep his smirk any longer and now, in shame, he looks away.

“I can’t believe you.” Makoto leaves the table and makes his way into the kitchen.

Alone at the table, Rin stares at his clenched fists and witnesses his knuckles turning white. Victim of many emotions washing over him at once, Rin slaps a hand over his eyes and lets a growl out. Frustration is the first feeling to strike down, followed by anger and an intense jealousy blistering every fiber of his being.

Why? Why would Haruka always get what Rin wants without even trying?! It’s so unfair! It drives him mad!

He is mad, so mad at Sousuke for stop loving him— for making him ever wonder if someone would ever love him again. He’s irritated, so exasperated when he realizes Makoto will never choose him over Haruka and this feeling stings like a motherfucker. Slamming his napkin on his partially full plate, Rin stands up and storms out the house without saying ‘goodbye’.

*

Things have been quiet in the Tachibana-Nanase household for the past couple days and, as Makoto sits on the couch, he stares at his phone and lets his mind wander. Ever since their dinner fiasco, Makoto hasn’t heard anything about Rin and he doesn’t know if he should feel relieved or truly hurt. Even though he had already time to cool down his head, Makoto can’t still believe to what extent Rin had been willing to go to in order to piss off Haruka.

Haruka’s hurt expression still haunts him every time he closes his eyes, leaving a bittersweet aftertaste everytime he catches himself thinking of Rin. It scares him, just thinking about the risks Rin could take now that he has nothing to lose— it leaves Makoto feeling overwhelmed. Rin had already lost Sousuke, but Makoto’s relationship with Haruka was still at play.

Is it even worth it?

Gentle arms surprise him by hugging him from behind, making him jump on his spot and quickly look over his shoulder. For a brief second, he is expecting to meet with the pair of ruby eyes but his surprise is evident when he’s greeted by a beautiful shade of blue that leaves him breathless.

“H-Haru—?”

“I’ve been calling your name over and over for the last minute,” Haruka says, flashing a rare, charming smile that makes Makoto’s heart do funny things. There’s a pause in the air between them and a wave of unusual shyness washes over Haruka’s features. “I… I thought we could go out for dinner tonight.”

It’s doesn’t come out as a suggestion— rather, it is a proposal, and it makes Makoto’s stomach feel like it's full of bubbles. “R-really?” And Makoto needs to ask because it has been years since the last time Haruka willingly suggested to go out for dinner.

And Haruka nods, biting his lower lip nervously before continuing. “Yeah, um, I made reservations at L’Osier for 7:30.”

Makoto smiles, he smiles wider than he has smiled in a while, feeling like a little kid finding out that he is going to Walt Disney World. “I-I’ve been wanting to go there! How did you know?”

The happiness in Makoto’s eyes warms Haruka’s heart, and he allows himself to curl his lips again and match his boyfriend’s smile. “I saw you looking at the menu on your phone the other day and looked it up,” Haruka’s hands slide down Makoto’s arm, letting his touch linger. “It got really nice reviews and, I don’t know, I want to try it too.”

Makoto’s chest tightens and the panic rising through his chest erases the smile off his lips.

_His phone._

_Shit!_

By mere reflex, Makoto presses his phone against his chest and hides it away from his boyfriend’s view. His mind is suddenly oversaturated with alarming thoughts. Has Haruka been noticing when he’s on his phone? Has he seen his texts with Rin?! No, that couldn’t be. If Haruka knew about them, then he wouldn't be smiling at him now, would he?

A finger is pressed against his neck and Makoto snaps him out of his thoughts almost immediately.

“Makoto,” Haruka’s voice is inked with confusion. “What are those?”

“What are you tal—?” But Makoto’s mind shuts down instantly.

He knows, he remembers. There’s four red hickeys clearly visible on his neck, love bites marking him from the last time he shared a bed with Rin. He can almost hear the blood rushing through his veins and his heart aches with guilt. The awful feeling of shame crawls up on his stomach and everything seems to turn gray.

His skin begins to pale and his hands are already sweaty. With so many thoughts rushing through his head, there is only one thing that makes it out of his lips. “O-oh, those,” A nervous laugh follows. “I got injured at work again. A box fell on his shoulder when I was putting some stuff away in the backroom. I-it’s something silly but, you know, I am such a klutz.”

Haruka is too busy drawing circles around Makoto’s marks to notice the panic flashing on his boyfriend’s face. It’s normal that Haruka doesn’t react to them; being someone who hasn’t given or received a hickey before, he doesn’t even know how bite marks are supposed to look. "Oh, you should be more careful." And, gently, he smiles before pressing a kiss on the most notorious mark of all.

It’s nearly impossible to describe the amount of shame that now fills Makoto’s whole being. Haruka is kissing the marks another man left on his body, probably thinking it is a sweet gesture but it accidentally became Makoto’s wake up call. How could he be so selfish when Haruka is trying so hard to be what Makoto thinks he wants in a partner? Haruka, someone who can’t be labeled as ‘romantic’, is trying to keep their relationship alive.

Makoto feels empty and so, so dirty.

How could he do this to Haruka? Why is he cheating on him with his best friend?!

Haruka’s behavior plages him and helps him realize just how much he still loves him—every little bit of him. Makoto loves Haruka far too much to allow himself to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to him.

With this thought in mind, Makoto slips out Haruka’s arms and stands up. Haruka blinks in confusion, straightening his back up and staring at Makoto’s worried green eyes. He’s about to break their unexpected silence with a question or two but, when Makoto erases the distance between the two and brings him into a warm embrace, he finds himself speechless and very surprised.

“I-I love you, Haru,” Makoto’s eyes are tightly shut, his voice trembles but there’s nothing that can stop the blame from killing him slowly. Even hugging him feels wrong and he’s afraid of staining Haruka’s pure heart.

Surprised, Haruka brings himself to hug him back. His hand slides slowly down Makoto’s back as he finds comfort with his chin resting on his boyfriend’s left shoulder. Allowing himself to smile, Haruka closes his eyes and focuses on Makoto’s respiration. “I do too,” he begins, “I love you, Makoto.”

And there they were, the words he had been hoping to hear for far too many years. Words he thought would melt his heart only to find them burning him down to fall under all his misery. He failed Haruka, he really did.  
Makoto’s whole body trembles.  
No, he can’t afford to lose Haruka. This little white lie needs to come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just moved to our new house like... yesterday. My laptop and PC are still packed and I can't feel my legs :')
> 
> I will keep this short. Thanks for the support and I love you all!
> 
> Let's chat on Tumblr!  
> Ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	12. Become a stranger in my own front room

It’s early in the morning, that cold Wednesday, when Haruka stands by himself in front of a jeweler's window. Blue, distant, eyes admire the diamonds and sapphires displayed behind the glass. His mind wanders back to a pair of green eyes that make his heart sing.

It’s been awhile now, so long since the first time Haruka realized that his relationship with Makoto was slowly shifting. Distant looks, less embraces, heavier silences— piling over Haruka’s shoulders and killing him slowly.

In his reflection on the glass before him, Haruka finds himself thinking how he can’t read Makoto’s eyes anymore. It’s like staring into a broken mirror; a fractured, warped, yet still whole soul that could no longer be reached.

Makoto is slipping away, escaping somewhere far away and leaving him behind. With fear inside his blue eyes, Haruka’s brows knit together and his tight fist shaking slightly. Flashes of red and green blur his memory, bringing a pang of pain and panic straight through his chest.

He’s afraid on Rin, of the type of ‘friendship’ he shares with Makoto, of the silent warning those red eyes had sent his way— like telling him to hurry up, that his time was running out and to protect what he loves before it is too late.

He knows it’s time, he needs to change his approach and do something more significant to show Makoto how he feels about him. With his insecurities still hanging over his head, Haruka convinces himself this is a good idea, he convinces himself that it's time to enter the store and save their relationship with a golden ring.

*

Rin shouldn’t have checked Sousuke’s social media accounts, he shouldn’t have let his insatiable curiosity win over reason because the pain that now runs through his veins is unmanageable. His heart is out of place, staring at the picture that awakened his own misery.

It was an innocent photograph not meant to be found. Sousuke and Kisumi hanging out at Bluebird’s, sharing some drinks and having fun together. No compromises, no significant others to hold them over, just two friends enjoying a relaxing evening together with no strings attached.

With a glass of whiskey halfway gone, Rin’s index finger draws circles around Sousuke’s face on his cellphone’s screen. He can’t tear his eyes away from the smile marking those lips he used to kiss, a smile he hasn’t seen in so long. He can’t remember when was the last time Sousuke smiled that way when they were together. Hiding his drunken eyes behind his forearm, Rin wonders if maybe he can’t recall that memory because he’s too drunk to think straight.

Sousuke’s happiness hurts Rin so badly. It stings like an unexpected slap, like the constant reminder that he will never be loved. He places his phone back on the table, facing down, slides it forward and away from his sight. He gulps down the rest of his drink and stands up, ready to fill his glass with more.

Stumbling over his own feet, Rin finds his way to the kitchen and puts his hands on the first bottle that crosses his way. His hands are shaking, holding an unsteady grip as he pours more whiskey into his glass. He spills half of the beverage down onto the floor, yet he doesn’t seem to care. Twelve roses, that have already given in to the passage of time, stare back at Rin from a flower vase on the other side of the counter.

There’s nothing left to bleed, Rin thinks because he has been broken for the longest time. He licks the base of his hand, following a drop of whiskey all the way down his arm.

There’s a bitter taste lingering on the back of his throat, something that not even the alcohol could get rid of. He tries to drown it away with more whiskey, but it only ends up accentuating his own frustrations. His annoyance comes back to life, taking him back to that stupid dinner from a week ago that ended up in a disaster.

_Makoto._   
  
_Oh, stupid Makoto!_

Still unable to get over is jealousy towards Haruka, Rin slams his empty glass into the counter and grabs the whole bottle instead. Placing the tip of the bottle against his lower lip, Rin starts chugging the alcohol down his burning throat. He shuts his eyes tightly, aware that his heart won’t let him be because it's stuck on the memory of Makoto.

Those words that Makoto said to him before leaving the table, the rejection Rin experienced when he was left alone with a cold dinner on his plate — It all burns deep within him, reminding him that Makoto’s heart still belongs to another man.

But why? WHY?! Why did Rin fall in love with Makoto Tachibana?!

Of all the men in the world, he had to fall in love with his best friend. All his life, Rin has been trying to find the one, someone who loved him back. During three years, he thought that person was Sousuke just to find that it had all been a lie, a play of sweet words that wasn’t meant to be. Then, Makoto came back into the picture with his arms wide open and a sweet comforting smile on his lips. It happened so unexpectedly and now Rin can’t move on.

Rin feels like a kid holding a toy that isn’t his, hiding it from his rightful owner and wishing to go back in time to get it first, when he actually stood a chance. What Rin feels is an obsessive reality, just like a zombie, victim of what Makoto’s kindness had done to him.

Yet, Haruka…

Rin frowns bitterly, returning to the living room and dropping himself onto the black couch. He slides his hands up his forehead, brushing his red bangs backwards as an exasperated growl leaves his lips.

Rin can’t give Makoto up. He wants him, he needs him… he loves him!

“Haru doesn’t even love Makoto like I do,” His drunken words clash against the bottle before it finds its way back to his lips. “He can’t even pleasure him! That selfish bastard…”

The whiskey burns its way down Rin’s throat and a sudden idea crosses his mind. He pulls the bottle away from his lips, staring at the floor with a pair of wide crimson eyes processing a whole new scenario. Three seconds of silence and Rin doesn’t realize he’s laughing out loud.

He’s already back on his unsteady feet, chuckling at this whole disaster. “Fuck it, I’ll just… take Mako from Haru. I’ll make him mine,” he says and the widest smirk pulls up on his lips. “I’ll prove both of them that I can love him better than anyone!”

Erratic steps find their way down the hall, taking Rin to where his keys and shoes sat by the door. Right when his hand landed on the doorknob, Rin catches a glimpse of his reflection on the mirror by the door and he can’t recognize the man staring back at him.

“Who are you?” Rin asks himself in a whisper. He's losing himself, reacting solely on instinct, his need for becoming the most important person in Makoto’s life. He doesn’t care if his actions are endangering a relationship that was made to last. He just wants to win, he’s selfish enough to ignore the red flags flashing all around him. Rin just wants to be loved one more time.

His question is never answered, Rin leaves the apartment with his mind made up. He can’t listen to reason, not now, because his heart makes up for what’s missing.

*

On the outside, Haruka Nanase seems to be very confident of himself— an independent man who doesn't care what others may think of him. He always has this cool and mysterious aura surrounding him, inspiring curiosity from whoever saw him walking by. He’s a silent man, someone who holds onto his own opinion. Yet, what nobody knows is that behind that stoic expression, there’s a vulnerable man that actually cares. He cares, especially if it’s regarding Makoto Tachibana’s opinion of him.

  
Haruka had never felt self conscious of his body before, not even a tiny bit. He had always been skinny, because he has a very peculiar diet of mackerel and rice, and not even working in a bakery would make him gain a single pound. Yet, his slim figure wasn’t enough to ease his insecurities around the man he loves.

He had seen it in the way Makoto talked about Rin, in the way he sneaks glances at him when he thinks that Haruka isn’t looking. He’s not blind and notices how those green eyes travel down Rin’s toned body. Though it might be an unconscious gesture, an innocent reaction, Haruka can’t help but feel slightly insecure of his soft stomach. Yes, his body is not as toned as it was before and he never thought it would matter between them, but all the attention Makoto has been giving Rin recently is making these toxic feelings so hard to swallow.

Behind Makoto’s back, Haruka signed up to the gym downtown, visiting it at least three times a week while Makoto was out for work or busy with other things. He hates going to the gym— all the annoying interactions he’s forced to have with strangers every time he goes, and the stares he gets in the locker room when he walks around shamelessly in his DeepSea Crossing boxers— it’s bothersome!

He’s done lifting weights for the day; drying his forehead with his white towel when a glimpse of teal catches his attention from the corner of his eyes. He turns around instantly, surprised by this unexpected encounter, and meeting with Sousuke’s gaze already on him.

It doesn’t take long before they are standing one foot away from each other— Sousuke’s unreadable eyes study Haruka’s silence with a predator’s unwavering attention. Haruka frowns unconsciously, victim of an uncharacteristic nervousness flooding through his mind and body. Of all the people living in Tokyo, Haruka wasn’t expecting to cross paths with Sousuke this soon.

“Nanase.” Sousuke’s slow and meticulous voice seems distant in Haruka’s ears.

“Yamazaki…”

Things get awkward between them almost instantly, friends that used to be close are now strangers with so many questions in their minds. There’s something different in the way Sousuke is looking down at him, some kind of unnamed feeling that brings Haruka’s anxiety up to the surface and force him to look away.

“How have you been?” Haruka asks, deadpanned voice hides his honest curiosity for the other man's well being. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

Sousuke shrugs with a hand already scratching the back of his neck. “I’ve been alright, I guess.” He admits, allowing himself to relax his shoulders right after. “Being single isn’t as depressing as everyone has been making it out to be.”

Haruka nods absently with mixed feelings taking over his heart. It bothers him; the fact that Sousuke seems so unaffected by the end of his relationship with Rin bothers Haruka very much. It might be because he doesn’t know Sousuke as much as he knows Rin, or maybe because it has been over a month since the event happened, but Haruka still can hear Rin’s loud sobs echoing through his memories.

Unconsciously, he clenches his fists and feels the sudden urge to be upset at Sousuke. But, as he finds the courage to meet with Sousuke’s gaze, his frown disappears when he sees a part of himself reflected inside those teals eyes. It’s like looking into a mirror, meeting with all the insecurities that had been chasing him lately— like acknowledging that feeling burning deep down in his heart, all those red lights flashing and warning him about something cruel and unstoppable.

Haruka’s heart drops and all he wants is to do is run away.

“G-good. I’m glad,” His eyes are back on the floor after slinging the white towel over his shoulder. Haruka clears his throat and hurries his way past Sousuke, leaving no room for cordiality. “It was good seeing you, Yamazaki.”

“Wait,” Sousuke turns, stopping Haruka with a firm grip on his wrist. Haruka stiffens almost immediately, his stubborn wide eyes still glued to the floor. Sousuke’s eyebrows knit together, unpleased by the sight before him. Where is the confident Haruka he used to know? Was he gone, broken, after finding out the same truth that tore him away from Rin? “How is Makoto doing?”

Haruka had never encountered a question as difficult as the one before, shaking his shoulders and bringing all his insecurities to the frontfort. His heart is beating at an alarming speed, facing all the little details he had been trying to ignore all along.

_How is Makoto doing? Why is he so distant lately? Why is he spending so much time with Rin? Why does it feels like there’s three of them in this relationship? Is he being paranoid? Are they doing alright?!_

“ _We’re_ doing great, M-Makoto and I,” But Haruka’s trembling voice tells another story. “Our relationship is good. Everything is fine between us.”

Haruka is trying to convince himself— that blindfold that has been covering his eyes for so long wants to stay right where it is. Sousuke’s expression softens, meeting with a reminder of the man he used to be. The results of Rin and Makoto’s selfishness is standing right in front of him, crumbling in fear, victim of two men gambling with his trust.

Realizing that Haruka is right where he stood before hurts him, it frustrates him and that’s when Sousuke lets go of Haruka’s wrist. There’s silence hovering between them but none of them move, knowing that this encounter is far from being over.

Sousuke knows that he has many flaws, he isn’t perfect and was far from being the best partner Rin could have, but being humiliated wasn’t something he deserved. Haruka is the reflection of his past staring back at him.

  
“You should… probably check Makoto’s phone once you get home,” Sousuke begins in a soft tone Haruka has never heard before and it makes him shiver. Haruka turns around and faces Sousuke. “Just because you think you know someone doesn't mean they don't hide things from you.”

Haruka feels like he’s running out of breath with a numb heart and his head pounding. All his fears rise, dragging his heart like a wild wave in the ocean— swelling and taking everything he ever thought he possessed. His fears are back; the memories of Makoto’s unreadable eyes strike him like a thunder and his head feels like it's about to explode. He raises the walls around his heart, his defensive side showing as soon as his vulnerability threatened to escape from his eyes. "Just because something happened with Rin— !"

"What happened between me and Rin, can happen to you too, Nanase,” Sousuke interrupts him in the most gentle way he could. He understands Haruka’s pain, he understands why Haruka gets so defensive. If someone had told Sousuke before that Rin was cheating on him, he wouldn’t have believed them either. “It can happen to anyone.”

But what exactly happened between Sousuke and Rin? Haruka remembers asking Makoto about it, getting a vague response instead. Makoto just acted like he didn’t know anything about it.

But Makoto knows, he has to know. Makoto is Rin’s best friend. Of course he knows!

No words are exchanged for almost a minute, a minute they both spend in silence just staring back at the other. Haruka had never seen Sousuke looking the way he does now— so tired and sad, a sadness that Sousuke does not necessarily feel for his own person— leaving Haruka with an uncertainty he had never felt before.

“Please,” Sousuke’s voice comes almost like a whisper. “Just check his phone, Nanase.”

Haruka can tell that there’s something Sousuke knows about Makoto, something that brings panic into his beating heart. Overwhelmed with rushing emotions and flickering images, Haruka takes a step backwards. His towel falls to the floor and, before he and Sousuke can exchange another glance, Haruka turns on his heels and runs out of the scene without even a ‘goodbye’.

Watching Haruka disappear through the door leaves Sousuke with a conflicted heart and mixed feelings taking over his teal orbs. He had never been too close to Haruka—heck, he used to only speak to Haruka because he is Rin’s friend— but nothing can stop him for doing what he thinks is the right thing to do.

He’s frowning again, knowing that he’s pushed Haruka down a road that only leads to heartbreak. It’s a hard position to be in, knowing that he doesn’t want Haruka to be taken advantage of anymore but aware that finding out that Makoto has been cheating on him will destroy Haruka’s heart instantly.

Taking a deep breath, Sousuke closes his eyes and tries to stop his mind from going any further. He picks up Haruka’s towel from the floor and walks toward the nearest set of weights waiting to be lifted. Sousuke warned Rin before, told him that Makoto should come clean and tell Haruka about their affair. Apparently he never did. And that’s why Sousuke doesn’t feel guilty for throwing them both under the bus.

Just before he grabbed his first weight, Sousuke stops and bites his lower lip. Hesitating for half a second, he takes his cellphone out and searches for Haruka’s name among his contact information. After finding it, he shoots him a quick text and starts his work out right after.

_I’m here, if you need anything._

*

Alone with his thoughts, Makoto is laying on the couch. With his turned off phone in hand, his eyes are lost staring at nothingness as he fights with his own fears. It’s been awhile since he had convinced himself to break ties with Rin, to put an end to the affair that is killing them both slowly. But he’s a coward, he’s afraid of turning his phone back on and face the source of his conflicted feelings. He’s afraid of his own weakness, knowing that he’ll fall right back into Rin’s arms if he even heard him speak.

How long can he go on avoiding his phone? How long can he ignore his commitments and leave Rin without a ride to work? How long can this last before Haruka starts asking questions again?

Makoto feels like he’s about to snap, so tense and nervous, like all his mistakes were already turning against him and ready to bite him back. He can’t do this any longer, he can’t deal with all this mess and broken emotions any longer. He’s better off cutting this at the root and putting an end to his suffering.

As he sits back on the couch, Makoto’s wonders if Haruka would ever believe him if he tried to admit his guilt and explain himself from the beginning?

He’s too lost in his uncertain fate and indomitable fears, that only the loud pounding on his door is able to bring him back to reality. He’s confused at first, unsettled by the arrival of the unannounced guest, but he places his phone over the coffee table and leaves the couch. When his hand reaches the doorknob and he twists it open, his whole world stops as he met with Rin Matsuoka’s wide smirk.

“Oi, Makoto,” Rin sings as he tries to keep himself from chuckling. He takes a step forward and stops the door with his foot when Makoto tries to close it on him. Holding the door with his left hand, Rin pushes it open and forces Makoto to take several steps back in the act. “Just who do you think you are? I’ve been waiting for an apology for over a week. You piss me off!”

“A-ah, Rin!” Makoto’s legs bumps the side of the couch, making him almost trip backwards as Rin follows after him with long strides.The almost non-existance distance between them disappears when Rin’s hands fall heavily on Makoto’s shoulders.

“Are you avoiding me?” Rin presses his forehead against Makoto’s and feels him shiver under his touch. How cute!

Makoto tries to maintain their eye contact, but fails after three heartbeats when his lips start trembling and his gaze drops down to his feet. “I-I’m not avoiding you at all.”

“But you are! Aren’t you being too egocentric?!” Rin snaps at the other, slurring his words and unsteady on his feet. His full weight is resting against Makoto’s body and the grip on his shoulders hasn't lessened. Makoto turns away from Rin; the scent of alcohol on his breath was pungent.

_This is bad! This is bad! This is really bad!!_

“Rin, you’re drunk,” Makoto insists, his hand now presses against Rin’s chest in an attempt of keeping him from getting closer. Haruka’s face flashes with his most precious memories and Makoto knows this needs to come to an end, now. “Please, stop. I can’t do this anymore, we’re over!”

“You’re fucking insane!” And, in an unexpected turn of events, he pushes Makoto down into the couch, straddling his lap and holding him like an anchor to keep him in place. “I dare you to look me in the eyes and tell me we’re over!”

  
The shock leaves Makoto speechless just as his eyes finally land back on Rin’s. There’s something so addictive in the way Rin is looking down at him, pinning him in place, keeping him where he belongs. His heart is out of control, beating in fear as the realizes he can’t resist Rin. He’s back to square one, exactly where Rin wants him to be— back in the same position he was when this game started. “W-we are...”

Rin is quick and notices the lust rising in Makoto’s face. A pleased smile spreads across lips, revealing his sharp pointy teeth. “You know what this is. You are just avoiding the issue,” Rin leans forward, whispering seductively against Makoto’s left ear. “You’re falling in love with me, aren’t you?”

Makoto’s entire body tenses and he swallows thickly. “W-what—?”

Rin’s hand slides beneath the fabric of Makoto’s pants, earning a moan from him and a victory hum from himself. His lips trace the shell of Makoto’s ear, licking their way down his neck just to tease him. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Mako,” A smirk plays its role on Rin’s lips as he pulls away just to look back down into Makoto’s wide eyes. “Because… I fell in love with you a long time ago.”

Rin closes the distance between them, capturing Makoto’s lips in a kiss full of hunger and frustrated desires. The shock pulsing through Makoto’s veins makes him almost pull away from the kiss but, as Rin’s tongue pushes its way into his mouth, his mind shuts down instantly. Their bodies are pressed one against the other, their chests heave up and down together in efforts to get some air into their lungs without breaking their kiss.

Both Rin and Makoto are so lost in their kiss, tasting each other after a whole week of abstinence, that they forget that the front door has been wide open this entire time. Haruka standing under the door frame, he has been standing there all along. With shattered dreams, tears trailing down his face, and a broken heart Haruka can’t do anything but stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, sorry it took me long on replying to the comments received in the last chapter. It has been a busy couple of weeks for me in my new home :'D Painting, ripping old carpets and laminating the floor sounds easier and faster than it actually is. 
> 
> And now... well... it looks like this story is reaching its boiling point with a nice cliffhanger...
> 
> Please don't kill me :'D
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	13. I can't find him so tell me where has the old you gone?

Standing still, Haruka remains silent with his eyes fixed on the couple making out on the couch he once thought was his favorite spot in the entire house. His tears keep falling, yet he does not register them sliding down his cheeks. This pain he is feeling is way too real, a physical and emotional torture, opening deep wounds into his heart not even time will be able to erase.

The man he shared his life with, the one he opened his heart to, tossed everything they were into the trash the moment he dared to kiss back and moan into Rin Matsuoka’s lips. Haruka feels like if his soul is in fire, watching the end of what he thought was an everlasting love, while he just burns down in flames.   
  
All the signs had been there in front of him, waiting to be noticed, but he had chosen to close his eyes and ignore them instead. Haruka understands, it all makes sense now, but the feeling of betrayal tastes like salt and emptiness. He watches Makoto melting into Rin’s lustful kiss so vividly it's almost pornographic. It hits him then, the echoes of Sousuke’s warning fall into place and give him a better idea of why Sousuke broke up with Rin. Those two ‘best friends’ had crossed the line and where having an affair behind their partner's’ back. No wonder why Makoto hasn’t asked for sex recently. Rin likes having sex. Rin has never had a problem talking about his feelings. Rin likes to go out. Rin stayed in better shape.   
  
His boyfriend’s name finds its way up Haruka’s throat and escape his lips in a broken whisper. “M-Makoto…?”   
  
And Rin’s spell on Makoto is broken instantly. Makoto’s head whips round towards the front door and, upon seeing Haruka, his heart sinks. Haruka has never seen Makoto this pale before, green eyes wide in horror, and so still that it was hard to tell if the man is still breathing. Rin, on the other hand, is just staring back at Haruka with drunken annoyance.

“What do you want, Haru?” Rin glares at the other male, carefully holding onto Makoto’s shoulders just to keep himself from falling forward. “Don’t you see we’re busy here?”

Haruka takes a sharp breath and holds it in, the air burning his lungs. He can’t take the sight in front of him any longer and, not knowing what else to do, he turns on his heels and storms out the door. He’s devastated.  
  
“H-Haru!” Makoto finally snaps out of his shock, but when he tries to leave the couch, he finds himself being pushed back down. Rin is staring down at him, holding him down in place like a shark cornering its prey.   
  
“Where do you think you’re going, Makoto?” Rin asks with a devious smirk on his lips. His thumb traces Makoto’s jawline, running his fingers down the exposed skin of his neck. “Why are you trying to go after him? Haru doesn’t love you like I do.”

As Rin leans forward to try and steal another kiss from Makoto’s lips, he’s surprised by two strong hands landing on his shoulders, pushing him away harshly. Rin’s breath gets stuck in his throat when he meets with a pair of uncharacteristically angry eyes glaring at him. “Get off me _now!_ ”

“M-Mako…?”

Makoto doesn’t hesitate any longer, he uses all his might and pushes Rin off his body. The redhead falls back first to the floor, too drunk and disoriented to comprehend exactly what is going on around him. Finally able to scramble off of the couch, Makoto stands up with his heart racing against his ribs and a million bad thoughts rushing through his mind.   
  
Green eyes fall instantly down to Rin’s body and his frustrations just comes out, spilling from his lips like venom. “This is not all about you, Rin!” Makoto yells at the verge of having a panic attack. “I don’t know where you got the wrong idea from, but Haruka is the love of my life and I can’t afford losing him over this mistake!”

And he runs out the door, leaving a wide eyed Rin Matsuoka on his hands and knees, trembling at those hurtful words echoing over and over inside his head. The pain in Rin’s chest is far too strong to sober him down and leave him at a loss for words. He slowly looks over his shoulder just to find out he has been left alone in a house that is not even his own.

_A mistake._

Rin has always been someone’s mistake, he had always given everything for someone who would just run away from him when things didn’t go the way they expected. He’s tired of hitting walls, of shivering and shaking with a broken heart. Closing his eyes tightly, Rin covers his mouth with one hand and tries really hard not to cry over a relationship that was not even meant to happen.

*

 

Haruka has never been the fastest runner around; he runs out of breath easily and tends to drag his feet while running. He’s meant to be in the kitchen, cooking and baking for living. Of course he’s going to be out of shape and an easy target to be reached, but Haruka wishes he could run as fast as his thoughts and the painful feelings spreading all over his numb body. He just wantsto disappear! To be out of sight and never come out anymore!  
  
“Haru!” Makoto’s voice echoes behind him, raising Haruka’s anxieties instantly and almost making him trip on his own foot. “H-Haru, wait!”

Haruka clenches his jaw tightly along with balling his fist.“Go away!” He yells back, cursing himself over and over for not being fast enough to escape the source of his heartache. Unable to focus his vision past his tears, Haruka closes his eyes tightly and lets a sob out. “P-please! Leave me alone!”

But Makoto has another plan in mind; he’s too stubborn to let a bad decision steal everything he has, and takes longer strides to catch up with him. His big hand clasps Haruka’s shoulder and pulls him back to stop him from running any longer. “J-just…!” He stumbles with his own words. “Just listen to me, please! I-I’m so… sorry!”

Makoto uses his grip on Haruka’s shoulder to his advantage and turns him around, meeting with a devastating look that freezes his heart on the spot. It has been a while since the last time Makoto had seen so many feelings overflowing those ocean eyes. Haruka, a man who is usually calm and  collected, is now so vulnerable and exposed behind his pouring tears. The hairs on the back of Makoto’s neck raise instantly.

There’s no response on Haruka’s part, his blue eyes now glued down to the ground as the only sound between them is the constant sobbing involuntarily leaving Haruka’s trembling lips. Makoto doesn’t know what to do with all the fears crawling over his spine.

“H-he is drunk,” The first excuse comes out and it feels utterly wrong and not strong enough to explain the million things he wanted to clear. “He came home looking for me a-and… I tried to stop him...”

Nothing. Makoto’s excuse was not enough to clear the doubts floating in Haruka’s head, so Haruka remains quiet instead.  
  
Makoto’s shoulders tense up and he can’t stop himself from babbling. “I-I swear, I…” But how to explain yourself when you know you have been wrong all along? “It… all happened so fast. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into! One day we accidentally k-kissed and—!”

_Shit!_ The truth is slipping out Makoto’s guilty heart, exposing him in tones he wasn’t even ready for. He can’t lie; he has never been a good liar. Yet, knowing that maybe he could turn in and save himself, he continues hesitantly. “I-I tried to be someone else, to... live dangerously thinking it would make my life m-more exciting but the thrills didn’t last.”

Tentatively, Makoto lets his hands slip down to Haruka’s and holds them dearly against his chest. “I c-can't tell you how ashamed I am.” Makoto’s eyebrows tremble in his effort to control his tears from blurring his eyes. “I thought... I could do it. I thought I could be _that_ guy but… t-then I realized that I couldn’t afford losing you and I got scared. S-so, so scared.”

Releasing a shaky breath, Haruka tries to pull his hands away from Makoto’s grip with barely any effort. Makoto is too stubborn to let Haruka’s hand break the grip that keeps their hands locked together. Haruka forces himself to hear Makoto’s excuses, to stay quiet for just a bit more, trying to find if anything could make sense now and save him from this heartache.

“N-now you’re crying for my stupid mistake and I—” Makoto goes on and on, his hands shaking uncontrollably, knowing quite well this crime has no valid excuse. “I will... not let this happen again, I will do so much better if you let me. I love y—”

“SHUT UP!” Haruka finally breaks, his voice choked with a sob. He yanks his hands away from Makoto’s grip and takes two steps backwards. Haruka’s head is spinning, overloaded with too many toxic emotions slowly suffocating him. “How can I believe you?! Y-you’ve been lying to me for so long!”

Haruka’s words come rushing out, his voice rising in pitch as hysteria threatens to grab a hold of him. Makoto falls into a shock-induced silence, witnessing Haruka breaking out in front of him in a way he has never seen before.   
  
The anger burning the air between them suddenly dissolves into sobs and sniffles leaving Haruka’s trembling body. He hugs himself, shutting his eyes tightly to keep back the tears. “How... could you do this to me? How could you say you love me when you kissed Rin back a couple minutes ago?” It comes out like a whispers, words directed more to himself than to Makoto. “I trusted you. I-I trusted you so much, Makoto...”

Those words hurt; they hurt Makoto more than anything. Makoto looks into Haruka’s eyes and knows that their time together is coming up to an end. There’s nothing more to be done or said— without Haruka’s trust, there’s not a thing out there left to save.  
   
Acting upon his last resort, Makoto breaks the distance between them and brings Haruka’s chest against his own. He steals a kiss from those pink lips, suspecting this might be the last kiss they will ever share.   
  
Haruka can sense this reality too, kissing him back almost immediately. He wraps his arms around Makoto’s neck and doesn’t hesitates before pouring his entire soul into their kiss. It’s the sweetest kiss they have ever shared, so meaningful and full of many unspoken fears, their lips will never be the same once they part one from the other.   
  
They're both terrified to begin what will ultimately be the end.

Haruka takes in a sharp breath as their lips break their connection; his arms slowly unwrap Makoto’s neck and slide their way down to his chest. They just stare at each other, green and blue eyes clogged in sour tears, unable to find the right words to end the silence that now reaches them both.  
  
Fighting the agony rising in his heart, Haruka caresses Makoto’s cheek with his trembling fingertips. “Your love is no longer enough,” he whispers.  
  
Makoto tries to keep his voice even as he feel the panic bubbling up inside him. “H-Haru…”  
  
“Please, go home.” Taking a step back, Haruka asks quietly. Even when Haruka’s tears had stopped falling, the puffy redness of his eyes remain as a reminder of the tears he'd shed. “I need to be alone.”  
  
Drowning in fear, Makoto takes a step forward but every step Haruka takes is in the opposite direction. He tries to reach Haruka’s hand but Haruka pulls it away from his grip just as their fingers brush. “Promise me that you'll come home too,” Makoto couldn’t tear his eyes from Haruka’s distant expression. With pleading eyes, he fought against his shaking lips. “W-whenever you’re ready, please come back home. _Please_.”

A nod is the only response Makoto gets from Haruka and soon he’s all alone under the starry night.

*

 

Laying on a black leather couch that had been his bed for the past month, Sousuke watches TV with a bored look inking his face. There’s nothing to watch in the local channels and nothing else to do in that one bedroom apartment. Sousuke frowns. He makes a mental note to let Kisumi know he’s getting them cable next month because living like this is almost intolerable.

Annoyed and already defeated, Sousuke lets out a loud sigh and tosses the remote control to the other side of the couch and just stares up at the ceiling.Trapped in boredom, there’s nothing else to do but let his mind wander to his early afternoon encounter.

The pain on Haruka’s face is still fresh in Sousuke’s memories— so palpable and relatable, so strong it leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. Missing the second where he starts frowning, Sousuke decides to roll on his side and face the back of the couch in a fail attempt to stop his mind from wandering into those dangerous places.

His cellphone beeps once, breaking the comfort of the white noise produced by the television. Sousuke looks over his shoulder, landing his teal eyes on the phone resting on top of the coffee table. Sousuke turns and stretches his arm toward it, picking it up and meeting with a new text message from Haruka’s number.

_I found them kissing at home_ , it’s all what the text message says but it's enough to sink Sousuke’s heart back into the hole it had been for so long.   
  
His fingers feel suddenly too numb to text him back. For the past month, Sousuke had been trying to run away from the reasons behind his breakup with Rin. It was true he had fallen out of love with Rin a while back but nothing hurt worse than being cheated on, especially by the man you thought was your best friend.   
  
Disoriented eyes stare at the phone’s screen, imagining Rin and Tachibana sharing a passionate kiss like no one before. It hurts because he knows Rin’s lips so well— he knows how those lips feel, how they taste and kiss. He can picture the exact way they are kissing Tachibana because he has been kissed by them before.

And it hurts. The memory aches, especially now he knows how much losing Rin can hurt. There’s nothing to be done, nothing that can save even the friendship they had.

He can't see himself with Rin anymore, not even as mere friends. What they had was already lost and buried down deep beneath the painful memories.  
  
Rin is still messing around with Tachibana, no remorse in his actions even after losing Sousuke. Rin is still the same man he broke up with, tangling Tachibana in his web, while Sousuke couldn’t get over or forget him. Despite Sousuke reading Rin’s texts the day they broke up, Sousuke hadn’t exactly see him cheating and sometimes he wondered if it actually happened or if it was just a misunderstanding that was never meant to be solved.   
  
_Have you checked his phone already?_ Sousuke asks in a new text, changing the topic immediately because he just CAN’T acknowledge the fact the cheating is real and not just some not-safe-for-work text message exchange between Tachibana and Rin.   
  
_I don't need to. Makoto said it won't happen again,_ Haruka’s reply came back shortly after, and Sousuke’s mouth twists in frustration. He feels how he’s starting to get pissed off with the wrong person, but Haruka’s being stubborn despite feeling hurt and probably really vulnerable. Why couldn’t things be easy and simple?!   
  
You found them kissing in your house while you were gone. Do you really believe it won't happen again? Have you wondered what would have happened if you had not gotten home the moment you did?

Sousuke’s message comes out more harsh than he had intended, but it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. After a minute of no replies and a discomfort in his chest, Sousuke decides to send another text and try one more time.

_Do you really think they've only been kissing this whole damn time?_

But nothing. Haruka isn’t replying back and that is enough proof for Sousuke to understand he had touched a sensitive fiber in Haruka's heart. Letting a tired sigh out, Sousuke knows maybe he should stop and let Haruka take his own decisions from now on. Even though it infuriates him to know Haruka is noble enough to forgive Makoto’s unfaithfulness, he also knows it isn’t his place to tell Haruka what to do.

So, after a pause, he sends a final message and decides to go back to his own business. Maybe if he calls the cable company today, he can convince them to set up his cable by tomorrow morning. That would be cool.

_Check his phone, Haru. Don't let him lie to you again._

_*_

  
It has been two hours since the sun had fully gone down, leaving Haruka alone under the streetlights that lit up his despair. He’s no longer crying, but the expression on his face makes it quite obvious he’s suffering in silence.   
  
He reads Sousuke’s messages over and over, the realization rising in him that maybe Sousuke had known about Makoto and Rin for a while. It makes sense now ; Rin and Sousuke’s break up. Did Sousuke broke up with Rin after finding out that he was cheating on him with Makoto?   
  
Shivering under the thin material of his workout clothes, Haruka hugs himself as his walks back to his condo. Trying not to think too much, trying not to feel, he just walks up the stoop stairs and stands in front of the wooden door in silence.   
  
He’s confused, not quite sure if he should walk through the door or stay right where he stands. Maybe he shouldn’t walk in — maybe, if he stays right where he is, he can continue living this lie and pretend everything’s alright. After all, lying to himself sounds easier than dealing with the risk of finding more about Makoto’s infidelity.   
  
In the end, it doesn’t matter how much he fights with his insecurities, Haruka finds his keys and opens the door with his trembling hand. His eyes are back on the couch where his heart shattered, replaying the scene from earlier that day and picturing Rin stealing a kiss from the man he loved.   
  
He has to force himself to look away because his throat is already tight and his eyes well up with fresh tears. With his stubborn eyes on the floor, he walks silently through the living room until he meets the stairs. Judging by the hour and the lack of sounds, Haruka assumes that Makoto is waiting for him in their bedroom.   
  
Swallowing his fears, he climbs up the stairs to a dark second floor. When he opens their bedroom door, he finds Makoto’s sleeping figure resting on his side of the bed. His brown hair is disheveled over the side of the bed while distress marks adorn his face. Their bed is still made up and Makoto is still wearing the same clothes from before. Everything seems to point out that Makoto had been waiting for Haruka to come back home for hours, facing an endless guilt, until his body gave up and he fell asleep.

Haruka is not even thinking when he approaches the bed and sits next to Makoto, his fingertips begin tracing Makoto’s brown eyebrow before sliding down to his cheekbone. He wants to believe the events from earlier that day had been just a nightmare, that he will wake up in any second next to Makoto’s smiling face and that his life would go back to normal. Haruka wants to trick himself to believe that it’s just him and Makoto, that Rin isn’t involved in any other way than just a friend, but his reality is too bitter to be ignored.  
  
Blue eyes float around the room, landing on their dresser where Makoto’s cellphone rests waiting to reveal his deepest secrets. His throat is already dry from the accumulated stress and fears that flows through his veins, but after gathering all his strength, he stands from his place to get a hold of that device.

Haruka raises an eyebrow when he finds out that Makoto’s phone is off. _Strange_ , Makoto always keeps it on and completely charged. Not wasting a second, Haruka looks over his shoulder before turning the device on and being greeted by a wave of new messages that saturated Makoto’s inbox all at once. Those ocean eyes tremble, reading Rin’s name over and over.

_Hey Mookto, anstwerr your phoenj!!!_

_Aree you ijngoring me????!!??!_

_Are youfd still mad at me for sayinl;.g those thgings in front of Haaryu? OMFG I was jokding!!!!1!!!_   
  
_Fuck yooiu, I;;m coming ovrr!_   
  
Haruka rubs his hand across his eyes for a second, taking his time to fully comprehend the meaning behind those messages. It is clear as water that Rin had sent those messages right before showing up to their house. Haruka had been there when their discussion happened, standing by the door while Rin snapped at Makoto, stating that he had been ignored recently. That part of Makoto’s story was true, bringing some sort of twisted peace into Haruka’s soul.

With his hands still, he holds Makoto’s phone and his heart begins racing now that he stares at Rin’s chat screen. Haruka begins to scroll up and begins reading all the messages previously exchanged between the two. As his eyes scan each message, Haruka notices Makoto’s responses have been really cold and short recently. Confusion hits him straight in his chest; his curiosity takes control over him and he keeps scrolling up.

The older the messages get, the longer Makoto’s replies become. There was a time when Haruka thought Makoto was the most perfect man in the world, someone who would never hurt him or do him wrong— but, after reading the sexual texting exchange between him and Rin, Haruka realizes that Makoto isn’t the man he thought he knew.

Haruka’s heart tightens and his breath shortens, but he can’t stop himself from reading each message popping to his view. There’s a text in particular that jumps out at him, one where Rin is telling Makoto how they should go back to that club so they could dance like they did before, but this time they should make sure not to be interrupted. Makoto laughs but doesn’t deny how appealing this suggestions sounds and then Rin adds how much he wants Makoto to do to him in that filthy bathroom.

_I'll give you the action Haru hasn't given you in years!_ Rin sent, a message that apparently was sent really late at night a couple months ago.

_That will be easy to surpass,_ Makoto replied three minutes after Rin’s latest text, followed by another one that explodes like a bomb in Haruka's hands. _At least I know that with you I don’t have to beg for sex._

Betrayed. Haruka realizes he has nothing left to give. The remains of his trust crumble while his anger rises. He feels humiliated—a joke— the reason behind Rin and Makoto’s laughter.   
Who said that a little white lie wouldn’t hurt anyone?   
  
With a knot in the soul, Haruka repeats to himself over and over again that he saw this coming. All those signs and the space that grew between them, but Haruka had been too stubborn to listen to his own instincts. Makoto did not bring out Haruka’s best version of himself, he only sank him deeper into despair and left him feeling empty inside.   
  
What gives Makoto the right to make him suffer? Blinded by the anger that flows through his thoughts, Haruka turns on his heels and knows exactly what to do.

The sounds of slamming drawers and doors wake Makoto abruptly from his unexpected nap. Completely disoriented and vulnerable, Makoto sits up and looks around the room with his eyes still clouded with sleep. In mere seconds, his gaze meets with Haruka’s back inside their closet.

“Haru…?” His voice unleashes the anger that Haruka is trying to contain, causing Haruka to turn around and glare at him with a pair of blue eyes covered in tears. Makoto goes pale almost instantly.

With a suitcase poorly packed with clothes, Haruka strides across the room and throws it at Makoto with a frustrated sob. “Get out!”

Makoto barely manages to catch the suitcase with both hands, avoiding a certain hit on his face if he missed. There’s too much tension and confusion floating in the air between them that Makoto almost forgets how to speak. “Wha—?”   
  
“I want you out of my sight, now!” Haruka cries before showing him the device he is holding in hands. “I don't want to be with someone who's _miserable_ being with me. You can go be happy with Rin who you don't have to _beg for sex_ all the time!”   
  
_His_ cellphone, the one he had turned off in a vain attempt of escaping from his sins, the one now displaying Rin’s messages in plain view and reveal the story of his unfaithfulness toward Haruka. Makoto’s green eyes open up wide in shock, understanding the purpose of the suitcase he hugs against his chest, and his head begins shaking in denial.   
  
“O-oh my god, Haru.” Makoto is shaking again, and the realization he has done something irreversible falls all at once over his shoulders. He feels so ashamed. This is it, he has been busted and there’s nothing that can save him from his own mistakes. “I-I’m… so sorry. I swear I didn’t—”   
  
“Shut up!” Haruka crams his hands over his ears, shutting his eyes tightly. “I'm not going to listen to your lies anymore!”

“H-Haru…” And Makoto’s tears spill down his cheeks. He stands from their bed with hesitation and gets closer to Haruka, trying to amend what has been broken between them, but he’s speechless once he realizes that no excuse will save him this time. Just when Makoto’s hand lands on Haruka’s left shoulder, Haruka tenses immediately and snaps at him.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” A rage-induced scream leaves his lips before Haruka slaps Makoto’s hand away from him. He’s crying even harder than before but his glare forced Makoto to choke back his words. After slamming the cellphone against Makoto’s chest, Haruka stomps his foot on the floor and bares his teeth. “After what you did, after everything I saw in your phone, don't you dare touch me ever again!”

It all happens so fast, so unexpectedly. Haruka pushes Makoto out of their bedroom and down the stairs with fierce determination. He mutes every word of regret and protest that leaves Makoto’s mouth once they arrive to the first floor. Haruka is so focused by all the anger that boils and burns him from the inside, he misses the loud sound of a vase breaking against the floor on their way to the front door.  

Makoto is—by far—stronger than Haruka, yet no strength compares to the adrenaline coursing through him. He opens the door with a fierce swing and pushes Makoto and his suitcase out into the cold street. He doesn’t give Makoto a chance to react, closing the door behind him and locking it almost immediately. Haruka’s heart is beating hard against his chest and his eyes snap wide open once he processes what he has just done.   
  
He hears Makoto calling his name from the outside, pounding the door over and over. Haruka falls on his knees, covering his mouth with both hands as his whole body begins to shiver uncontrollably. His whole world turns into shades of black and white, losing its meaning now that he knows Makoto is no longer part of his life. He tries not to make any sound as he cries, remaining anonymous on his side of the door.   
  
It feels like his life came to a sudden stop, that time passes but he’s stuck in this darkness surrounding him. Pressing his forehead against the wooden door, he hears Makoto crying and asking for a second chance. He hears him saying how much he loves him, how he wishes to go back in time and do things right. Haruka had never heard Makoto sounding this broken before—so helpless— and he has to stop his own hand from reaching the doorknob and unlocking the door.   
  
No, he can’t open that door. He can’t let Makoto back in his life; not now or ever again.   
  
Turning and pressing his back against the door, Haruka hides his face on his knees folded against his chest. If there’s no other adjective to describe the remains of their love, Haruka wonders why it hurts this much to do what’s better for himself.   
  
He stays there for hours, just as Makoto does from the outside. They don’t know it, but their backs are pressed one against the other with only a door standing between them. The hours go by and, little by little, Makoto’s pleas turn into an unbearable silence.   
  
Makoto is still there, despite the cold weather, he is still there hoping to be let in and fix the unfixable. Keeping his ears sharpened, Haruka just listens to every single movement coming from the other side of the door. He hears Makoto’s unsteady breathing, his soft sobbing and—after another hour—he hears him stand up.   
  
“Thank you for... loving me,” Makoto whispers into the night, probably thinking that Haruka is no longer there to hear him speak. “I truly wish I could have done things differently.”   
  
Haruka snaps his head out of his knees, wide blue eyes stare into the air with the sudden realization that this love was truly over. He hears Makoto’s stepping away from the door and down the stairs, leaving the house they once shared just like Haruka had ordered him to.   
  
Makoto’s silence marks the end of their relationship, the end of a whole life that couldn’t survive the biggest lie. The memories of what they once shared begin haunting him, spreading like poison through his mind and body.   
  
Overcome with his own loneliness, Haruka hides his head in his hands and cries.


	14. Turn my secrets inside out and you will find me

It’s three in the morning and there’s nothing in the world Rin can do to fall asleep. His head is a mess of memories and regrets; not even the cold air sneaking through the open window can get rid of the burning pain enveloping him from the inside out. He’s thirsty, slightly dehydrated from all the alcohol he drank hours ago; his body feels heavy and weightless all at once.

Laying in bed, Rin’s hair is tangled and splays across his face and pillow. He already has dark circles under his puffy eyes and a disoriented expression over his features. There’s a knot in his throat that wouldn't go away and his eyes are dry from crying all night. He’s no longer drunk; he has been sober for the last couple hours, haunted by the things he said, by the things he did and their consequences.

His head is full of blurry memories keeping him company, reminders of his mistakes and the loneliness that now consumes him. He lost Sousuke and he quickly fell in love with another man who was already taken. He thought his love would be enough to make Makoto his own; that things will go his way for once. But he was a fool; he had always been. 

Now that he has been labeled as a mistake again, Rin doesn’t know if he will be able to get out of this wave of depression this time or not.

The sound of distant knock on his front door pulls Rin out of his thoughts. At first he thinks he’s hearing things — judging by the time, there’s no way that someone would be knocking on his door this late at night — but when the knocking begins getting louder and insistent, Rin knows there’s someone at his door.

Rin doesn’t fight leaving his bed like he normally does, he just sits up and gets out of bed with no hesitation. As he stands and begins walking, he’s forced to stop to lean his body against the wall while another wave of nausea strikes and leaves him feeling entirely helpless. 

_ I’m never gonna drink again,  _ Rin thinks, but he already knows he will probably end up drinking again tomorrow night anyway.

When he reaches the front door and his hand turns the doorknob, a gust of cold air blows straight at him once the door is opened. 

Rin was not expecting to find Makoto Tachibana, suitcase in hand, standing on his doorstep. A chill runs down his spine when he meets Makoto’s empty eyes, clouded by winter and all the sorrow they’ve already cried. 

Silence. A brand new barrier stands tall and strong between the two lovers. There’s nothing really out there to be said because Rin knows how to recognize a broken soul. It’s like staring at his own reflection, meeting with the remains of a man who used to be full of light and hope.   
  
So… Haruka kicked him out, huh?

But what is Makoto doing here? With all the places he could have run to, why has he chosen to show at Rin’s apartment? Rin’s breath catches in his throat, like unspoken words, feeling entirely vulnerable in front of the man who called him a _ mistake  _ just a few hours ago _. _

Rin wants to scream, to curse, to shut the door and cry. But he can’t, he’s frozen in his spot, fighting the need to cling to Makoto, to kiss him and beg him to love him back.

A forced smile, twisted by the despair flowing through his veins, takes place on Makoto’s lips and breaks the silence between them.

“H-hey, Rin,” he speaks barely above a whisper. Makoto looks so lost, so small and helpless causing Rin’s heart to crack. It hurts so much to watch the man he loves suffering in silence. “Would… you mind if I stay here a night or two? I-I have nowhere else to go.”

_ Yes. _ Rin minds. He minds very much. He knows if Makoto stays, he will not be able to move on and forget about this whole fiasco. He knows that, by sharing an apartment with him, his heart would never heal and forget. But he can’t say no, he can’t close this door and pretend Makoto is the only one to blame.

Makoto’s tired eyes beg for comfort and mercy. His shivering shoulders remind Rin that the clothes Makoto’s wearing aren’t thick enough to keep him warm in the cold winter night. For a second, Rin feels like he should show some compassion but, remembering how Makoto had broken his heart not too long ago, he gives him a fragile glare instead.

No words leave Rin’s mouth, aware that his voice might break if he attempts to speak; he just looks away and steps to the side to let him in. Something similar to hope finds its way to lit up Makoto’s eyes and his fake smile suddenly becomes slightly more genuine.    
  
“Thank you,” Makoto whispers, head down and eyes on the floor, walking into Rin’s apartment. When he walks past Rin, he whispers an apology out of his chapped lips. “I’m… truly sorry, Rin.”

Makoto disappears into the living room and leaves Rin by himself, standing by the door in shock. His heart beats harshly against his chest, like a broken melody, not sure of the tears now forming at the corner of his crimson eyes. What was Makoto sorry for? Was he sorry for intruding or…?

Rin has to bite his lower lip as hard as he could to hold a whimper in his throat. Wiping his tears stubbornly on his sleeve, Rin slams the door shut and runs back to his bedroom to avoid Makoto as much as he could.   
  
He knows he has to give up on Makoto, but he just can't let him go. What he feels for him is overwhelming, losing absolutely everything he has with Makoto’s rejection. He feels like he had seen paradise, then had it ripped from his grasp and sent back into a colorless, hopeless void where there is only pain and despair.   
  
Makoto doesn’t love him and maybe… he never will.

 

*

 

A day or two soon turned into a week — a week where no glances or words are exchanged between them. Surprisingly, living under the same roof with Makoto issn’t as hard as Rin thought it would be. Makoto is quiet, he barely makes any messes. Each morning that passes, Rin would find Makoto laying on his couch staring at the same spot of the ceiling he had been staring at since the night before.   
  
Makoto is an absolute wreck ;  with bloodshot eyes, unkempt hair and lips sulking unhappily. A shadow of a beard has started to form around his lips and chin, enough prove for Rin to realize Makoto is not looking after himself like he should.

Rin is worried. He swears he hasn’t seen Makoto eat ever since he showed up on his front door. The food inside his refrigerator remains untouched and there’s no extra plates or glasses inside the dishwasher whenever Rin opens it to checks.    
  
Rin stares at Makoto from the kitchenette, drinking the remains of his morning coffee before placing the empty cup in the sink.    
  
Makoto is showing all the visible signs of depression and Rin can’t stop his own frustrations from forming a frown across his face.  _ It’s so unfair _ , Rin thinks, Makoto isn’t the only one suffering in the apartment they share. Did Makoto already forget Rin’s heart has been broken twice in the past six months?   
  
That’s it. Rin has enough of this pointless silence and strides towards the living room with his impulsiveness already taking over his senses. “Oi, Makoto. This is enough,” his voice comes out more demanding than he initially intended, causing Makoto’s shoulders to tense just as their eyes meet for the first time in days. “You can’t just lay here and cry all day.”   
  
Makoto has a hard time keeping the eye contact between them, dried words stuck in his tight throat as props himself up with his elbows against the cushion. Rin doesn’t waste his time and snatches one of Makoto’s pillows from the couch, tossing it to the other side of the room once he got close enough to the other.   
  
“Have you been missing work? I haven’t seen you leave that couch in days!” Rin’s harsh voice echoes through the small room. “I get it, life sucks but the world won't stop turning for you, for me, or for anybody!”

Makoto flinches as his lips begins trembling almost uncontrollably. He finally breaks, green eyes falling to the floor as fresh tears fight for freedom every time he blinks. “I-I know, it’s… it’s just that…” But a sob escapes his lips before he can even prevent it, proof of how Makoto’s heart shattered right before Rin’s eyes.    
  
_ Fuck,  _ Rin bites his tongue in regret. He was hoping to bring some common sense into Makoto’s logic, to remind him he hurt him first, but the last thing Rin had wanted was to make him cry. 

Makoto’s tears are Rin’s biggest weakness and the curve of his frown trembles. His anger becomes a calm storm, disappearing almost instantly when Makoto’s sobs fill the room. Rin hates this; he wants to stay mad at Makoto and blame him for all the things he had gone through this last week, but he can’t. Watching him cry hurts Rin the most. Makoto’s sadness and distress is Rin’s as well, and his heart can’t deal with another second of those tears leaving tracks down Makoto’s cheek.   
  
Rin clenches his fists, taking two steps forward and kneels in front of Makoto. Carefully, he places his hands on Makoto’s shoulders just to sense how they stiffened almost imperceptibly under his touch. “Listen to me,” Rin’s voice is softer than it has been in awhile, bringing Makoto’s attention back on him. “Losing someone we love hurts, and it’s going to hurt really bad for a long time. But there’s nothing we can do about it now. I-I’m sorry, alright?”   
  


Makoto bites his lower lip to repress another sob of genuine regret. He knows Rin is right, every single word that has been said is true and his own sad reality. Only love can hurt like this. Uncovering his face almost hesitantly, Makoto finds something different in the way Rin is looking back at him.    
  
“You know, that time... I-I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you.” There’s no alcohol flowing through his veins right then, no substance to make him be braver than before. He swallows the knot of anxiety cutting off his air, and licks his lips before continuing. “It wasn’t… the alcohol talking. I truly… really love you, Makoto.”

Makoto remains quiet, absorbing his confession for a long minute — perhaps turning Rin’s words over and over in his mind. His tears stop pouring down his face as his eyes widen in surprise. His heart beats with an irregular rhythm, trying to comprehend why Rin’s words feel like a promise of something he wasn’t able to name.   
  
Ten million thoughts rush through his mind, remaining sealed behind his lips, prolonging the silence he holds and can only stare back at Rin.

At the lack of response from Makoto’s part, Rin’s heart sinks and aches because he knows he will never be loved back. It is Rin’s turn to break their eye contact and he slides his hands down from Makoto’s shoulders to his arms and hands. What is he expecting? Makoto’s love for Haruka is strong and everlasting, maybe now more than it has ever been, and not even a breakup will be enough to wash those feelings away.

Makoto might be single again, but Rin will never be Haruka. His ruby eyes quiver a bit and an unavoidable sadness overflows his chest. “And… about what I did: getting drunk, forcing you to kiss me, and those horrible things that I said to Haru,” he fights to keep his voice steady, “It’s my fault that things between you and Haru ended the way they did. I’m really sorry.”

At the sound of Haruka’s name, Makoto snaps out of his sea of thoughts and his eyes lose the life in them. It’s a slap of reality that hits him hard and reminds him of the heaviness and consequences of his own actions. He remembers that night, the last kiss he shared with Rin before Haruka found him cheating. He remembers how much he enjoyed it, how addicted he had become to Rin’s lips. To his body.    
  
No, Rin is not responsible for his failed relationship with Haruka. It was Makoto’s own fault, he did it to himself. Sure, Rin’s actions were nothing close to ideal, but it had been Makoto who thought, at some point, that cheating on Haruka was justified and a good idea. Maybe Makoto’s mistake had been comparing Rin and Haruka from the very beginning. He should've been looking at himself rather than others when it came to his own happiness.

Makoto shakes his head, intertwining their fingers together and giving Rin’s hands a soft squeeze. Hesitantly, Rin turns his attention back to his former lover. There is no judgement in Makoto’s eyes, and Rin feels a great weight being lifted from his chest. “You didn’t force me into this, Rin,” Makoto explains, his voice clearer now that he managed to stop crying. “I knew I was cheating on him, but I still kept coming to you every time you texted. I had plenty of chances to stop this from getting any bigger, but… I never did.”

A soft, sad smile plays at the corner of Makoto’s mouth. “I am such a coward. I’ve… always been.”

“You are not a coward, we are...” Rin bites his tongue for a second.  _ Weak.  _ They’ve been very, very weak. “It was just a combo of bad decisions and horrible timing. That’s all.”

Both men stay in silence; no words could fill the void spanning between them. For the first time in months, Rin and Makoto share a room with no intention of making out or kissing each other senseless. It feels weird, like something out of place that can’t go back to where it belonged. It's awkward; they have their hands tangled together but their touches remain innocent and fairly friendly.

Rin wonders if whatever it was they had before was truly over and ready to be forgotten. He can’t understand exactly why it hurts so bad, why it makes him feel like he wants to break their silence with bitter tears. The affair he had with Makoto was based on pure lust and curiosity, no real feelings were supposed to get involved. Now that Rin knows he is truly in love with Makoto, he can no longer be satisfied with a mediocre affair. 

He wants the real thing, he wants Makoto’s love. And it kills him knowing he would never be able to have it.

Letting go of his hands, Rin thinks of all the mistakes he had done in the past months and tells himself that it’s time to do what’s right. He had ruined Makoto’s life in many ways and now he feels he owes Makoto a better ending.

“I… need to go and get some groceries,” A little white lie slips out of Rin’s mouth as he stands up and brushes his red bangs away from his forehead. “While I am out, take a shower and call work to let them know you're still alive."

 

*

 

It feels weird to be standing in front of Haruka’s front door after all that happened over a week ago. He feels in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with no excuses this time to keep him from sinking in his own regrets. After ringing the doorbell, Rin waits and his anxieties start to build up.   
The door opens almost before Rin considers to press the doorbell a second time and his mouth goes dry once his eyes meet with Haruka’s sad blue orbs.

They both stand there in shock for nearly three seconds before Haruka reacts and quickly slams the door on Rin’s face. Tensing his shoulders at the sudden action, Rin closes his eyes and lets a silent sigh escape his lips. He should’ve seen that coming; there’s no way Haruka would want to see him after all he caused. Carefully, he places both hands on the wooden door and clears his throat before speaking and breaking the stiff silence between them. “Haru, open the door,” Rin can’t believe how fragile his voice sounds, feeling so small and disgusting, knowing that he doesn’t deserve what he’s asking for.    
  
Nothing. Haruka’s silence is loud enough to break what’s left of Rin’s pride, shattering it almost instantly. “Please, just… hear me out. At least for five minutes.”   
  
“Why would I even do that? Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” Haruka’s voice can be heard from the other side of the door, his voice sore and weak, and Rin’s heart twists uncomfortably inside his tight chest. “Why do you want to steal my time when you’ve already stolen Makoto from me? Just leave me alone.”   
  
Frustrated with his own guilt, Rin bites his tongue and tries his hardest not to let those bitter feelings spill out from his lips. “But his heart will never belong to me, he’s still very in love with you.” He tries to turn the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. Taking a deep breath, Rin presses his forehead against the door and closes his eyes tightly. “Haru, please. Let me in, let me explain to you everything that happened. Makoto’s not doing well.”

The door opens right about the time he's finishes his last sentence, and Rin almost falls forward once his support is abruptly torn away from him. He meets with Haruka’s hurt expression looking at him with so much pain and resentment it is almost unbearable. His mouth moves, he tries to speak, but Haruka’s voice slices their silence first. “And how do you think  _ I _ am doing, Rin?!” He yells and his voice echoes all the way down the street. “Everything I had ended up being the biggest lie ever told! I trusted him more than anything, Rin! And I trusted you, too! We were friends!”   
  
It is then Rin is finally able to look directly inside Haruka’s ocean eyes, meeting with all the pain and despair engulfing him. Seeing Haruka so tense, with no self-confidence, makes Rin finally understand one thing: by taking Makoto away from Haruka, he's making him go through the same sadness and insecurity he went through when Sousuke left him.   
  
Haruka is trying so hard not to cry, but Rin can see the tears welling up in his eye. Fuck, Rin’s throat is too tight and he can’t find his voice anymore. “I-it wasn't just one kiss or even a one night stand,” Haruka accuses. “It was a long time of you two knowingly hurting me and not even caring.”   
  
Rin’s eyes flee to the floor while everything is spinning. It’s too late to apologize; Haruka’s words weighing him down in guilt. “...I started it,” Rin admits in a sorry whisper and, even if it hurts him, Haruka listens. “We were drunk and I kissed him. He started avoiding me and I went after him. It was always a game of me chasing him around. A game of me testing my limits and always wanting more.”

Haruka’s chin quivers a little.   
  
“I had nothing to lose, my relationship with Sousuke was already very fucked up, but I never considered his happiness... or yours,” Rin admits with a hint of shame. “Makoto tried to put an end to this, but… I was too jealous of you and too stubborn to let him go that easily.”   
  
“Do... you even realize what you've done?” Haruka asks and Rin’s eyes close tightly in shame. “Did it all start because I don’t like having sex?”   
  
Rin’s silence is the answer Haruka is expecting, and it leaves him feeling like a worthless fool. He finally allows his tears to fall down his already red cheeks and his breath hitches.  _ Sex.  _ It has always been about  _ sex _ . Haruka can’t understand why  _ sex _ means this much for everybody but him. It is frustrating. It hurts him so much and it makes him feel like he’s wrong and broken. 

He had always felt safe in Makoto’s arms; thinking what they had was special and that, for once, he deserved a happy ending. Haruka thought Makoto was different, that he would understand, but he had been mistaken all along.

He can’t keep his tears from blinding him or his feet from turning and taking him to the other side of the living room where a bookshelf stands. Rin is confused, watching him go while he hesitates between coming in or staying where he is. With rushing thoughts and uncontrollable sobbing, Haruka finds a small black box on the top shelf and brings it back to where Rin awaits.   
  
“There's other ways to love someone,” Haruka’s voice is straining, as if he couldn’t bare the sight of Rin any longer. He throws the black box at Rin’s chest and Rin manages to catch it with both hands before it finds its way down to the floor. “I-I made him breakfast and dinner everyday and did his laundry every week. I never forgot his birthday or our anniversaries. I would always vacuum and wash the dishes because I knew he hated those chores.”

The trace his tears leave on his cheeks are like rain on a dusty pane. There’s already a salty taste on Haruka’s lips, but he’s far from caring because he can’t take his mind away from the pain roared through him. “I-I even tried to change for him, to be more affectionate and romantic because that’s the type of things he’s into.”

Rin opens the black box and stares at a golden engagement ring with wide, trembling eyes.  _ Oh.  _ He’s familiar with the pain hidden behind Haruka’s words. He understand each tear rolling down Haruka’s cheeks because those were the same things Rin started missing from Sousuke right when he started drifting away from him. 

Sex is sex, merely a carnal pleasure. It could bring people closer, but it didn't necessarily mean love. What really mattered to Rin was the way Sousuke took care of him at the end of the day, how he looked after him and made every dull moment of his life something  _ special  _ and a nice memory. 

And Rin starts crying, sobbing at the realization he had been the cause behind Haruka’s suffering. Makoto loves Haruka more than he loves himself and, thanks to Rin’s selfishness, two souls that were meant for each other were destined to stay apart and to live in sorrow. 

“M-Makoto… wants to marry you so badly,” Rin can’t help but blab out, too shocked and overwhelmed that he can’t keep that fact as a secret any longer. “He thought… you would never ask.”

Pained blue eyes can’t avoid getting closed half-way, stumbling with new information that burn his heart and kills his soul. Haruka tries his best to stay strong, to bring back his stoic mask despite the million tears slipping down his cheeks. He manages to clench his fists and keep his eyes firmly on Rin’s. “Now I never will.”

 

*

 

One in the morning and Haruka is still awake. He’s sitting on the floor with his knees up, burying his face in his arms. He refuses to sleep on his bed or over the couch because he can’t stand being there knowing Makoto might have been there with Rin before.

He’s a mess. Every corner of his house reminds him of Makoto and the life they shared for many years. Makoto’s presence still lingers in every room and in every corner. Haruka can still hear Makoto’s voice in his sleep, and his green eyes will always haunt him whenever he closes his own. There’s just too much in this house that Haruka can’t bare it any longer.

This pain is chasing away all the sanity in him.   
  
If only he could hate him. He has tried so many times with no success.

He needs to leave this place—to find a way to heal his heart without sacrificing his own happiness. Haruka tries so hard to tell himself he’s better off without him but he’s well aware that, if he ever crosses paths with Makoto again, he’s going to fall into those arms and forgive the unforgivable. 

Even after everything that happened—after being betrayed by the man he once called his boyfriend—Haruka still loves Makoto more than he’s ever loved himself and he’s scared of his own weaknesses. This house, this city and everything surrounding him is a threat against Haruka’s well being. He… just can’t stay around any longer! 

Haruka lifts his head from his arms and, with wide eyes, he stares at the nothingness with one thought in mind.  _ ‘Are you, by any chance, interested in teaming up with me and working abroad?’ _ A voice with a heavy accent resonates in his memories. 

That’s right. There’s a business card still waiting to be acknowledged inside his worn out wallet. Standing from the cold floor, Haruka crosses the room and gets a hold of his black laptop. Maybe this is what he had been looking for all along; a promising exit from this misery.

  
He’s ready to say goodbye to the old Haruka, a man who had been gone for a while now. Seeking a new beginning, and an end to this torment, Haruka tells himself there is no longer a good reason for him to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your support and comments, it all means so much to me; I am really impressed by all the comments I got with last chapter! Wow. It felt really cool :D <3
> 
> There's only 2 chapters left...! Are you guys ready???
> 
> Check out my Tumblr (there's nothing there, really lol)  
> Ohmynanase.tumblr.com


	15. Everything that I hide is true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post the last two chapters (15 + epilogue) together as one, so enjoy!

Like the beginning of a nightmare, it’s pouring outside. The rain falls over Tokyo—hard and unforgiving—like a curse. Watching the raindrops eat each other as they slide down the window, Makoto is lost in his thoughts of brighter days and happy memories. His face is clean-shaven, his green eyes brighter than before and his hair is combed properly to the side; Makoto looks more like himself already, but not enough once you notice his pale cheeks and the missing smile from his lips.

Despite the gray clouds and lack of light, it’s nearly seven in the morning and almost time for Rin and Makoto to leave to work. They have been living together for nearly three weeks; already used to each other’s presence and silence. Back to being just friends, both Rin and Makoto painted a new line between them—a line that they promised not to cross again—each now standing in their respective side, respecting the limits they ignored in the past.

It’s… different, surreal, looking over his shoulder and meeting with Rin’s figure standing in the kitchen. He’s already dressed in his blue uniform, hair still wet dripping over his shoulders. Those careful fingers are stirring his black coffee with the end of a fork. Rin stops, looks up and shares a small smile with Makoto once he notices the other is staring. Rin doesn’t flirt with him anymore, he gives Makoto the space he didn’t know he needed… and Makoto finds himself truly appreciating this side of his best friend.

After smiling back at the other man, Makoto turns and finds himself staring back to the window. It’s raining so hard outside he can barely see past his nose. He frowns, just thinking about driving under this rain makes him extremely nervous. “Rin, do… you have a spare umbrella around?”  
  
“Um,” Letting his eyes wander to the ceiling, Rin remains silent for a second. He ends up shrugging and taking a sip from his cup. “I am not entirely sure. Feel free to check my closet while I clean the kitchen. We should be leaving soon, though. I want to avoid re-creating the Titanic in your car on our way out.”

Makoto lets a chuckle loose from his lips, adjusting his coat over his broad shoulders as he crosses the living room and enters the hallway. “I promise we’ll be fine; my car wouldn’t sink that easily.”

On his way down the hall and to Rin’s bedroom, Makoto’s mind wanders back to Haruka. It is hard not to think about him, not when the memories of their breakup are still very fresh in his mind. The hurt, even after all these weeks, just thinking about the way their relationship came to an end is enough to leave a knot in this throat and blur his vision.  
  
How is Haruka doing? Is he doing alright? It’s raining so hard and Makoto feels guilty for not being able to drive Haruka to work on a day like this. When they were together, Haruka and Makoto had shared everything. Well, almost everything. The Camry had been always under Makoto’s name, making him the legal owner and the person in charge of making the monthly payments. Haruka had never been too worried about owning a car, saying it was just a waste of money when the train station wasn’t even that far away from their condo.

Back then, Makoto never thought he wouldn’t be next to Haruka on a rainy day, on a day when Haruka actually needed a car to stay dry and get to work on time.

Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

With the end of their relationship—something his selfishness caused—Makoto took away many things from Haruka they both had taken for granted. Silently, Makoto hopes Haruka leaves his stubbornness aside and calls a cab for his way to work. But what if he doesn’t? What if Haruka walks under this storm all the way down to the train station? Ungh, Makoto feels his worry rising all the way to his throat. If Haruka gets sick with no one to look after him, he’ll—!

Stop. Makoto places a hand against his furrowed eyebrows as he stops right in front of Rin’s closet. There’s nothing he can do right now about it. Haruka is an adult and fully capable of deciding what’s best for his well being. No matter how much Makoto still worries about him, with their relationship no longer existing, he has no right to mingle in what is not his business anymore.

It’s hard. Getting used to a life without Haruka is the hardest thing Makoto has ever done in his whole life.

Makoto sighs, green eyes fighting the sadness plaguing his heart, and opens the closet door in a fluid motion. He is instantly greeted by a pile of boxes, ten different jackets, an old suitcase, a vacuum, and bunch of odds-and-ends gathering dust in the corner. He spots a black umbrella resting carefully again one of the boxes. Makoto smiles and leans forward ready to get a hold of the umbrella when a black little box catches his attention.

Resting on the very top of all the boxes, looking completely out of place, the black box waits for a day that will never arrive. Makoto isn’t stupid, he recognizes that type of box almost instantly and his heart skips a beat in his chest.

Curiosity hits him like a thunderstorm. He looks over his shoulder, just to make sure Rin’s nowhere to be seen, before taking the little box in hand and opening it carefully. He’s greeted by the sight of a beautiful golden ring resting in the velvet foam and he gulps noticeably.

An engagement ring. Makoto blushes dramatically. From Rin to Sousuke?!

Makoto gets a taste of sadness in his mouth as his fingertips trace the forgotten golden ring. If Rin had this ring under his possession, it means that at some point he had planned on giving it to Sousuke in a marriage proposal. The single thought itself does not hold much comfort and it hurts even more once he remembers the tears flowing down Rin’s cheeks back when Sousuke left him. He holds the remains of a broken relationship in his hands, a meaningless ring with no owner that would always stay captive in that small black box.

Being extremely careful, he pulls the ring out of the velvet foam just to get a chance of inspecting it a little bit closer. He remains quiet while rolling the thin metal ring through his fingers, his eyes moving over its smooth shape and memorizes even the smallest detail within it.

It is then, when the light from the room hits a certain angle, that Makoto notices the engraving on the inside of the ring making his heart twist inside his chest.  
  
_M &H _ _♡_ _July 4, 2013_

And it hits him. His world turns cold and it breaks through his soul. Those initials. That date. He’s already shivering.

Rin walks into the room a couple seconds after; eyes on his phone and unaware of the storm taking place inside Makoto’s head. “Hey Makoto, I just got an alert on my phone that there was an accident near…” But his words died in his mouth almost instantly as Makoto turns on his feet holding the golden ring in hand with a broken expression.  
  
The silence vibrates between them. Rin can hear the blood pounding in his ears, his heart beating so hard against his chest he can barely hear Makoto’s heart breaking from across the room. He can’t speak — frozen in his spot — eyes trembling while he witnesses how a small light of hope tries to stay alive inside those green eyes.  
  
Makoto’s breathing becomes less steady, more painful. “Where… did you get this from?” He whispers, begging his voice not to crack. “Is this—? Did Haru…?”

When Makoto takes a step closer, Rin squeezes his eyes shut. “Yes,” he swallows. “I… I-I’m sorry. I tried to convince him to give you another chance but—”

“When?!” Makoto’s voice is raises against his will and he breaks into a cold sweat. He can’t hide his own agony behind his words anymore and he pauses for half a second just to take a deep breath in. “When did you speak with him? W-when did you get this ring from him?”

With his eyes on his feet, Rin bites his lower lip and fights his own cowardness away. “A couple weeks ago.” He responds and looks up. _Makoto needs to know._ “I went to your house trying to clear your name, to make Haru understand that he should be blaming me and not you but my words were not enough and…”  
  
Fear flares inside Makoto’s chest just as he tightens his grip around the golden ring. Makoto doesn’t need to hear anything else or waste more time. He knows that he won’t find peace in Rin’s words; he knows that he needs to leave, to run, to go back home and beg Haruka for mercy.

So he runs. He sprints across the room and down the hall to where his car keys rest. He’s out the apartment before his mind can register it, running down the stairs just as if the building is on fire when the only thing on fire is his own heart. He can’t hear any sounds, Rin’s voice calling him as he runs after him, his mind is so busy trying to process the meaning behind the ring he never received.

When he unlocks his car and hops in, he witnesses how a flash of red joins him on the passenger seat, but he’s too into his own head to even care. He drives as if it's not raining, like if there’s no stops signs and like if he couldn’t take his foot from the accelerator.  
  
Rin remains quiet the entire ride, eyes tightly shut and trembling shoulders. He had never seen him drive like this before; a very safe and talented driver leaving his own ideals behind just to beat traffic and get home as soon as he could.  
  
Sharp turns, cars honking, water splashing on their way down. After what seems an eternity, the car comes to a sudden halt and Rin opens his eyes just to find Makoto is already out the vehicle and running into a house that once was his.

Makoto’s whole world is moving, shaking him to the core. Terrified eyes scan the condo from the outside despite the heavy rain. There’s no lights on, a mountain of old newspapers piled up near the door and a bad feeling lurking deep in his gut. The keys jingle as he holds them out and opens the front door, meeting with a living room with bare walls and no furniture.

The shock comes in waves. The first wave hits him when he turns the lights on and walks in, incredulous eyes scanning the empty condo with a heavy heart. His breath is stuck in his throat, lips shivering as if winter is starting all over inside his heart.  
  
The second wave comes once he tries to speak, when he calls Haruka’s name, but his voice comes out choked and full of fear. Attacked by so many bad scenarios in his head, Makoto’s legs leave their trance and rush all the way up the stairs calling his ex-boyfriend’s name over and over again.

Makoto swings their bedroom door open and there’s no signs of the life that used to be his; rushing to the small office and bathroom across the floor he just meets with the same luck. There’s no evidence of their past, no mess, no nothing. Every single corner of their two-story condo is empty and it hardly looks like a place that once held Makoto and Haruka for so many years.

He’s back to the first floor with a heavy mind and a sickening feeling accumulating in his stomach. He stops at the kitchen and the third wave hits him when he spots a letter resting on the counter right next to where, at some point, a microwave was. He hurries and takes the letter in hands once the wave hits him hard, with renewed force and no mercy.  


_Makoto,_  
_  
I've been thinking about you. Right now I'm still thinking about you. There hasn’t been a day where I don’t think about what we had and how you ended up hurting me more than I ever thought possible. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to block those thoughts from my mind, to forget and move on, I just can’t. The pain runs so deep that I can’t stand another second trapped inside this walls._

_I am leaving Japan. I need to leave. If I stay here any longer, if I see your face again, I know I’ll fall into your arms and give you a second chance. I don’t want to forgive you, at least not yet. You, the one person I thought would never hurt me and would always BE there, are the one who hurt me the most._

_I loved you. I still do. When we became a couple I thought I could make you happy just by being together and staying by your side. But I was wrong. There were so many things you needed that I couldn’t provide. So many qualities in a partner that I lacked and… maybe I was never enough. I learned that sometimes letting go can make your beloved happier._

_Was it worth it, though? Are you happier by Rin’s side?_

_I’m sorry I was never into having sex or making love. I never thought we needed those sort of activities to manifest the love we had for each other. I thought that just by being who I am was enough to make you feel special and loved. Maybe I am broken and incomplete. I am not like everyone else, I’ve always known that. I am different, weird.  But, you know? Holding your hand and watching you smile was always enough to make feel like the luckiest man in this world._  
  
_I should be glad that I finally saw your true colors, but it hurts to know that you’re not the person I thought you were, it hurts to know that everything was clearly a lie._

_I wish you well. Wish I could help but I can't help you find yourself._

_-Haru_

 

_Ps. The rest of your belongings are in our storage unit. Please go get them before the 1st, I already scheduled the cancellation of our agreement by the end of this month and I am sure they’ll get rid of them if you take too long. Hopefully you still have some time left by the time you read this letter._

  


Makoto doesn’t know when he started crying, but tears are flowing down his cheeks so much he struggles to keep his sobs muffled from the world. As he hangs on to the last thread of his sanity, his knees give out and he falls to the kitchen’s floor. Assaulted by so many memories of the man he loves, by the realization he has lost him for good, he cries even harder.

He doesn’t want this to be the end! There’s so much Makoto wants to say, so many apologies lingering in his chest and so many things he’s willing to do in order to be forgiven. His mind is fogged with this heartache and his thoughts aren’t clear anymore. From his back-pocket, Makoto pulls out his cellphone and starts dialing the only phone number he knows by muscle memory.

It doesn’t even ring once, sending him straight to voicemail and Makoto panics.

 _'Hello, this is Haruka Nanase’s cellphone. Leave a message._ ’ He hears Haruka’s voice repeat the same voice message he has had for so many years and Makoto feels his heart getting heavier with the nostalgia that comes to surface with it.

The long beep sounds almost right after and Makoto can barely speak, feeling as though his heart is very close to exploding inside his chest. “H-Haru? W-where…?” His voice brakes, but he tries to stay strong. “Where are you?”

Makoto’s thoughts are a mess of broken hopes and forbidden memories. His breathing is erratic as he fights a losing battle against his own fears. “Please! P-please don’t leave Japan! We… we can fix this! I-I’ll do whatever I have to do to convince you that I can do things right, but please…!”

He knows he making no sense, that he doesn’t deserve a second change or even another glimpse of the man he loves. He knows it’s too late for these types of promises and Haruka deserves better, so… so much better. “I just…!” He chokes a sob, trying to suppress the panic now surging through his veins. “I just want to s-see you one more time. I… I want to… to at least be able to say goodbye.”

Hot tears leak from his eyes and he sobs like a child who has never cried before. He presses his cellphone harder against his ear and he looks down to his left hand where he holds the golden ring so dearly. A hollow feeling takes over his chest, simultaneously filling his heart with unbearable heat that he couldn't possibly survive past it. His lips quiver, the taste of his own tears thick on his tongue.

“I… found the ring, Haru. It’s… it’s really beautiful. So simple, perfect and… unique. Just l-like you,” His voice comes softly despite the sorrow taking over his senses. “You have no idea how much I want to marry you or how many times I dreamed about it.”

But he ruined everything. Makoto ruined any possibility of a bright future next to Haruka. There was no one else to blame, Makoto knows he did this to himself, his evil deeds have sentenced him to a life without Haruka and there’s nothing else to be done or said. “What have I done…?”

_It’s over._

_This game is finally over._

_And he lost everything he had, just like he had feared the most._

“I’m sorry. I… really hope that you can find the happiness you deserve.” He whispers and he can’t hold it anymore. The cellphone falls to the floor and Makoto covers his eyes with both hands. He cries as loud as humanly possible, so lost on his loss to even care his cell phone is still recording his misery into Haruka’s voicemail.

His face is a mess of hot tears and rosy cheeks. Those hands found their way up to Makoto’s brown hair, entangling his fingers desperately between his brown locks. He had never felt this way before; so meaningless, so worthless, so ready to die without the man that kept him sane for all these years.

This is when he realizes taking Haruka for granted was his first mistake. His most precious possessions are now, and will always be, the memories he shared with Haruka by his side.

An unexpected warmth on his left shoulder surprises Makoto. He slowly lifts his head up and finds Rin is now on his knees beside him. It is the expression crossing Rin’s face that steal the words from Makoto’s mouth. He is crying as well, joining Makoto with regret and sorrow.

“I’m truly sorry, Makoto.” He sobs, genuinely distressed at the sight of Makoto’s pain. Shaking his head almost uncontrollably, Rin drops his eyes to the floor and continues. “I’m so… s-so damn sorry for this. This is all my fault, I shouldn’t have—”

But Makoto doesn’t let him finish that sentence, he can’t. He turns his body entirely towards Rin, wrapping his arms instantly around the other male and bringing him into a tight hug they both need so damn badly. Their sobs mix one with the other, hearts beating in the agony that their lives would never be the same.

“W-we shouldn’t have,” Makoto sobs and Rin bites his lower lip in an attempt to keep himself from sobbing even louder. He hides his forehead against Makoto’s neck, nodding in a silent agreement this had been the dumbest decision they have ever taken.

Yes. They shouldn't have done that. But now it’s too late and there’s nothing left to hold on to.

No more words leave their lips, knowing that their tears and sobs speak louder than any word ever exchanged. They cry together for a long while; clinging to the other as if their life depended on it. It’s sad to know you are the reason behind your best friend’s grief, but… their only comfort remaining is to know that at least they are not going through Hell alone.

 

*

Miles and miles away, on a different continent, Haruka holds his phone against his ear as he listens to Makoto’s voice message for the second time that day. He’s standing by himself outside the Toulon-Hyères Airport with two large suitcases resting next to his feet. Blue eyes are glued to the floor; the lights of the taxis driving by reflecting off the tears that roll down his cheeks. There’s a knot in his throat and a deep regret haunting his consciousness every time he takes a breath in. Haruka’s shoulders tremble uncontrollably, alone in France with this burning guilt inside a hollow heart.

Haruka had promised himself a new beginning, the chance to heal, but he was not expecting to miss this call and receive a voice message capable of tearing his soul apart.

“This is for the best,” he tells himself over and over as the voice message reaches the end. Haruka closes his eyes tightly. People are staring, he needs to fetch a taxi and leave this place. “He’ll be alright. I-I’ll be alright…”

He turns off his phone again, not giving a chance for the ghosts of his past a second to reach him, and raises his hand in the air. Haruka calls for the next taxi that it’s driving down the avenue and boards it with an unexpected hurry flowing through his veins.

_This is it._

_His new life, his new world._

_His new home._

_Everything._

_A new beginning awaits._

 

**_EPILOGUE_ **

 

A week later, Makoto finally faces his new reality. It took just seven days to completely understand Haruka was no longer going to be part of his present and future. The first nights were rough; sleepless hours of darkness were his tears came out as a soundless screams escaping through his already very sore throat. On those nights, Rin never left his side; he would spend the entire time holding Makoto’s hand, reminding him he wasn’t facing this tragedy by himself. With every tear that left Makoto’s green eyes, Rin would bring words of comfort and a reminder it was alright to cry for his loss.

Although they were unconsciously focussing on Makoto’s heartbreak, Rin’s heart was slowly healing itself as well. Slowly but surely he learned how to put his feeling to the side and respect their friendship, behaving just like a friend because that’s only what Makoto needed right then.

By the end of the first month, they moved into a bigger place where no broken memories were painted on the walls surrounding them. Their apartment was on the other side of the city, away from familiar streets and businesses that could bring back the feelings they were both trying to forget. Two bedrooms and one bathroom—just what they needed to move on with their lives.  
  
It took three months for Makoto to smile again—not one of those forced smiles that Rin had gotten used to— but a truly, genuine and transparent smile that reminded him of the man he fell in love with; of those days where everything was alright and not a single bad decision was taken. The first time it happened, it took Rin by surprise and caused him to just stare at the other man’s lips. Such a beautiful sight, the piece of paradise he missed and he would  fight to protect from now on.

By the fifth month, Makoto couldn’t recall the shade of blue that Haruka’s eyes were or the way Haruka would lit up an entire room when he smiled. The sound of Haruka’s laughter became a forgotten memory, just like the smallest details he learned of his body the years they spent together. The realization was painful and sad, but it meant that Makoto was finally moving on and healing.

Despite all that, Haruka’s memory will always be there, even after their love had ran out of time and escaped with the wind. He will always be part of Makoto’s life, although not with the same affection they used to share—but with a different type of affection that will never disappear, no matter the years or the distance now standing between what they were and their memories.

Right when the six month ended, Makoto started noticing something different in him everytime Rin was around. He didn’t know when it happened but Rin became someone special—more than a roommate or a best friend; without even touching him, something inside Makoto lit up.

By the eight month, Makoto found a way to name what he was feeling for Rin. He realized there is no set time to fall in love when you are feeling something so beautiful towards someone, something that can’t be explained. There is no reason or logic in his heart. Love is something that happens suddenly—naturally—full of fire.

But, even though those feelings bloomed and kept growing within his heart, Makoto remained silent and just smiled back at Rin whenever he was caught staring. Afraid of his own mistakes, of his past, Makoto knew that the last thing he ever wanted was to lose Rin just like he lost Haruka. And just like that, he kept living his life next to Rin and cherishing every single second they spent next to the other without crossing the invisible wall they both created between each other almost a year ago.

It was better this way—being just friends, loving each other secretly. It hurts, yes, but that pain was better than dealing with another heartbreak.

*

 

It’s been a year and it’s cold again. Winter starts with the first snowfall; the white streets glowed eerily under the city lights and the air is crisp and cool. Staring out at the snow piling up on the windshield, Makoto sits inside his black Camry right outside the police station where now Rin works.

His folded arms rests on top of the steering wheel while his chin lays over them. On his neck, Haruka’s golden ring lays against his chest as a necklace—just like it has for the last twelve months he had spent without him. The tip of his nose is red, his thoughts are elsewhere and the radio plays a tune in the background. He looks calm, different, older— with a better sense of reality than before. Hints of maturity a year out of his comfort zone had forced on him reflects inside his serene eyes, and he enjoys the sight before him.

 _When had it been the last time he felt this light?_  
  
A knock on his window nearly sent Makoto through the roof of his car. He snaps out of his thoughts and turns his attention towards the window and meets with a pair of crimson eyes glaring at him. Makoto can’t stop his lips from smiling as wide as they do and, before he can even process his own movements, the window is down and the cold night breeze brushes his cheeks.

Opening his mouth to greet his best friend, Makoto finds himself silenced when Rin speaks first instead.

“What the heck are you doing here?” Rin asks, accusingly.  
  
“Aren’t you off already?”  
  
“Technically I am off in twenty minutes but I was getting ridiculously claustrophobic inside that building and came out for some fresh air,” He admits, reaching up and scratching the bridge of his nose. He blinks once, then twice and snaps back to his first inquiry. “Oi, don’t dodge my question! You shouldn’t be here. Our apartment is within walking distance from here, I've told you a million times that I can walk myself home from here!”

Makoto smiles to himself; with a gentle push, he opens his door and exits his car. Standing next to the man who glares at him, he dusts his coat off and readjusts one of the black gloves he’s wearing. “Have you not noticed? It’s snowing. I wasn't going to let you walk home under such conditions, no chance.”  
  
Rin arches an eyebrow suspiciously at Makoto—his glare losing its intensity with every second that goes by. He sighs; his breath showing as puffy clouds in the cold. Rin’s cheeks begin to get hot; a heat that spreads from his neck upward and outward, all the way to his ears. How is he supposed to resist Makoto’s charms when he does things like this for him? “You are such a mother hen. So overprotective." He manages to smirk, resisting the urge to just smile and let his red eyes speak for him. “It’s just a bunch of snow piled up on the side of the road, seriously. I would’ve been fine; a twenty minute walk home under the snow won’t have killed me.”

“I know,” Makoto starts before flashing one of those gentle smiles that makes Rin’s legs weak and his heart flutter. Slowly, he drops his green eyes shyly to the floor before he continues speaking. “but I just... couldn't wait to see you.”

Rin’s smirk vanishes into the thin air, staring back at Makoto as he forgets how to breathe. He has been getting mixed signals from Makoto recently, signals like this that makes his heart feel warm and fuzzy—like there’s hope in this monotone world he had been living in for the last twelve months—signals he tries so hard to shove to a side and ignore for his own good, just like today.

With Rin’s lack of response, Makoto raises his eyes from the floor with his smile still pending on his lips. The last thing that Rin wants is to have those eyes looking at him because he knows he will not be able to hold himself any longer. He’s silent, his eyes frozen on Makoto. Rin knows he needs to speak up, he needs to explain Makoto how his kindness sometimes is too overwhelming and can bring him to tears so unexpectedly.  
  
“You see me everyday, Makoto,” Breaking the silence and their glance, looking to the side uncomfortably and slightly lost in his own thoughts. “What makes tonight any different?”  
  
Rin never felt so lonely; his heart reminds him that Makoto has never been his and, therefore, he has no right to feel like he lost him. It took him months, but Rin already understands Makoto isn’t meant for him. He never will.  
  
Sensing a hidden hostility in Rin’s words, Makoto bites his tongue and tries his hardest to keep his smile steady on his trembling lips. “I… don’t know,” His voice comes out weak, unsteady. “It’s always nice to be around you. A-at least it is for me.”

Taking a pause and a second to contemplate the negativity clouding Makoto’s orbs, Rin lets another sigh out and shakes his head. Clearing his throat, he takes his cop hat off and puts it on Makoto’s head before moving around the car to the passenger's side door. “And for me too, idiot.”

Makoto follows Rin with his gaze and sense of peace and relief takes over his tense shoulders. Noticing how the air between starts feeling lighter again, Makoto knows that he’s back on solid ground. _Good._ Finally, their relationship was feeling like it used to be for the first time in a long time.

When Rin opens the passenger door, and before he could even hop in, his attention falls to a neatly folded set of clothes laying on his seat and a chill climbs up his spine. Those colors: yellow and gray, he knows exactly what they stand for and where they belong to. “W-what…?” Pulling out the first piece, he holds it up in front of him just to find out that it's exactly what it looks like: A firefighter coat. Rin takes a second look to the other piece of clothe still sitting on the passenger seat just to confirm that they are matching pants for the coat he holds in hands.

Shocked eyes turn to Makoto, watching him from across the car and he’s just there, standing with a happy smile dancing on his cherry lips. The wind blows and his pupils shine in a different way, he’s speechless.

It looks like Makoto can sense Rin’s tied tongue because he starts walking to the other side of the car, stopping in front of him. They stare at each other and share a comfortable silence, like those they used to share before they friendship got twisted into an affair. Makoto can see the hopefulness in Rin’s eyes, the many questions he is holding on the tip of his tongue and the impatience that is starting to burn his lungs.   
  
  
With a careful movement, he takes the cop hat of his head and puts it back on Rin’s head. He risks it all because he adores the look on Rin’s face and caresses his cheek with the back of his fingers. “Starting this following Monday, you’ll finally be able to help me fight fires and rescue cats from trees.”

“Y-you mean—” Rin’s lower lip quivers but he goes mute again.

Makoto nods. “It took me a while but… I got the job.”

And Rin doesn’t thinks it twice; he jumps and wraps his arms around Makoto’s arms, falling into his chest with the widest smile Makoto had ever seen on his face. There’s pure joy in the way he laughs, honest happiness in the way he hugs him tight. Rin feels proud, so proud. “That’s so sick, Makoto! Congratulations!”

  
Makoto joins him and laughs out loud in pure happiness; his arms now carefully holding Rin close against and enjoying the moment. “I seriously thought it wouldn’t work out, but I got a call this morning and a job offer this afternoon,” Makoto admitted while pressing his nose against Rin’s head. He breathed in his hair's scent, almost hidden by the perfume of coffee and sweat from a long day at work. “I still have to go to the fire academy on the side but… this is really happening. I will finally be a firefighter like I always wanted.”

“I am so fucking proud of you, Makoto! I knew you could do this!” Rin pulls his head away, still wrapped in his embrace, and their eyes meet again. There's this little ping of electricity between them, as there always has been in recent weeks causing both smiles to freeze in mid-air.

Suddenly, it’s too late and they can’t look away. They are lost in each other’s gaze, their strong feelings hanging like a cloud of passion over their shoulders. They both feel breathless, their tongues are tied with many things they want to say but they can’t. Rin’s shoulders begin to tremble as he stares into Makoto’s eyes, meeting with many unfamiliar emotions melted into his soul.

It is Makoto, once more, who makes the first movement. He begins leaning his head down towards Rin’s and tilting to the side. He breaths slowly and his green eyes are half closed; staring at Rin’s lips.

“What’s… wrong with you?” Rin whispers after struggling for so long to find his own voice. He’s not pulling away, he’s just frozen in place with his hopes already up in the sky. He could hear the sound of his heart beating rapidly in his ears. “Y-you’re too close.”

With their foreheads already pressed against each other, Makoto bites his lower lip and hesitate for half a second before the courage starts flowing through his veins once more. “I know,” he whispers. “That’s because I want to do this…”

And he kisses Rin.

He steals a sweet kiss from those lips he haven’t kissed in so long—lips he had missed dearly. Rin is surprised at first but then melts into the kiss, contributing with his own lips to make it even deeper. Makoto moves a strand of hair out of Rin's face and then closes his eyes. Rin’s hands tangle themselves in brown locks; a low moan escaping into Makoto’s throat they share the same air while they kiss.

“H-hold on. Please stop,” Rin begs against Makoto’s lips before pulling away. Rin’s hand is firmly press against Makoto’s chest, forcing some distance between them and giving himself some much needed space to breathe. He’s scared, it’s easy to tell by the way his eyes dodge Makoto’s entirely or by how his voice is a pitch higher than usual. “What do you think you’re doing? This… this isn’t funny.”

“I know,” Makoto whispers, eyebrows knitted together in worry. “That’s why I’ve been… holding off for a long while, but it gets harder when I have you this close.”

“Makoto…” Rin breathes in confusion.

“I… think I love you, Rin,” The confession slips from Makoto’s lips effortlessly and crimson eyes go wide in response.  
  
Rin takes a frightened breath in and his heart pounds hard in his chest. Yet, after processing Makoto's words for a brief moment, he can’t stop himself from glaring at the other. “You think?” He asks while slightly offended. “You can’t just _think_ you love someone. Either you feel it or not.”  
  
“A-ah, I’m sorry,” Makoto apologizes with bright red cheeks and embarrassment written all over his features. “What I really wanted to say is that I-I have fallen in love with you in the last couple of months, Rin. I really have.”

Rin could feel his heart throbbing audibly in his chest, reviving the forgotten hope hidden within his soul. It has been a year already since he locked his feelings for Makoto deep inside his heart, promising to never act upon them. It is hard to believe what Makoto’s words are suggesting, his unrequited love finally resolved and requited.

 _Must be a dream,_ he tells himself over and over. His eyes fall on the golden ring still hanging from Makoto’s neck and, after hesitating, he reaches for it and traces its outline with one of his long fingers. “But… what about Haru?”

 _Haruka_. It’s been long since the last Makoto heard someone calling his ex-boyfriend’s name. It still brings warmth to his entire being and the happiest memories by his side; wondering what he is doing or if he is still in Paris like his social media account suggests.

Gosh, he misses Haruka like no other. Living without him was one of the hardest things he learned on his own but it has already been a year and he survived, he’s still alive. And it was all because of Rin.

“It was rough at first, but I’ve already accepted the fact that he will never be part again, and that’s alright.” Makoto whispers as his hand finds itself back on Rin’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb gently and with so much affection in each stroke. “It took me months but I’ve finally moved on.”

Rin is shivering under Makoto’s touch, feeling so vulnerable that he can’t even hide it anymore. How long have dreamed about this?

“I am a different person now with a different dream,” Makoto notices the fragility behind Rin’s eyes and smiles softly at him. Rin shouldn’t afraid of the transparency of his feelings in this encounter because he’s not the only one whose heart beats uncontrollably against his ribcage. Makoto is nervous and scared too, but being honest with his heart feels like the right thing to be done if it meant. A second chance to love and be loved again. “There’s many things about myself that I don’t know yet but, what I do know is that this new dream of mine belongs by your side.”

Rin can’t keep his eyes on Makoto for any longer. He drops his gaze back to floor just to notice how the first teardrop falls on the snow under his feet. He can feel his cheeks heating up despite the weather, leaving his nose as the only part of his body remaining cold. He sniffs loudly.  

Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, he tries as hard as he can to pull himself together. He feels Makoto’s worried gaze on him and he just wants to stop crying so badly, but how is he supposed to stop his tears from falling if he feels so damn happy?

“W-we fucked things up pretty bad last time,” Rin manages to say even when his voice breaks a little. He finally is able to look up and, despite his tears, he smiles at Makoto. “It’s better if we… stick together, don’t you think?”

The look on Makoto’s face is priceless. Eyes widen, mouth slightly open and just plain shock crossing his face. Then the most innocent and joyful smile plays its role on his lips by lighting up his green eyes. Just like a child on Christmas day, he is full of honest happiness and hope. Rin’s answer hadn’t been too direct but it is enough for Makoto to comprehend that this is the second chance he was looking for.

His hands find Rin’s and he pull them gently to his lips just to kiss them with tender love. “Yes,” he says. “Let’s do things right this time. Shall we?

A chuckle is all Rin can articulate and he nods. It’s been a long while since the last time his heart felt like it is about to burst from all the happiness filling his soul and body. Makoto wraps him back into another hug and they remain like this as the snow piles up on their shoulders.

Despite the fact that this may all seem like a happy ending, deep inside his heart, Rin knows that Haruka will always be a part of Makoto that not even time will be able to pull away. Yes, this is the beginning of their new relationship but the ghosts of their terrible mistake will always linger.

Rin closes his eyes tightly, enjoying the warmth from Makoto’s body, but there’s nothing he can do to push this bad feeling out of his chest. Even though Haruka and Sousuke are no longer in their lives, their memory will always take a vital role in Rin and Makoto’s newly discovered relationship.

_Will it survive?_

 

**THE END.**

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to thank my beautiful beta-reader Tspofnutmeg! I wouldn't have been able to finish this story if it wasn't because of her and her support, she's the best ;3; <3!!!
> 
> Ok, well... it's finally over. I can't believe it, I am done! (And free :'D <3) I am sure, judging by several comments that I've received in the last 3 chapters, that there's quite a few out there that won't like this ending but I can't please everybody. Can I? This story isn't ending here, Tspofnutmeg is writing a short story of Haru's side called Take Your Broken Hear. Please check the link below and take a look. I can't wait to read it!! She's really talented!!
> 
> Thanks for staying with me and reading this story!
> 
> OhmyNanase OUT!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Take Your Broken Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716507) by [tspofnutmeg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tspofnutmeg/pseuds/tspofnutmeg)




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